Volcanic Ash
by addekluv
Summary: This is an Addek fanfic, with the usual angst, dealing with the moment Derek confronts Addison about aborting Mark's child. It continues to where they each decide they can't be without each other.
1. Chapter 1

**Volcanic Ash**

Volcanic ash is hot and bubbly. It overcomes all areas near it. It smothers everything it rolls over.

This is an Addek fanfic one-shot, with the usual angst, dealing with the moment Derek confronts Addison about aborting Mark's child. 

Addison was only home from the hospital fifteen minutes when there was a knock on her hotel room door. Sighing, she stepped out of her heels and walked towards the door wondering who would be visiting her this late. She opened the door slightly to see who was behind it. _Derek_, she thought. _What did he want? _Addison pulled open the door. An angry Derek pushed his way in and said, "We need to talk." Addison sarcastically replied. "How very nice. It was never convenient for you when I wanted to talk."

"Shut up Addison." Addison was surprised at Derek's directness. She turned to walk toward the table and chairs inside the hotel room, but Derek grabbed her arm and spun her around.

"Have anything more that you want to tell me about New York," Derek spat. Addison froze. He knew. Someone had told him about Mark's baby. Faces flashed through her head. Mark? Callie? Addison pulled her arm away and said, "No, Derek. I don't. It had nothing to do with you."

"It may not have had anything to do with me alone, but it had a whole hell of a lot to do with us," Derek seethed.

"Why do you care now? I begged you to care a year ago and you would barely look at me. You perfected walking away, Derek."

Derek ran his hand through his hair and the anger was plain on his face. "Don't you get it Addison? It was another omission by you. A helluvan omission at that! We talked about kids. You told me you weren't ready. Apparently, you got ready really quickly when Mark undressed you." Addison cringed. Derek went on, "But, you changed your mind when you decided your worthless piece of shit boyfriend wouldn't make the grade as daddy material. Was it worth it Addison?" Derek's voice was rising and he was becoming more frantic. "Was it all worth screwing up our marriage for? I guess you learned fast how it felt to be thrown aside for someone new. Twice. Did it feel good to know that everyone in the hospital in New York knew Mark was sleeping around on you while you blindly went through your day, more the fool? Did it feel good to play the adulteress wretch?"

Addison hadn't moved much since she had pulled her arm from his grasp. She took all of his seething anger until his last sentence. When he uttered those last words, Addison brought her hand up and smacked Derek across the face. He grabbed her shoulders, turned her around, and pushed her back against the door. Derek didn't take his eyes off of Addison. She was confused, but not afraid. Their relationship had always been volatile, but never violent. Derek bent his head, leaned towards her, and forcefully began to kiss her. At first, Addison wanted to struggle, but she knew that wouldn't last long anyway. She could never resist Derek.

He quickly began unbuttoning her blouse while Addison ran her hands through his hair. Letting the blouse drop to the floor in front of the hotel room door, Derek pushed her bra up exposing her breasts. He began kissing her neck, continuing down her chest and stomach. He came back up and began biting her nipples. Addison tried to arch her back, but the door was stopping her progress. She pushed her arms under his coat and let it fall to the floor, piling itself on top of her blouse. Derek took a hold of her arms and led her towards the bed, kissing her as they walked.

"Derek, we shouldn't….," Addison tried to speak between kisses.

"Shut up Addie."

Derek pushed Addison on the bed and fell on top of her. He forced her skirt up and yanked her panties down her legs. Addison closed her eyes and tried to relax. Derek began unbuckling his belt. He left his shirt on, but worked quickly to remove his pants and boxers. Using his legs, he pushed hers apart and entered her roughly without preparation. Addison whimpered and wrapped her arms around Derek's back. He continued pumping hard against her body. Addison remembered, that in past, Derek had been gentle and kind during sex. She felt that this was definitely a different time. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy it. She did. She always did with Derek. But, she also knew she'd feel differently tomorrow….a bit bruised and battered. Addison tried to stay in the moment. Derek climaxed and fell onto her chest. Addison, again, closed her eyes and just let him lay there quietly. When she opened them, a lone tear fell down her cheek.

Derek lifted his head and looked at Addison. "No, Addison." Derek took his thumb and wiped away her wet cheek. "This isn't about anger……this isn't about punishment…..I need you. I just…….need you,… Addison." After a moment, Derek pulled himself off of Addison and climbed off of the bed. He turned his back to her while he re-dressed himself. When he was finished, Derek walked towards the door, picked up his coat and kicked Addison's blouse to the side. When his hand was on the doorknob, Addie asked quietly, "Who told you?" Derek mumbled, "my ex-best friend." He, then, opened the hotel room door, and without looking back, walked out of the room….. leaving Addison unsettled and exposed.

Sometimes emotions are like ash. They are hot and they bubble over. They smother and they can leave you burnt. Sometimes, they just leave an open wound.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Smoldering Cinders

Three weeks had passed since Derek had come to Addison's hotel room. She had tried her hardest to avoid him at the hospital. There had been one uncomfortable meeting in the hallway, but neither of them had spoken to each other. They both had glanced towards one another, but kept walking. Addison knew Derek was still with Meredith. There was plenty of talk about relationships at the hospital. Addison knew Derek wouldn't leave Meredith, but she had to admit to herself that it had hurt her when he told her he he'd needed her and then never said anything more about it.

Unfortunately, Addison couldn't avoid him any longer. She needed a consultation on a patient and she knew she couldn't ask anyone but Derek.

Addison finished speaking with her patient and explaining her concern over the abnormal ultrasound. When she walked out of the exam room, she looked over the chart again. _Ok, Addie_, she thought, _stop procrastinating_.

Addison unhooked her pager from the waistband of her skirt. Without having to think of his number, she dialed Derek's pager number.

Meredith and Derek were having an early lunch in the cafeteria when his pager began to beep. He glanced down and pulled it off of his belt buckle. Derek scowled as he saw who was paging him.

Meredith asked, "You have to go?" "Yeah," Derek replied, "I'm sorry. I need to take this."

Derek rose from his chair and gave Meredith a quick kiss. "See you later tonight, Derek," Meredith said. Derek smiled and reluctantly left to answer his page.

Addison was standing at the nurse's station when Derek saw her. Three weeks. It had been three weeks since he'd really seen her. He admired her for a moment before walking closer to her.

"You paged me?" Derek asked, with no pleasantries beforehand.

Addison turned to look at him. "Hi. Yeah, I need a consult on a fetus with abnormal brain vascularization and blood flow."

"Fine, let's go."

"Derek…."

"Not now, Addison."

Addison nodded and led the way into the exam room. She watched Derek while he explained the baby's problem to the patient. She loved the way he was so gentle with his words. He was a caring, genuine doctor and Addison had always admired that about him. It also amazed her how he could be like this with a stranger and at times, so cold with the former love of his life.

When he was finished, Addison spoke with her patient briefly and followed Derek out of the room.

"Thank you, Derek. You always know how to reassure worried patients."

Derek smiled, "You're pretty good yourself."

Both of them stood staring at each other, but neither of them knew where to go from there. Beginning to get uncomfortable, Derek spoke first. "Well, I need to get back to my patients."

"Oh, yeah, of course. Thanks again, Derek."

"Sure," Derek replied and walked towards the elevator.

_What the hell was that_, Addison thought. She shook her head to clear it and went back to work.

A few hours later, Callie saw Addison in the cafeteria. "Hey, Addison," Callie called. Addison grabbed her food off of the tray and joined Callie. "Hi," Addie replied.

"What do you say we take our lunch to the roof for some girl talk?" Callie asked. Addison's memory brought back thoughts of a boxed lunch, Derek, and a viewfinder. She smiled and said, "As long as it's not raining."

"For once, it's beautiful in Seattle, "replied Callie.

The women chit chatted on their way to the roof. Once there, they sat down and began opening their containers. Before taking a bite of her sandwich, Callie remarked, "Yogurt. That's all you are eating?? No wonder you look like that."

Addison laughed. "I'm just not hungry right now. Believe me, I can eat plenty."

Callie started the girl talk by saying, "George is acting weird. And not George-weird either. Just weird-weird. We had a fight. He didn't come home that night. I saw him here the next day and he smelled like a trash can at Joe's at 2am on a Saturday night. We talked. I thought everything was ok, but….I don't know. It's like he's there, but at the same time, he's not there. And for awhile, he was a sex machine. He couldn't get enough. Now, nothing! What do I do?"

Addison was listening intently to her friend, but when Callie was describing George and how he didn't come home after their argument, Izzie's face flashed through her head.

_No_, she thought. _They didn't???_ Pushing that thought aside, Addison said, "Get him to talk to you. Don't let him shut down. Don't let him walk away."

Callie nodded in agreement and began eating her sandwich.

"I slept with Derek."

"Jesus, Addison!" Callie said, practically choking on her lunch. "I know we sometimes just blurt things out, but wow! That's kinda big!!"

"Sorry," Addison said quietly. "He came to my hotel room three weeks ago. Mark had told him about the baby."

"That ass," remarked Callie. "He's much sexier when he keeps his mouth shut. Oh…sorry….go on."

Addison smiled and continued, "Derek was angry. Really angry. And then it turned into…well (grimacing)…sex…angry sex, but definitely sex. He said he needed me and then he left. And he hasn't said anything else about it since then." Addison gave Callie a questioning look.

"Take your own advice Addison. Get him to talk to you. Don't let him walk away."

Addison understood what Callie was saying, but she knew getting Derek to communicate without walking away was no easy task.

They both closed their lunch containers and began to get ready to go back inside. Before heading in, Addison took one quick peek in the viewfinder. _Yes, Derek_, she thought, _I still love cute little viewfinders._

Chapter 2: Smoldering Cinders

Two more weeks passed with no explanation from Derek. Addison was just trying to forget what had happened and move on. He hadn't approached her and she didn't want to be the one to bring it up. She was always the one that started their conversations. She wanted him to be the one to do it if it was going to happen. But, she had to admit she was having a hard time letting it go.

One evening, Addison decided to take a drive after work to clear her head. It was late, but it had been a difficult day and she didn't want to sit alone in an empty hotel room. She drove for a bit and let her mind wander. She really didn't know where she was going, but the drive was definitely relieving some of her stress.

Suddenly, she realized she was on the street where Derek's trailer stood. She pulled slowly into the gravel driveway, stopping towards the end. She didn't see Derek's truck. Addison knew Derek spent most of his time at Meredith's house. How he sleeps, she didn't know. Addison had heard that Meredith's house wasn't exactly quiet most of the time.

She turned off her car and got out. _What am I doing_, she thought. Against what her head was saying, Addison continued to walk up the driveway and onto the porch. The porch held a few memories for her. She wrinkled up her nose as she remembered the trout Derek had caught and tried to fry in the trailer. She remembered Thanksgiving and sitting outside in the rain with Chinese waiting for Derek, who hadn't returned any of her calls that day. She laughed out loud as she remembered getting Doc and taking him outside only to get that awful poison oak. The trailer and it's land definitely held some happier memories for her with Derek. But, it had also held some painful ones.

Addison pulled her car keys out of her jacket pocket. She still had the key for the trailer's porch door on her key ring. _I wonder if it still works? _Addison put the key in the lock and turned it. It opened without resistance. _Well, at least he doesn't hate me enough to change the locks_, Addison thought. She stepped into the door and let it close behind her. She took a quick look around and noticed that not much had changed since the last time she was here. Unfortunately, that last time had been after the prom when she found Meredith's panties in Derek's jacket pocket. _What an awful night that was_, she thought. Addison set her purse down on the counter next to the kitchen sink. She stepped further into the trailer and saw that even the bedspread was the same one she had picked out when she moved in with Derek after arriving in Seattle_. Is he ever here?_

Addison jumped and turned around when she heard the trailer door slam shut. Derek, looking equally shocked, asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh! Derek, you scared me. I thought…I thought I left something here and I wasn't sure if I could still get in. But, I did….get in…and I was just looking for….what I came here….to pick up…and then...," Addison stammered.

"You left something here? In the trailer? Months ago," Derek questioned.

Addison wasn't sure how to answer his question, but she replied, "Yeah, I left something…." Addison's voice trailed off and she shook her head. "No. I didn't leave anything here. There's not much I'd want, really, except for my clothes and shoes…and I already have those."

Derek looked at her, scrunching his eyebrows together and he ran a hand through his hair. _God, my wife rambles when she's nervous. Ex-wife….ex….wife, _Derek thought while watching Addison flustered.

"Oh, Derek, I didn't mean what I just said. I mean…no, I'm not here to get something I left here…in the trailer…months ago."

Derek asked, "Then why are you here," getting impatient.

"I don't know. I'm sorry." Addison walked toward Derek, who was still standing close to the trailer's door. "I'll leave." She picked up her purse from the counter and tried to walk past Derek. "I'll go. I'm sorry."

Before Addison could walk past Derek, he put his hand on her arm, preventing her from leaving. "It's ok. Stay," Derek said while dropping his hand back to his side.

"Derek, we don't have to. We don't have to do this. We don't have to talk about this. We can let it go. We can drop it. What happened, in the hotel room. I know you were angry. I know you made a mistake. It's ok. I'll move past it and look at it for what it was…an angry outburst….a moment of revenge."

Derek was silently watching her. _She always takes the blame_, he thought. _I went to her hotel room, made her the other woman for a night, and she still thinks she deserved it._ Derek didn't want her to continue to think that way. "I told you it wasn't revenge, Addison." Derek nodded towards the bed in the bedroom at the back of the trailer. "Sit."

"Derek, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Addison, there's no place to sit in this damn trailer except for that tiny kitchen table. I promise I won't take advantage of you. Just sit down."

Addison smiled and took off her jacket. She placed her jacket and her purse on the counter next to the sink. She took a look at Derek and walked towards the bedroom. She gently sat down on the edge of the bed. Derek followed her and sat down next to her.

"How'd we get here," Derek asked. "How'd we go from Derek-and-Addison, to not speaking to each other, to cheating, to lying, to a really messed up divorced couple?"

Addison quietly replied, "I don't know. I'm trying to just get past it. I'm trying to see all of the things that I did wrong and learn from them. I'm just trying to heal, Derek." Addison stopped talking for a moment and then continued, "And then you somehow come back into my heart and every time….it gets harder to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Addison. I never meant to hurt you the way I have. When you showed up in Seattle, I wanted to hate you for finding you in our bed with Mark. It was a blow I never thought I'd get coming from you."

"You know I'm so sorry. I'm…so…sorry," Addison replied, using the back of her hand to wipe away a tear that was threatening to fall. "I came to Seattle because I couldn't let you go. I wanted your forgiveness, but I didn't think about letting you do that on your own. I was so afraid of losing you, again, that I didn't tell you about living with Mark…or the baby. I wanted a baby with you, Derek. Not with Mark. It was never about Mark."

They both took a minute before Derek spoke again, "I shut you out, Addie. I, just, shut down. You were so busy with your work and earning your specialties, that I felt like you didn't need me. It was like I was there, but invisible to you. And, now I know you felt the same thing about me. But, instead of talking about all of it, I just stopped talking all together. When you came to Seattle, after Mark, I couldn't look at you. When I saw you…I saw Mark."

"But Derek, I did need you! Every time I tried to talk to you about it, you just walked away."

"Of course, Addison! Why would I want to hear about the night my wife slept with my best friend?! I saw it with my own eyes. I didn't need any more details." Derek stood up and began to pace at the end of the bed. He was beginning to get upset and he really didn't want this to turn into another one of their bickering arguments.

Addison sighed. "I know, Derek, but look where ignoring our problems got us. This isn't working. I don't know why you wanted me to stay, but this isn't getting us anywhere. You're with Meredith. You're happy with her. It's what I want for you. Just clear your conscious and be happy with her. I'm getting over you."

Addison stood up and began to walk past Derek to collect her jacket and purse so she could leave before things got worse for them than they already were.

"I'm not any of those things, Addison."

Addison stopped before reaching the counter, turned around, and looked at Derek. "What?"

"Why do you think I'm here? You know I've been basically living in Meredith's house for months now. I love it here, but it's far away from the hospital." Derek sighed and then continued, "Tonight, I'm here because I ended it. I couldn't continue to be with her and think of you. I did believe I loved her….until I realized she was just the opposite of you. She was everything you weren't when I met her. I was so angry at you. Meredith helped to take some of that away and I believed I was in love with her. I just wanted to shove you aside and be with someone who needed me. But, I could never quite get you out of my head. Once I took some ownership in what I did to our marriage….I began to forgive you. You went to someone who knew you and who knew me. In one way, it was the worst betrayal…but, in another, it was understandable. And I can't imagine how you must have felt after finding out about what happened at the hospital during the prom while you were there waiting for me to come back to you. You may be getting over me, but I'm definitely not over you."

Derek walked towards Addison. She didn't move. He put his hands behind Addison's head and gently bent down to kiss her lips. He could physically feel her relax in his hands. She immediately remembered the taste of his lips. Her head was screaming at her to stop, but she couldn't. She couldn't resist this moment. She continued to let her lips feel the pressure of his against hers. She brought her hands up and wrapped them around his back. Derek pulled from her a bit and said, "I do need you. I just wasn't able to admit it until now."

Addison wanted to melt into his arms. "I'm not really over you either. I just needed you to think that I was."

Derek laughed and took her hand. He led her to the bed and gave her a questioning look. She smiled and then laid back on the bed. Derek climbed on the bed over her. "I miss you, Addison. I can't promise you anything now. But, I also can't let you go."

Derek began to kiss Addison's lips as he ran his hands up and down her body. _God, she feels so good_, Derek thought. He began unbuttoning her blouse as she ran her hands up and down his back. Addison moaned as Derek began kissing her neck, traveled down to the waistband of her skirt, and back up to her chest. _It's so familiar_, she thought. _And yet, it seems so far away since it was like this. _Addison reached for the bottom of Derek's shirt and pulled it over his head. They continued to touch and kiss each other in all the places that they remembered enjoying. Addison moved further up on the bed. Derek followed her and took off the rest of their clothes. Addie pulled back the covers and they snuggled against one another for a few minutes.

"Addie, do you want to continue or should we just stay here like this for awhile?"

"This is nice….but, don't stop. I know there's nicer there somewhere."

Derek and Addison continued their sensual journey to rediscover each other. Addison fell asleep cradled in Derek's arms. He stroked her hair and knew seeing her like this was one of the times he loved watching her. She was usually in such control. But during the times that she had slept, and when they had made love, she was relaxed and vulnerable. It always endeared her to him. Derek fell asleep with one hand on the top of her head and the other draped over her hip.

Derek opened one eye and saw the big numbers on the clock. 4:30 am. It was an ungodly time of day, but he knew Addison needed to wake up.

"Addison." Addison's back was facing Derek. He got no response, so he said it a little louder and shook her shoulder. "Addison…..Addie. You need to wake up."

Addison began to stir and grumpily replied, "No."

Derek laughed and continued to try to rouse her. "I happen to know you have a surgery scheduled at 8:30 this morning. I checked the board last night before I left the hospital. You need to get up. I know you'll want to go to the hotel to shower and get dressed before heading in. You're not the type of girl to wear last night's clothes to work the next day."

Addison didn't find him as funny as he found himself. Without opening her eyes, she asked, "What time is it?"

"4:30."

Addison sighed and replied, "Ugh. I think I just fell asleep an hour ago. You tossed and turned all night."

Derek knew she had fallen asleep before him, but he wasn't so sure about the tossing and turning part. If he did, he hadn't woken himself up during it. "I did not toss and turn. I slept great!"

Addison rolled over to face Derek. "Do my eyes look like they slept much?"

Derek did have to admit that her eyes were heavy and had small dark circles under them. He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry."

She smiled slightly and said, "Apology accepted. Thank you for waking me up."

Addison rolled over and got out of bed. As she headed into the bathroom, Derek mumbled, "It didn't last long before we got back to the old Addison-and-Derek."

Addie peeked her head out of the bathroom and said, "I heard that!"

Derek laughed and laid his head back on the pillow. As he was reliving last night's moments in his head, he heard a rumble of thunder. Derek knew Addison's car was still sitting close to the bottom of the driveway. He climbed out of bed and pulled on the pair of pants that had been discarded to the floor the night before. _She_ _hasn't changed much_, he thought. Then, he changed his mind and thought, _No, she has changed. She's a little more wounded than she was before._

Derek went to the counter and felt inside Addison's jacket pocket to find her car keys. He pulled them from the pocket and went out on the porch. As he was going down the porch steps, it began to sprinkle. Derek could smell the rain shower that was threatening to fall. He ran down to the end of the driveway and unlocked Addison's car door. He opened the door and slid onto the driver's seat. Now instead of rain, he smelled Addison's perfume. The same perfume she had always worn. _So, some things hadn't changed about her after all,_ he thought. He took a quick look around the inside of her car, started the engine,

and drove the car as close to the trailer as he could get. _No sense in her having to be soaking wet on her ride back to the hotel. _Derek left her car running, jumped up the porch steps, and into the trailer.

Addison was putting on her jacket next to the kitchen sink when he came in. He noticed that she must have rinsed off in the shower because although she had on last night's clothing, her hair was soaking wet. _She's beautiful when she's wet_, he thought. _Maybe I should've left her car at the end of the driveway._

Addison finished putting her jacket on, picked her purse off of the counter, and walked up to Derek. She planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "Thanks for pulling my car up for me. I heard it start to thunder as I got into the shower."

"Yeah, it's starting to rain. You're welcome."

Addison gave him another kiss and headed towards the door. Before she opened it, Derek said, "Maybe later you can explain to me why you have a job application for the Children's Hospital of Boston on the passenger seat of your car."

Addison turned around to face Derek, but he had already headed into the bathroom. She had completely forgotten about the application lying on the seat of the car.

Addison turned back around and left the trailer. She ran down the steps in the pouring rain and backed out of Derek's driveway.

When the rain falls, the smoldering cinders begin to cool and life begins to grow again….until the next big eruption.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Instability

Addison was standing at the Nurse's Station completing her patient's charts. _With all of these computers around here, you'd think we'd be past using pens by now, _she thought. Addison was a little grumpy. She hadn't slept much with Derek tossing and turning all night. But, she felt thankful that he was there. They were there together in their bed. That thought made her smile.

Derek stood a few feet away from her. Addison's back was facing him. He waited until the nurse at the station left the area and then walked up to her. He bent down a bit and whispered behind her, "Hey Sexy." Addison looked up from her chart and turned her head. Smiling, she said "Hey yourself." Derek walked to her left to stand beside her.

"Are you available for lunch," he asked, still whispering. Addison spoke just as softly back to him. "Sorry, I have a C-section scheduled at 1:00. Why are we whispering?"

Derek looked around and then grabbed Addison's hand. "Come here so we can talk alone." Addison put her pen down on the chart and followed Derek. He took her into an empty exam room down the hall. She looked around while he shut the door. Empty exam rooms weren't quite as comforting as they used to be. Prom Night scenes flashed through her head…the dancing...Derek leaving...waiting for Derek...and eventually finding the black panties...

"I'm not ready to go public with us," Derek announced.

"You're not ready? To go public? I'm not a corporation, Derek."

Derek stood in front of her and knew he had to tell her what he was feeling even if it upset her. They had to start out without any secrets between them.

"I know. I just mean….I don't want to flaunt it in front of everyone."

"Not everyone, Derek. Just Meredith. You don't want to flaunt it in front of Meredith."

"Addison, she's been through a lot. And I just added more on to her. I don't want to hurt her any more than I have. Can you understand that?"

"Yeah, I understand it," Addison replied. "I do. But, Derek. I can't be second to you. I won't go through that again. I can't."

Addison turned and walked towards the door. Before she opened it and walked out, Addison added, "And Derek, the next time you want to talk to me alone…..don't bring me to an empty exam room. The things that pass through my head about them aren't exactly pleasant."

After Addison left, Derek stood there stunned. He knew that she might not take it well, but he didn't expect her to be so brash. He had to admit to himself that the way she acted had only made her more attractive to him. Derek smiled. _I guess dinner's off too_, he thought as he left the exam room.

A few hours later, Bailey was with a car accident patient that had been brought into the ER. "O'Mally! Page Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Montgomery. We have a patient here that will need them both."

George sheepishly asked Dr. Bailey, "Does that mean I'm going to be with both of them? Like, them together…and me?"

"O'Malley?"

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

"Page them NOW!"

"Yes Ma'am," George answered and went to page the doctors.

Addison felt her pager vibrate while she was lying down in the on-call room. She was hoping to get in a quick nap before her afternoon rounds. Glancing at the pager, she sighed and got off of the cot. She grabbed her lab coat off of the bed railing, slipped into her heels, and headed down to the ER.

Derek was finishing some paperwork in the Doctor's Lounge when his pager went off. He had been hoping to go home in the next hour, but it looked like this emergency was going to prevent that from happening. He gathered his papers and charts and then left the lounge to answer his page from Dr. O'Malley.

Addison beat Derek to the trauma room.

"What do we have," Addison asked Dr. Bailey.

Bailey described the patient's pregnancy and her abnormal preliminary tests. The patient was unconscious with a gaping wound on her left temple. Addison ordered an ultrasound and a Doppler so she could monitor the baby.

Derek walked in and began asking Miranda questions regarding the patient. George hooked up the fetal monitors to the patient's abdomen while Miranda again went over the patient's vital information and sustained injuries.

After Derek's first round of questions had been answered, Derek asked, "Dr. Bailey, how far along is she? What kind of injuries does she have that could be problematic for the fetus?"

Addison stood with her hand on her hip, watching Miranda and Derek go back and forth with questions and answers. After a few moments of this, Addison spoke directly to Derek.

"Do you need anything from me? Because I'm here. And the last time I checked…I had a few degrees in the area you are asking about."

Derek finished examining the patient before giving Addison a dirty look. Bailey left the trauma room shaking her head_. Did those two ever get along_, she thought.

Derek looked at George and said, "Dr. O'Malley, stitch up her head. It's just a superficial wound. When you are done with that, get her down for some scans…..if that's ok with Dr. Montgomery…."

George turned to look at Addison and she nodded to him. "The monitors are showing that the baby isn't in any distress. A few tests shouldn't disturb anything."

Addison followed Derek out into the hallway.

"Were you purposely ignoring me or did you really not see me standing next to the patient," Addison asked sarcastically.

Derek stopped walking and turned around so quickly that Addison almost ran into him.

"I saw you. This is a teaching hospital. I was hoping to get some information from Dr. Bailey. I figured if she needed some help, you could jump in."

Addison tilted her head. Her voice became louder as she replied, "Oh, so you barging into the room demanding answers and spouting orders had nothing to do with you being angry about us?"

Derek knew he had to try to keep his cool, but his voice wasn't following the cues from his head. "What?! It didn't have anything to do with us. I was getting information, Addison. That's it. Just getting informed on my patient."

"**Our** patient, Derek. That's my point."

"I know you didn't sleep well last night, but all day you've taken your irritation out on me."

Addison opened her mouth to speak, but the look on Derek's face stopped her from responding. She turned around and saw Richard standing there.

Richard had been witnessing their argument from afar and decided to end it when he heard their voices rising. "When you two are finished embarrassing yourselves, you can both come to my office."

Derek and Addison stood speechless as Richard walked away from them.

Derek started walking towards Richard's office first and Addison had to walk faster to catch up with him. Addison quietly said, "You're right. I'm crabby. I'm sorry."

"I shouldn't have taken you into an empty exam room earlier. I didn't even think..."

Addison smiled at him. As they continued walking to Richard's office, Derek began remembering other times that they had been called into Richard's office. He began laughing and said, "Remember our delayed walk to Richard's office when we were interns?"

Addison glanced at him questioningly. _Which time_, she thought.

Derek continued, "We were arguing over which one of us was going to take the patient with the tumor the size of a melon in his abdomen."

Addison grinned remembering what had happened. "Tom, the super-intern, got the patient and we were sent to Richard's office."

"Remember why we got there late," Derek asked smirking at Addison?

Addison snickered and replied, "You pushed me into that on-call room!"

"You didn't resist much!"

"Not at all," Addison admitted.

As they finished laughing about their naughty intern moment, they arrived at Richard's office.

"Ladies first."

Addison shot Derek a look and knocked on Dr. Webber's door.

"Come in," replied Richard. He began shaking his head as Addison and Derek walked into his office. "Sit down."

Addison and Derek did as they were told. Addison tried to begin defending them by saying, "Richard, it's complicated. We were disagreeing over a patient."

Derek was silent.

Richard looked at both of them and said, "It always is complicated with the two of you. How many times have you both been in here for arguing in front of the staff and patients?" Neither Derek or Addison spoke. They both looked down at their laps knowing it was a rhetorical question.

Richard continued, "It's been relatively quiet lately. What's brought this back on?" Addison and Derek looked at each other, but didn't answer Richard. "Oh no. You two are...? I can't keep up with the relationships in this hospital. I'm getting too old for this."

Addison spoke, "We'll keep it quiet. We'll keep our voices down. You know we don't let.. us...affect our work.

Richard asked Derek, "Do you have anything to add?"

"No sir," Derek answered.

Richard nodded and addressed them both. "Whatever you two are...doing...don't let it affect this hospital. Now...GO!"

Addison and Derek rose from their chairs and left Richard's office. Addison stood with her back against the wall just past Richard's office door. Derek stepped in front of her and said, "You've got to stop getting me into trouble."

Addison grinned. "I wouldn't get you into trouble if you'd just agree with me in the first place."

Derek leaned towards Addison and gently placed his lips on hers. He kissed her slowly and then pulled away. "How's that for going public?"

Before Addison answered, Derek walked away from her. She watched him walk and then called out to him, "Hey, Shepherd?"

Derek stopped and turned to glance back at Addison. "Yeah?"

"Make me some dinner reservations."

Derek smiled and replied, "Yes, Ma'am."

Addison watched him continue on his way until she couldn't see him any more. She let the weight of her body fall against the wall. _Where do we go from here, Derek? Would you follow me if I left Seattle? _

Addison abandoned her thoughts and went back to work.

Hours later, Addison was hanging her lab coat in her locker. She had finished with her patients for the day and she was meeting Derek at Cascadia in an hour and a half. She had just enough time to go to the hotel, shower, and pick out an outfit. _A date. I haven't been on a real date in years,_ Addison thought.

Just before she shut her locker door, she heard an angry voice behind her.

"Is it true?"

Addison turned around and saw Mark standing behind her. "Is what true," she asked.

"Don't play games, Addison. Meredith came in this morning looking like she's cried for days. I overheard O'Malley telling Stevens that you and Derek were yelling at each other earlier. You and Derek don't yell unless you care about each other enough to yell."

"We were arguing about a patient, Mark. Don't read more into it. Apparently, they took it the wrong way," Addison responded.

"Don't lie to me, Addison. You can lie by omission to Derek, but you don't lie to me. I was the one you came to when he ignored you….when he abandoned you…and finally, when you realized you had lost him to Meredith. What happens this time? And what about the deal we had?"

Addison sighed. "I never believed you'd hold up to it."

"Well, surprise, Addison! I did."

Mark slammed his fist against the lockers and left the room. Addison turned and quietly closed her locker's door. She shut her eyes and leaned her forehead against it. _So now, Derek, we've hurt two._

She pulled herself away from the locker, gathered her briefcase, and solemnly walked out of the locker room.

Addison was heading out to the hospital garage when she decided she should call Derek and let him know she might be a bit late for dinner. She pushed open the door to the floor where her car was parked. The garage was not well lit, but Addison was determined to find her cell phone in her briefcase anyway. _I have to tell Richard to ask for more lighting in this place. Where the heck did my cell fall too? It's always on the bottom. Everything I want is always on the bottom_, she thought. She continued to search for it while she walked to the rear of the garage where she left her car.

------------------------------------

Derek was sitting in the corner of the restaurant at a cozy table set for two. It was only 15 minutes past the time he'd told Addison to meet him for their dinner date. _She's normally punctual, but I know what it's like at the hospital. As soon as you think you can leave, something comes up that forces you to stay a bit longer_, Derek thought while swirling the alcohol in his scotch glass. _A date. With my ex-wife. What will she wear? Do I bring up the Boston thing again? Addie doesn't like to be pushed. But, I think I deserve to know what her plans are. Do they include me? Do mine include her? That firey redhead can make me boil at times. And then at others, she makes me melt. There was always just something about her that made me not want anyone else. Until I found her with Mark. Everything changed in that one minute. But, here I am. Needing her again. _

Lost in his thoughts, Derek didn't realize how much more time had passed until the waiter came back to his table.

"Another drink, sir?"

"Oh." Derek looked into his glass. "No, thank you. I'll wait until my guest shows up." Derek glanced at his watch. Forty-five minutes had passed since he arrived at the hotel. He decided to try and call her to see where she was. He hit her speed dial number on his cell phone. _The locks weren't changed. She's still on my speed dial. Who was I kidding? _ Derek let the phone ring at least 10 times before Addison's voice mail picked up. He sighed and left her a message, "Addie, it's me. Call me if you still want to come to dinner."

A few minutes later, Derek changed his mind and called the waiter over to his table. "I'll take another, please." The waiter nodded and left to retrieve his drink. _How long do I wait? Why isn't she calling me back?_

The waiter came back, took Derek's empty glass, and placed his full one on the table. "Anything else, sir?"

Derek shook his head. His patience was wearing thin. It was one thing to be late. That was understandable, but he did expect her to call him. Addison was an hour late. He tried her cell. Again, no answer. Derek shot back his drink, laid some money on the table, and walked out of the restaurant.

--------------Two hours later--------------------

Mark was standing in front of Addison's hotel room door. He had decided to come and make peace with her. If he couldn't have her romantically, he still wanted her friendship. Balancing the drink tray with two cups in it, he knocked on her door. He waited, but there was no answer.

"Addison, it's Mark. Open the door. I know you are in there. I saw your car in the parking garage….valet style as usual. I can hear the tv in your room. Open up."

No response.

"I have the key card. I can use it."

Still, no response from Addison.

"I have juju. Peace-making juju. Come on, Addie. Let the manwhore in. No pickles, just juju."

Mark heard footsteps and saw Derek coming down the hall. When Derek arrived at Addison's door, Derek asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same," Mark replied.

"Addison called me."

Mark scowled and handed Derek the drink tray. "Her key card is there. She's not answering the door."

Derek nodded and Mark walked away. Derek slid the key card into the slot. The light turned green and Derek opened the door with his free hand. He walked into the room and looked around. "Addie?" he asked quietly. The tv was on and he saw some of her clothes lying on the top of the hotel bed comforter. Derek furrowed his brows and walked into the room a bit further.

Then, he saw her. She was crouched on the floor between the bed and the end table with her back to the wall. Her forehead was resting on her knees. Her hair was wet and she was dressed only in her hotel robe. He stood before her and tried to make sense of what he saw.

Derek gently laid the cup tray on the end table and crouched down in front of Addison. He placed his hand on her knee and whispered, "Addison, what happened?" He could feel her shaking under his hand.

Derek waited for her to answer him, but Addison didn't move. He could hear her quietly crying. Derek took his hand off of her knee and pushed some of her hair back from her face. Addison shuddered.

"Addie, what happened?" Derek repeated. "I'm here now. You can tell me."

Addison slowly raised her head to look at Derek. A piece of her wet hair fell in front of her face, but Derek could see that her blue eyes were haunted and tears had stained her cheeks. _Something had happened to her while I impatiently waited for her at the restaurant,_ Derek thought.

"Derek?" Addison asked.

"It's me. Everything is ok." Derek pushed Addison's fallen hair behind her ears. Addison closed her eyes. He was afraid she was still in shock. "Addison, stay with me."

Addison opened her eyes, whimpered, and let out a long, broken sigh.

"You need to tell me what happened," Derek pleaded.

She took her arms off from around her legs and drew her robe tighter over her chest. She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands.

"Talk to me, Addison."

Addison swallowed hard and sighed again before she began to tell Derek what took place in the hospital garage.

"I wasn't paying enough attention. I was searching for my cell phone. I didn't want to keep you waiting."

Addison stopped for a moment and Derek took one of her hands to place it inside of both of his. Addison stared at their hands and continued, "I got to my car and before I could unlock it, I realized someone was behind me. I went to turn around….but he grabbed me and put his hand over my mouth. His van was next to my car."

Derek wasn't sure he could take hearing any more, but he knew she needed to tell him. He was becoming more distraught with each moment that she described. She was describing things in such a monotone voice that Derek was worried that she hadn't really processed what had happened yet. _Where was the security guard_, he thought. _No one heard or saw this happening??_

Addison shut her eyes again and Derek prompted her to continue talking to him. "Don't stop, Addie. You need to tell me."

Addison opened her eyes and stared at him for a moment. She nodded her head and quetly said, "He opened the van door and pushed me inside. He told me he had a knife, but I never saw one. He grabbed my keys and my briefcase out of my hand and threw them on the van floor. He took off my shoes and threw them down too." Addison raised an eyebrow and continued, "I fought, Derek. I fought and fought."

Derek smiled slightly and using his free hand, stroked the side of Addison's face. "That's my girl."

Addison continued remembering, speaking slowly, "It seemed to last forever…..but, finally….he just stopped."

"Addison, did he….?"

Addison shook her head before Derek could finish his question. "It never got that far. It was close, though, Derek. It was very close." Addison teared up and let them roll down her face. "I don't know why he let me go. He told me to get out. I grabbed what I could…And put myself back together….He crawled to the front of the van and started the engine. I moved as fast as I could to get out. I think I fell out of the van after I opened the door." Absently, Addison pushed the robe away from her knees and stared at them. Derek saw the scrapes on her knees and legs. He also noticed the bruises on her arms that he hadn't seen before. He clenched his jaw and wrapped his arms around her. Addison laid her head on her knees again and began to sob.

They both sat there together for awhile. Derek rested his head on hers and just let Addison cry. He knew she needed it. He knew she needed him to let her feel everything. _The sadness comes first_, he thought. _The anger comes later._

Finally, Addison's weeping slowed to just whimpers and sniffles. Derek lifted his head and put his hands on the sides of her head. He raised her head and peered into Addison's eyes. She closed them and softly said, "I'm so tired."

Derek dropped his hands, grabbed hers, and said, "I'm taking you back to the hospital. Come on."

Addison opened her eyes. "Derek, I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay here."

"I know you do. But you can't. You need to think like a doctor. What would you tell someone who just told you this story? I know what you'd tell them. You'd ask her why she stopped fighting after it was over. You'd tell her if anything happens to anyone else, her guilt would eat her alive. And you'd tell her that she's worth continuing the fight."

Derek stood up and helped Addison up. "I already showered, Derek. I screwed up."

"It's ok. Just put on some clothes and we'll deal with what we can at the hospital. You need to file an assault charge. I'll call Richard and let him know what happened. He'll need to have more security in place." Derek knew he had to get Addison to the hospital. He had to feel like he was doing something productive. He felt helpless even though Addison needed his strength right now.

Addison walked to her closet and began looking through her clothes. "I don't want everyone to know, Derek. And it's so late. Maybe you shouldn't call Richard now."

Derek followed Addison to her closet. "I know it's late, Addie. It doesn't matter. Richard is going to want to be there. We'll keep this as quiet as we can."

Addison picked out an outfit and headed towards the bathroom. Before walking in, she turned around and softly said, "Thank you."

Derek nodded and Addie disappeared into the bathroom to get dressed. Derek fumbled around the top shelf of the hotel closet until he found a dry cleaning bag. Grabbing it, he walked back to the bed. He collected the clothes that were scattered over the bed and shoved them into the plastic bag.

When Addison was finished getting dressed, Derek clasped his hand into hers and they left together for the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Where Growth Begins

Derek was sitting in the waiting area of the ER. He had gotten Addison into an exam room and stayed with her until the detective entered the room. Richard told Derek to wait outside while he stayed with Addison. When the ER doctor came in to examine her, Richard left the room and went to see Derek. He hated to essentially leave her alone, but it was at her insistence. She didn't want anyone she knew personally in the room.

Derek was leaning back in the waiting area chair with his eyes closed.

"Derek," Richard said.

Derek sat up and opened his eyes.

"How is she?"

"She's almost finished. She did great with the police report. Give them a few more minutes and you can discharge her."

Derek sighed and nodded. "How does this happen, Richard?"

"I don't know, Derek. I just don't know."

Derek stood and thanked Richard from coming in so late. Derek knew Addison appreciated it too.

"Go to her," Richard commanded.

------

Addison was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed tying her shoe laces when Derek came into the exam room. She smiled at him and said, "Take me home."

"I will. I have some sleeping pills that I want you to take. I'll drop you off at your hotel room. Take a couple of them and sleep the rest of the day."

As she carefully hopped off the bed she said, "I'm done with the clinical stuff today, Derek... You're not staying with me?"

"No. You need to sleep."

Addison sighed. "Ok," she replied sadly.

--------------------

Derek opened Addison's hotel room door and let her walk past him. He followed her and went into the bathroom to fill a glass with water. When he came out, Addison was lying on the bed.

"Addie, let me pull back the covers."

Addison got up and Derek threw back the covers. "Get in," he directed.

Addison glanced at him and crawled into the bed. Derek handed her the glass and two sleeping pills. She swallowed them and handed her glass back to Derek. He set it on the end table and then grabbed the covers on her bed. Addison laid down while Derek tucked the covers around her.

"Close your eyes."

Addison did as Derek told her. He bent down and gently kissed Addison's head. "I'll call you later. Sleep well."

Addison smiled slightly. Derek got off of the bed and walked out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.

--------------------------------

Addison went to work the next day despite Derek's attempts at keeping her away from the hospital. She walked up to the nurse's desk and sat down at a computer. She began working on charts and looking through her schedule for the next week.

"Addison?"

Addison looked up and saw Mark standing on the other side of the counter.

"Oh, hi," Addison replied and returned her eyes to the computer screen in front of her.

"Everything ok? You alright?"

"I'm good. I'm fine."

"Why are you here?"

Addison raised her eyebrows and asked, "Why wouldn't I be here. As far as I know, I still work here."

"Everyone knows, Addison. You should've taken more time off."

Exasperated, Addison pushed herself back from the desk and stood up. "Mark, thank you for caring, but really, I just want to get back to work. I should've known no one in this hospital could keep a secret."

Addison gathered her paperwork and walked past Mark. He turned and watched her walk away. Before she got too far, he said loudly, "When you're done today, don't go to your car alone."

Addison stopped, turned around, and sarcastically smiled at him. "Thanks for the advice."

---------------------Two Weeks Pass -----------------------------

Addison was confused. She thought things were progressing with Derek, but he had hardly spoken to her since the night in the ER. They talked briefly during the day at the hospital, but he had never come back to her hotel. He had never invited her back to his trailer either. She knew they were not yet a couple, but she had been hoping that it was going to happen at some point.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be going as she planned.

The past two weeks had been difficult. She was sick of people asking her how she was. She was sick of Mark, if for no other reason, than the fact that he was still around. He seemed to sense when things weren't going well for her. At times in her life that sense from him was a relief and enveloping, but now, it was only irritating. Meredith had been assigned to her for a few days and that, too, was suffocating and awkward for her.

Those feelings of confusion, sadness, and frustration made her decide to fill out, and send, the Boston Children's Hospital application. Addison knew the job was hers as soon as she could get the paperwork faxed and she had given her notice to Richard. She was at that point. She needed to go. She needed to start over.

---------------------------------------------

The next afternoon, she left the hospital early. She had had a conversation with Richard that morning. Richard was unhappy that she was leaving, but he understood her need for a change. Addison felt she had cried during the entire exchange. Richard had sat down next to her and just held her hand while she tried to get through it. She left feeling drained from that discussion and what had transpired in the last month.

Addison knew that Derek had the day off. She also knew that she had to see him. She had to tell him that she was moving to Boston.

Addison pulled into Derek's driveway. She tilted her head and smiled when she saw him sitting on a chair on the deck with beer in his hand.

Derek stared at Addison's car, but he didn't move to greet her. Addison turned off the engine and got out of her car.

"Hi, "Addison said as she shut the car door.

"Hi," Derek replied.

Addison walked up the steps toward Derek. "Can we go inside for a minute?"

Derek set his bottle down next to his chair and then got up. "Sure."

Derek opened the trailer door and Addison walked in. Derek followed her and stood opposite of her. He looked at her questioningly.

Addison took a deep breath before beginning to speak. Her stomach was in knots and she was hoping she could get through this conversation without throwing up. "Do you still love me? Because if you do, I need to know. You've barely spoken to me since the night in the ER. Did I do or say something wrong?"

Derek shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.

"Then what is it?!" Addison asked. "It's been a rough couple of weeks, Derek. I want to want us. I want to think we can still be Addison and Derek. But, I can't do….this. I can't continue to wonder whether I'm enough for you."

Derek stayed silent and Addison knew she had to tell him the rest. "I'm leaving Derek. I faxed the forms to Boston. I feel smothered here. Mark and Meredith are constantly in front of me. And everyone seems to want to shield me. From what, I don't know….but I can't take it anymore. I need space. I need to go somewhere without seeing past loves and hotel rooms every day."

Derek looked shocked. He never thought she'd actually accept the offer. "I do still love you, Addison."

"Then, why….?"

Derek interrupted Addison before she could finish her question. "What were you like after I left you the night I found out about Mark's baby?"

"What?" Addison whispered. "What are you….?"

"I need to know how you felt. I need to know you were ok because every time I think about that night, I see you crouched on the floor shaking and crying. I was angry when I found out about the baby. I know I hurt you that night. I shouldn't have come to you angry. I shouldn't have….."

Addison stepped closer to Derek. "Oh, My God, Derek! You can't compare what we did in the hotel room to what happened in the garage. You just can't! Is that why you've been avoiding me? Not talking to me?"

Derek replied, "The way I saw you after the attack? I don't ever want to do that to you. I couldn't live with myself if I'd ever hurt you that badly."

Addison took Derek's hand and said, "You are not a stranger, Derek. You could never hurt me like that. It's more painful for me to have you avoid and ignore me. I need you in my life, Derek. But, I won't beg you to go with me."

Derek took Addison's other hand. "I would never expect you to beg, Addison. You don't need to anyway."

Addison tilted her head and waited for Derek to continue. He let go of one of her hands and placed his palm on her cheek. Derek bent down and placed his lips onto hers. He kissed her softly and said, "I want to go where you go. I want to be with you wherever you are. I just don't want to hurt you again."

Addison smiled, sighed, and replied, "Oh, thank God because I wasn't sure how I was going to leave here in one piece if you dumped me."

Derek grabbed Addison around the waist, pulling her in towards him. "If you ever turn to someone else again, I will get another dog and let him chew every one of your $900 shoes."

Addison laughed and said, "And if you ever grow distant from me again, I will blow up this very trailer."

Derek joined her in the laughter and then stopped. "Speaking of the trailer….."

Addison interrupted him and said, "We'll keep it as a romantic, no-trout-inside, get-away vacation…..home."

Derek smiled and began to kiss her. They continued kissing while walking towards the bed and shedding their clothes. Once they finished making love, they laid in bed together enjoying the warmth and unspoken bond between them for the rest of the night.

The next week passed uneventfully. Addison and Derek spent every night together and they spent their short free time at the hospital together, as well.

Derek was in the doctor's lounge filling out patients' charts when Addison walked in.

"Hi."  
"Hey," replied Derek as he watched her sit down in the chair next to him.  
"Have you spoken to Richard, yet?" Addison asked.  
"No, I'll do it later today."  
"Are you putting it off for any reason?"  
"Nope. Just haven't had a chance. I'll do it today."

Addison smiled and pulled a sheet of paper out of her pile of charts that she had been carrying. "What do you think about this?" She pushed the paper towards Derek.

Derek picked it up and studied it. "It's a house."

"Yes. It could be _our_ house. Do you like it? I was searching online and found this one. It's on 10 acres. It has a lake on the property...it's man-made, but still..."  
"It's big."  
"You don't like it."  
"No, no...it's not that. I just hadn't thought about a house."

Derek continued to stare at the picture. "It has four bedrooms."  
"Four bedrooms and three bathrooms."  
"Why would we need four bedrooms?"

Addison grabbed the paper from Derek's hand. "Nevermind. I'll look for something else. Maybe I should look for **two** houses."

Addison gathered her papers and started to stand up. Derek grabbed her wrist and said, "Addison, wait."

Addison sighed and sat back down.  
"Derek...?"  
"Call the realtor. We'll fly out this weekend and look at it."  
"Really? Are you sure? I mean, if you really don't like it..."  
"We'll look at it together."

Addison smiled and leaned in to kiss Derek. "Thank you. Don't forget to talk to Richard today."

Derek nodded and watched Addison leave the lounge. _After everything that has happened, I still have trouble denying her what she wants_, Derek thought.

---------------------- the weekend arrives ------------------------

"Addison, we are going to Boston for the weekend. Why do you have so much luggage?"

Addison was filling suitcase #3 when Derek walked into her hotel room. Derek dropped his one overnight bag onto the floor.

"I just wasn't sure what else we were doing while we were there. Shopping? Fine dining? The zoo?"

Derek laughed, "the zoo??"

"Ok, not the zoo, but you know what I mean."

Derek shook his head in amazement. "Hurry up and finish. We need to get to the airport soon."

Addison tried shutting the suitcase closed. Frowning because the lid wouldn't fully shut, she climbed on the bed and sat on the lid. Closing the clasps successfully, she hopped off of the bed. "There! All done!"

"I'll have to call a porter for all of this stuff," Derek said.

Addison stared at her suitcases and replied, "Yeah, it looks like it."

Derek called down to the front desk. When he was off of the phone, Addison walked over to him and put her hands on his back. Derek turned around and pulled her towards him.

"What's wrong, Addie?" Derek asked, noticing the change in her eyes.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"You look worried."

"No...I'm good." Addison smiled slightly and continued, "This is our first real weekend together in a long time. I just want it to be perfect. I just want you to want to be with me."

"I do, Addison. I want what you want."

Addison and Derek hugged, silently, lost in their own thoughts for a few minutes. The porter knocked on the hotel room door and Derek broke away from Addison to open it for him. The porter walked into the room and began putting their luggage on the cart. Addison picked her purse up from the table and stood next to Derek. He entwined his fingers with hers and, together, they headed for the airport.

After settling into their hotel room in Boston, Addison asked Derek about his plans for the next morning. After flopping onto the bed next to Derek, Addison asked, "So, while I am showing the Boston Children's Hospital staff my sparkling personality, what are you going to be doing?"

"I'll find something to do." Derek reached over Addison to grab the remote on the end stand next to her. He pushed the power button and began channel surfing. "I have my laptop. I'll get some work done. When you are finished at the hospital, we'll go check out the house."

"Sounds like a plan," Addison replied. "Are you hungry? We could go out to dinner. Or we could order room service."

"I am hungry." Derek turned towards Addison. "For you."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Is that all you ever think about?"

"No…..Yes." Derek threw the remote on the floor and rolled on top of Addison. "We'll eat later," Derek mumbled as he started kissing her.

"Sounds like a plan," Addison mumbled back.

--------------------------------------------

The next morning Addison was in the bathroom applying her make up when Derek walked in.

"Hey, Sleepyhead," Addison said, smiling.

"Hi. Don't you have to be at the hospital soon?"

"Yeah. I sorta slept in myself."

Derek turned on the shower and waited for it to warm up. "Hmmm…I'm hungry this morning. We sort of forgot to eat last night."

Addison watched him undress. "I guess we were too busy." She waited a second and then asked him, "Did Meredith cook you breakfast?"

"Addison, don't. Let it go." Before stepping into the shower, he added, "But for the record, no, she didn't. Izzie does the cooking."

Addison gathered her make up bag and replied, "Good," before leaving the bathroom.

Derek came out of the bathroom a few minutes later with just a towel on.

Addison smiled. "Nice. I'm very happy that I'm getting the chance to see you in a towel again."

Derek walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead. "And if you don't go to your meeting, you won't get many more chances. I don't get half naked for unemployed women."

Addison giggled, kissed him back, and grabbed her briefcase. "I'll call you when I'm on my way back here."

"I promise to be dressed by then," Derek said.

Addison opened the hotel room door, turned back toward Derek, and said, "Promises, promises."

Derek laughed and threw his towel at her as she closed the hotel room door behind her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derek and Addison were in their rental car driving the 45 minutes it took to get to their potential new home. They both knew it would be outside the city limits and a bit of a commute to work, but Addison had her heart set on at least checking it out.

After Addison had finished her meeting at the hospital, she and Derek had eaten a quick lunch. Addison was excited to tell Derek everything she had heard about the staff and her new job at BCH. Derek sat quietly listening to her and enjoyed seeing her so happy. He hadn't seen Addison like that in a long time. It had reminded him of so long ago when Addison had come running up to him squealing, "I did it, Derek! I got in! I got the Attending position!" Things had a way of coming full circle.

"This must be it," Derek said as he spotted the large red brick house with the realtor's sign in the manicured front lawn.

"Yep. That's it," Addison replied.

Derek turned into the long driveway and drove until he saw the realtor's car near the house. They both climbed out of their car and shut the doors. Addison took a long gaze at the house and thought, _Perfect. Please like it, Derek. Please._ Derek had already introduced himself to the realtor that was standing on the front porch. Addison walked quickly to meet them in front of the beautiful oak front door.

The friendly realtor, Mrs. Reyes, opened the door and allowed Derek and Addison to walk into the foyer. It had 9 ft ceilings and a marble floor. They followed her towards the right side of the house where a massive great room opened up. Derek began asking her technical questions about the house. He asked her why it was for sale. He asked her how new the roof was. He asked her how many furnaces it had. The house was 80 years old, but completely renovated. The last owner was only the second one to own the house. He was a widower and had moved south for a warmer climate. The roof had been completely overhauled in 2005. The house had 2 furnaces and dual air conditioners. It was 3800 square feet of beautiful living space.

While Derek was playing twenty questions with Mrs. Reyes, Addison was checking out the first floor. The cathedral ceiling in the great room had large wooden beams flanking it. There was a brick fireplace with one side facing the great room and the other side facing the well-endowed kitchen.

Addison slowly walked into the kitchen and ran her hands along the Corian countertops. The kitchen also boasted stainless steel appliances including a double oven embedded in one wall. Derek caught up to Addison and stood behind her. He whispered into her ear, "Why are you bothering to look at the kitchen?"

Addison smiled and turned around to face Derek. "Har Har. Maybe Boston would be a great place to learn to cook."

"Let's hope so!"

Addison smacked Derek's arm and continued to scrutinize her palace.

They walked from room to room, floor to floor, with Derek asking questions and Addison touching walls and staircase banisters. The house held 13 rooms, plus, a double foyer, a finished basement, an attic, and a Florida room which over looked the man-made lake in the rear of the property. Surrounding the lake were acres of wooded areas. It was a peaceful place. It was a grand place. It was all Addison had hoped for.

The drive back to the hotel was a quiet one. Both Addison and Derek were lost in their own thoughts. Derek had spoken with Mrs. Reyes after they finished viewing the house. He had told her they would contact her within a day or two with their decision regarding a bid.

Addison's thoughts were on Derek_. Did he like it? Would he make this big step toward their total reconciliation? If he did agree to the house, would he regret it later? Was she moving too fast? Was she in denial about Derek being able to completely forgive her and move on together?_

Derek's thoughts were on Addison. _What did this house mean to her? Was it more than just a house? Was it a way for her to try to reclaim with they had before he became absent and she slept with his best friend?_

Addison's cell phone rang and interrupted both of their individual thoughts. She grabbed the phone out of her purse and flipped it open.

"Hello? Yes, this is she….Uh huh…..I could be there tomorrow afternoon. I am currently out of the state, but I'll be returning to Seattle tomorrow late morning…..Ok, I will talk with you then. Thank you for calling." Addison shut her cell phone and stared out her window.

Derek glanced at her and asked, "Who was that?"

"Dectective Thompson from the Seattle Police Department. They have information regarding my case to pass on to me. I'll meet with him tomorrow when we get back."

Derek clenched his jaw and replied, "I'll go with you. Hopefully, it's good news and they got this bastard."

"Yeah….hopefully." Addison continued to look out her window.

"You, ok?"

"Yeah. I just…..it was kind of going away, ya know? I was finally starting to not think about him. I was finally starting to not have the nightmares…."

Derek looked towards her and interrupted her, "You had nightmares?! When?! You never told me…."

Addison turned back towards Derek. "I mostly had them right afterwards, but….we weren't together much then. The later times, I didn't want to wake you, so I just got up and dealt with them myself."

Derek took his free hand and grabbed Addison's fingers. He wrapped his hand over them. "I'm sorry. Next time, I'll be there."

Addison smiled sadly and replied, "I just want to move on, Derek. I just want to move on with everything."

Derek and Addison dropped their luggage off at the trailer before driving in to the city to meet with Detective Thompson.

"That was a whirlwind weekend," Addison commented.

Derek nodded his agreement. "Two weeks left here in Seattle."

"Yeah. This whole year has flown by."

Again, Derek nodded.

The small talk really wasn't going anywhere for either of them. They both knew a bigger decision needed to be made.

"Derek...about the house...I want you to make your own decision. I don't want to be the one that makes it for you. I don't want you to regret it later. I don't want to feel guilty that I pressured you into living there. I don't want you to resent me for pressuring you to live there. I don't want you to live somewhere that isn't you. I've been there, done that."

Addison smiled at her reference to the trailer, but Derek stared forward focused on the road in front of them.

Addison continued, "I mean, I can certainly afford to buy it myself. It's not like we have to live together. Maybe I shouldn't assume that's what you were planning on doing. Just because you agreed to move to Boston doesn't mean we have to live there together. So, what I am saying is that this house doesn't have to be the huge elephant between us. I could buy the house and you could visit."

"Are you done...rambling?"

Addison blankly stared at Derek.

He glanced at her and smiled. "You ramble when you're nervous."

Addison frowned and said, "I do not."

"You do. But, back to the point. I was just sitting here thinking, before you began your long, drawn out explanation, that I should stock the pond this Spring so I can fish there next summer."

Addison slowly smiled as she figured out his meaning. "Really?!"

Derek glanced back at her and grinned. "Really. It's a great house. It has the best of both of us. I'll call Mrs. Reyes this evening and we can place a bid."

Addison unhooked her seatbelt to reach up and kiss Derek's cheek. She also whispered in his ear, "I'll give you my formal thank you later tonight."

Derek laughed and said, "I'll look forward to it...now, get your seatbelt back on."

Addison sat back in her seat and reattached her seatbelt. "After the meeting with the detective, we'll need to stop for some furniture magazines."

Derek rolled his eyes and said, "Oh God, here we go."

Addison laughed out loud and smacked Derek's arm. She linked her fingers around his hand that was resting on the drive shaft. He lifed their hands and kissed her fingers.

"To new beginnings," he said.

"Yeah, to new beginnings," Addison replied.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Finding a Root and Hanging On

Addison and Derek arrived at the Seattle Police Department in the middle of the afternoon. They walked to the reception desk and Addison told the young woman seated there, her name.

"Hello. I'm Addison Montgomery and I'm here to see Detective Thompson."

"One moment, please. I will tell him you are here," the receptionist replied.

"Thank you."

Addison and Derek only waited a few minutes when Detective Thompson came down the hallway to greet them.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Montgomery. Thank you for coming." Detective Thompson held out his hand to shake Addison's. She shook it and then introduced Derek.

"Detective Thompson, this is my…friend..., Dr. Shepherd."

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Shepherd."

The two men shook hands.

"Likewise," Derek replied.

"Please follow me to my office and we'll go over what we know about your case."

Addison and Derek followed Detective Thompson down a long hallway and through a door with his nameplate stuck to it.

Addison liked his office. It was manly, but comfortable. As she was admiring his office, the detective offered them seats.

"Please, sit down."

Addison and Derek sat in the two chairs that were facing the detective's large mahogany desk.

Detective Thompson pulled Addison's file out from under a mound of paperwork strewn over his desk. Addison was surprised he could find the file with such ease.

"Dr. Montgomery, we had an armed robbery here a few days ago. The suspect held up a convenience store and ended up holding the manager of the store hostage. To make a long story short, the guy came out of the store with his hostage and started firing his weapon. One of our snipers took a shot at him. Hit him point blank in the chest. The hostage ran and was left unharmed." The detective stopped talking for a moment and opened Addison's file folder. "Now, you are probably wondering why I'm telling you this, right?"

Addison made one slow blink of her eyes, but didn't answer the detective.

"We ran the plates which were on his van. The van matched the description you gave us the night of your assault. After the coroner was finished processing him, we ran his prints and DNA. A print matched one that we took off of your briefcase."

Addison stared at the detective. She suddenly felt nauseous. "He's dead," she whispered, with little emotion.

"Yes, Ma'am. Your case is closed."

Addison ran her fingers through her hair and sighed heavily.

"He can't hurt you or anyone else again. I'm sure that is a relief for you, yes?"

Derek was watching Addison closely. He didn't like what he saw. _Why isn't she happy? She's barely moving. Why isn't she answering his question, _Derek wondered.

"Addison?" Derek asked.

Hearing Derek's voice snapped Addison from her thoughts. "I'm sorry. I'm just shocked, I guess."

"Understandable, Ma'am. The only thing here to finish up is your report. I'll need you to sign this form stating that you understand your case is now closed." Detective Thompson slid the paper towards Addison and laid his pen on top of it.

Addison didn't move.

"Addie. Sign the paper," Derek prompted.

Addison looked at Derek and then back to the paper on the desk. She slowly picked up the pen and wrote her name on the line beside the 'x.'

Derek thanked the detective for both he and Addison. They walked out to the parking lot holding hands. Once they were inside the car, Derek started questioning Addison.

"What happened in there? I would think you'd be relieved that he's dead. At one point, I was afraid you were going to get sick."

Addison turned so she could face Derek better. "I don't know if you'll understand this. And even when **I** think it, I feel guilty for it."

"Just tell me."

"I wanted the satisfaction of hearing a judge sentence him. I wanted to see him in a courtroom….I feel cheated. I know it sounds horrible because he's dead, but….I do….I just do."

"Addison….," Derek whispered. "Revenge won't make you forget what he did to you."

"It's not revenge, Derek! It's justice. It's a chance for me to watch him squirm and fight….like I did. He should pay for it, Derek!"

"I agree, but he's dead. That's a big price to pay."

Addison turned back towards her window. She knew Derek was right, but a small part of her wished it was she that drove the final bullet through his chest.

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The next week seemed to fly. Derek and Addison were busy with patients and packing. Derek was leaving some basic clothes and fishing gear at the trailer. Addison had packed and shipped most of her clothes and shoes.

The owner of the house had taken their first bid, so Addison was also busy picking out and ordering furniture, bedding, and curtains.

As they lay in bed together in the trailer, Addison was flipping through furniture magazines and she said, happily, "I'm good at shopping."

Derek still had his eyes closed, hoping to sleep a bit longer, but Addison didn't seem to understand that need. At least not lately. She was too excited. Although sleeping in this morning would've been nice, Derek was content to listen to her chatter. He enjoyed hearing her so happy. It also made him realize how long it had been since he had heard that in her voice.

"That you are. You are also good at other things."

"Oh, really?" Addison said seductively. "And what would those other things be?"

"Keeping me awake when I want to be asleep."

Addison smirked, grabbed Derek's pillow out from under his head and whacked him with it.

"Hey!" Derek snatched the pillow from her and whacked her back. Addison grabbed Derek's shoulders. He leaned over her and bent his head down so their lips touched. They kissed for a moment and Derek whispered, "I'm falling in love with you…again."

Addison smiled and whispered back, "I never fell out."

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Addison and Derek walked into the hospital together. Before getting into the elevator to go to their respective floors, Richard approached them.

"You're both late," Richard said, sternly.

Addison glanced at Derek and then looked back towards Richard. "We were…" She cleared her throat before continuing. "Eating."

Richard looked at both of them completely puzzled. He was thinking of questioning them, but instead, just shook his head and walked away.

Addison and Derek both began laughing while entering the elevator.

"Great save, Addie. Great save."

"Well, I didn't hear you doing any explaining!"

"I was waiting to hear your next great comeback, had he asked you what you were talking about."

"Funny, Derek. Really funny," Addison said, giggling in spite of herself.

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Addison had done two surgeries the morning of her final day at Seattle Grace. After the last surgery, she felt she need some time alone. She walked into an empty physician's lounge and flopped down on the couch. She sighed and laid her head on the back of it. She shut her eyes and hoped her mind would just go blank for a bit.

A few minutes later, the door flew open. Callie rushed in, mumbling to herself, "I don't know how much more of these new interns I can take."

Her head turned and she saw Addison sitting on the couch. "Oh! Addison! I'm sorry! I didn't think anyone was in here. The lights were off…."

Addison sat up and opened her eyes. "It's ok. I was just getting a little quiet time in. Hiding, in a way, I guess."

"From who?"

"Sloane."

Callie grimaced. "What did he do now?"

Addison smiled slightly. "Nothing. It's not him. It's me. I'm having trouble figuring out what to say to him….how to say goodbye. So, I'm basically just hiding from him."

Callie smiled in understanding. "You two have been through a lot. There are probably some mixed feelings there."

"Yeah. There are."

"I heard your assault case is closed. That's good news!"

"Yep. I didn't get exactly what I was looking for, but I'm glad it's over."

"I'm sure Derek is relieved."

"He is, but he doesn't understand my feelings on it."

"He's a guy, Addison."

Addison laughed. "Yeah, you're right." Ok, enough about me. Congratulations on your new position!"

Callie smiled. "Thanks! It takes some getting used to."

"You'll do great. How's George?"

"He's good. We're working on things."

"Good. Let me know when I need to send a baby shower gift."

"I'll let you know."

Addison stood up. "I should get back to work." Her pager vibrated and she looked down at the screen. "I've got to take this. One last hug, though?"

Callie stood up from the couch and said, "Of course."

The two women hugged for a moment. Addison then said, "Take care of yourself."

"You too."

"Call me with any OB questions," Addison teased.

"You'd be the first one I'd ask. But honestly, I don't want to have to use your surgery skills."

Addison laughed. "I wouldn't want that either. Bye, Callie."

"Bye, Addison."

Addison walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her. _Another goodbye down. Only two more to go_, she thought. Unfortunately, Richard and Mark were going to be the toughest goodbyes to get through.

Addison walked swiftly down the hall. She saw Karev running towards her. When he got to her, he said, "We need to hurry. Mrs. Hatchman is hemorrhaging."

Addison began running down the hall to get through another one of her "last" patients at Seattle Grace.

---------------------------------

Addison and Alex had finished Mrs. Hatchman's surgery. Addison had had to perform an emergency C-section to save the baby and stop the hemorrhage.

"Nice work, Karev."

"Thanks. You too. How's the baby going to be?"

"We'll have to wait 48 hours before we know if she'll survive. She seems like a fighter, though."

Alex took off his scrub cap and gown and threw them in the trash receptacle.

"You'll be gone in 48 hours."

Addison removed her cap and gown, shoved it on top of Alex's, and shut the receptacle's lid. "Yeah, I will be. I'll leave you in charge of the baby until tomorrow when my replacement arrives."

"No one can replace you."

Addison smiled. Karev's compliments were far and few between, but she knew when he said them, he meant them. "Thanks. I'm proud of you. You've come a long way on the Gynie-Squad."

Alex flushed and replied, "Sorry about the Squad-thing."

"It's ok. It's you. I get that."

"I hope you find what you're looking for in Boston. I hope you and Derek are…ya know…happy."

"Thank you, Alex. You're going to be a great surgeon in whatever area you specialize in."

Alex decided this conversation should end before he says more mushy stuff he'll be embarrassed about later. "We'll I'd better go…check on the baby and stuff."

"Yeah. Keep me updated."

"I will." Alex turned to walk out of the double doors of the scrub room when Addison said, "Karev?"

Alex stopped and turned towards her. "Yeah?"

"I'll miss you. Good luck."

"Yeah, you too."

Addison watched Alex leave the room. _One goodbye that I didn't see coming_, she thought.

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Mark walked up behind Addison, who was standing at the nurse's station finishing her last official patient's chart.

"Were you planning on leaving without saying goodbye?"

Addison turned around, startled that someone was behind her. "No. Of course not. I was…um…just finishing this chart before coming to find you," she stammered.

Not noticing her lie, Mark put his arm around Addison's shoulders and said, "Let's go somewhere where we can talk alone." Mark led her across from the nurse's desk and into an empty exam room.

While Mark was shutting the door, Addison remarked, "What is it with you guys and exam rooms?"

Mark flashed his McSteamy smile and said, "It has more room than an elevator."

"Funny," Addison replied, sarcastically.

They both stared at each other for a moment. Addison's stomach tightened and she could feel her heart begin to beat rapidly. _I knew this wasn't going to be easy_, she thought.

Mark finally broke the silence and spoke first. "This is what you want? You're ready to forgive and forget?"

Addison sighed. "I love Derek, Mark. I never really stopped loving him."

"I don't want to see you hurt, Addison. You're both my family, but **you're** the one I'm going to try to make feel better. You're the one I'd protect. You're the one I'd fly across the country for."

"We hurt him too, Mark. I can't forget that."

"I'm not forgetting that. I want my family back. I know I can't have you, but I'd take my family back if Derek would let me."

"I think it's too late. I think there's too much history here….between **us**."

"I'll still be here, Addison. If you need anything….I don't want you going into this blind. You and Derek could go back to Addison-and-Derek or it could blow up in your face."

"Mark…."

"Just listen to me for a minute. Derek and I may be ex-best friends, but I know him. I don't want him getting comfortable knowing you are there again and then finding another Meredith to perk up his ego."

Addison couldn't believe what she was hearing. _How could a simple goodbye turn into a lecture_, she thought?

"I'm done with this…." Addison tried to walk past Mark, but he grabbed her arm.

"I'm not finished. I care about you, Addison. I care about you a lot. I saw you before we were together and I saw you afterwards. … He broke your confidence. And then he abandoned you. I'd never want to see you that way again."

Addison stood still, angry and hurt, and fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. "I'm sorry, Mark. I really am. I know I hurt you. That was never my intention."

She shook her head trying to clear it. "We're just….we're just not good for each other. I love Derek. I screwed up. I screw up badly, but I'm getting another chance. Thank you…for being here for me. Thank you for coming here."

Addison allowed a lone tear to fall down her cheek. "I will miss you, Mark. Find someone else. Find someone better than me."

Mark used his thumb to wipe the tear from her cheek.

"I have to go, Mark. I have to say goodbye." Addison reached up to kiss Mark's cheek. She rested her own cheek to his for a moment and Mark could feel the dampness of her tears.

Mark let go of her arm and Addison walked out of the door, using her fingertips to dry the tears that she couldn't keep from falling. She picked up her chart from the nurse's station and headed back down the hallway.

Mark followed Addison out of the exam room, but he walked in the opposite direction of her.

Neither of them saw Derek standing a few feet behind the nurse's desk watching them leave.

Derek watched Addison walk away. He could see that she was upset. He turned in Mark's direction and walked quickly to catch up to him.

"Mark," Derek called out.

Mark stopped and turned towards Derek.

"What did you do to Addison?"

"What?"

"I saw the both of you leave the exam room."

"Derek, don't go assuming things just because she and I were in the same room."

"She was crying, Mark. What did you do to her?"

"Nothing. We were talking. She got emotional, that's all."

"Addison doesn't get emotional in public."

"We weren't in public. We were alone."

"Maybe you shouldn't be alone with my…with her."

"You're lucky, Derek. If I were her, I wouldn't forget quite so easily."

"I could say the same about you."

"Derek, when you're done rubbing the fact that I slept with your ex-wife in my face every day, let me know. Maybe then we can move on. Take good care of Addison. She deserves it."

Mark turned from Derek and walked away. Mark had hoped for a better goodbye with Derek, but it was clear to Mark that he wasn't yet forgiven for being with Addison. Mark hoped Derek really did understand how lucky he was.

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Derek and Addison had planned on meeting in the late afternoon to see Richard together. Derek watched her sitting in a doctor's lounge through the wide window. He stared at her for a minute before entering the room.

"What'cha doing?" Derek asked as he stood behind Addison's chair. He began to rub her shoulders. She leaned her head back towards Derek and smiled.

"That feels good. I'm organizing the files I've worked on since I came here. Just something to keep me busy, really."

Derek continued squeezing and releasing her tired muscles. "Tough last day, huh?"

"Yeah."

Derek stopped the impromptu massage and asked her, "Tough goodbye with Mark?"

Addison pulled her head up and turned towards him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I saw you leave together earlier."

Addison sighed. "We didn't leave _together_."

Derek pulled out the chair next to her and sat down. "Close enough."

"Derek, today was more difficult than I thought it would be. Please don't add to it with irrational jealous thoughts."

"I'm not jealous. And if I was, it wouldn't be irrational."

Addie shot him a look. "Then, what's wrong? I'm not allowed to speak to him now? To say goodbye to him? He was once a part of our family."

"You can do whatever you want to...I saw you come out of an empty exam room crying, followed by Mark. It didn't go over well with me."

"Can we just drop this? We have another goodbye that I'd like to get over-with. It seems to get harder for me as the day goes on."

"Fine. Gather your stuff and let's go."

As Addison began picking up her files, she wondered if she'd heard the last of this conversation. He had seemed to drop it easier than she thought he would. But, then again, Derek was like that at times.

------------------------------------------

Addison and Derek each sat down in a chair opposite of Richard. Richard spoke first.

"Addie, you look perplexed."

Addison smiled and replied, "No, I just...I think this is the first time Derek and I have been in your office together without being in trouble...or trying to give you unwanted advice."

Richard laughed. "You might be right about that." He got serious for a moment and begun his speech to them.

"First off, I'm going to miss you both personally and professionally. I was...I am...honored that you both chose to come here and work in my surgical wards. I had the best neuro and OB that anyone could ever have. I never doubted either of you. And I know that, Derek, whomever you choose to align yourself with will be grateful to have you. And, Addison. BCH is lucky to have you. I wish you both the best in your continuing surgical careers."

"As for personally, you two are like children to me. As you periodically demonstrate here at the hospital at times."

Derek and Addison looked at each other and smiled.

Richard continued, "But that same energy can easily be transformed into an incredible depth between the two of you. Take care of each other. Learn from your past. Go back to enjoying each other. I'll still be here if either of you need me. And I expect updates from both of you. I'm glad you are back together. Forgiveness is an amazing thing. Now...Go...Go start over together."

All three of them stood up. Derek and Richard shook hands.

"Thank you for everything, Richard."

"Good luck, Derek. Let me know where you will be practicing."

Addison stood back for a moment and Richard walked towards her. "Good luck, Addison. I'll miss you."

Addison could feel more tears building up and she seemed surprised that she could have more to shed. "I'll miss you too. Thank you. I kind of feel like I've let you down coming here...with the whole neo-natal wing-thing...and now leaving you..."

"Don't feel that way. I want what's best for you. You need to be complete. In all areas of your life. Don't settle for second best."

Richard grabbed Addison's shoulders and pulled her towards him. She rested her chin on his shoulder and hugged him back. Richard stayed still for a moment and then broke away.

"Ok, you two. Go clean out your lockers and get out of here."

Richard took Addison's hand and led her out of Richard's office.

"You go ahead to your locker. I have one more thing to do. I'll meet you in an hour on the roof by the viewfinder," Derek told Addison.

"On the roof?"

"Yep. Just be there."

"Ok. Kind of cryptic, but ok."

Addison leaned in and gave Derek a peck on the cheek before heading to the locker room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Letting Love Grow…Back**

Over an hour later, Derek was waiting for Addison on the rooftop. He was on the far end of the roof with his back to the entrance into the hospital when Addison arrived.

"Hey," Addison called.

Derek turned around and smiled. "Hey, yourself."

"Sorry I'm late. I had a few last minute things to attend to, but now, I am officially finished….. So, why am I meeting you here? What do you have up your lab coat sleeve?" Addison teased.

Derek walked to Addison. "Not much. I just wanted a last look at Seattle. And I wanted that last look to be with you."

Addison smiled. "We'll be back, Derek."

"I know. I just thought seeing the sun go down here would be a great final goodbye."

"Yeah, it is. It's beautiful." Addison turned to look out at the skyline. It was early evening and the sun was just beginning to slink down into the horizon. "I actually grew to enjoy Seattle. Still not crazy about the rain, but the rest of the city was growing on me."

"You don't have to lie, Addison."

Addison laughed and said, "No, I'm not lying. It was growing on me."

Derek pointed to the viewfinder. "Take one last look. I know they are your favorite."

Addie smiled and walked over to the viewfinder. She bent down so that her forehead was pressed to the top of it. She glanced around the city for a few moments and then stood up saying, "I really do love these little things. They remind me so much of New York City." She patted the top of the viewfinder and turned to find Derek standing directly behind her.

"I know they do."

Addison felt like there was something more Derek wanted to say, but instead of talking, he was continuing to watch her.

"What?" Addison asked. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Suddenly, Derek bent down on one knee and pulled a small black velvet box out of his lab coat pocket.

"Derek…."

"Addison, I wanted you to come up here because I wanted to give you a good memory of Seattle. I feel like I've made the worst memories for you here. I want to make that up to you. I want this to be your final thought of Seattle."

Derek opened the box and revealed a 4-carat, marquis-shaped diamond engagement ring. "We've been through so much in the past 12 years. So much love and so much heart-ache. I want to go back. I want to go back to being Derek and Addison. Will you marry me….again?"

Tears rolled down Addison's cheeks. She finally had no reason to hide them this time. Addison nodded her answer, not being able to speak yet.

Derek stood and pulled the ring out of the box. Addison held her hand out for Derek. He placed her hand in his to keep it from shaking while he gently slid the ring onto her finger.

Addison stared at the ring in surprise and awe. "Derek, it's beautiful. It's amazing. I can't even…."

"You don't have to say anything. I can see it in you. I love you, Addison."

"I love you, too, Derek." Addison wrapped her arms around Derek's neck and hugged him tightly. Derek pulled her close to him keeping his hands on her back. He closed his eyes and thought, _I hope this is your good memory, Addison. I hope it makes up for all of the others._

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Derek and Addison stepped off of the ferry and onto the dock. There had been very few people on the ferry with them, and now, there were only a handful of cars in the dimly lit parking lot.

Derek and Addison had stayed on the roof of the hospital enjoying the sunset together. They had kissed on the roof, but both of them wanted to wait until later to do more than that.

"Well, at least we don't have to remember where we parked," Addison quipped at the low amount of cars in the lot. They were walking side by side to Derek's Jeep.

Derek looked down at Addison's hand. "You don't need to keep feeling for it," he said, noticing her fingering her ring over and over. "It's still there."

Addison smiled and glanced at Derek. "I know it is, but I want to feel it. It feels so good."

They reached Derek's SUV and instead of opening the door for her, Derek grabbed Addison's waist and playfully shoved her against the Jeep.

"I know that smirk, Derek," Addison teased.

"Yeah? Do you know this too?"

Derek pushed Addison's hair back from her face and deeply kissed her. She responded and dug her fingers into his tousled hair.

"Derek, we should…..," Addison mumbled between kisses.

Derek slid her over a bit and pulled open the back door of the Jeep. Addison climbed in and onto the bench seat. Derek followed her, closing the door behind him. He gently laid her back on the seat and began kissing her neck and nibbling on her earlobes. Addison sighed happily and tilted her head back.

"We need a bigger Jeep," Addie mumbled as her head tapped against the door frame.

"Shhhh," Derek replied, kissing the bare flesh on her upper chest above the 'v' on her light summer sweater. He slid his hands up the bottom of her sweater. He, then, ran them over her covered breasts and pinched the top of her bra between his fingers. Addison closed her eyes, enjoying his familiar touch. Derek leaned down to place his lips on hers while he continued to gently feel the top of her breasts under her bra. He moved his lips back down to her neck and Addison could feel his hot breath against her skin.

Derek removed one hand from under her sweater and began to rub her thigh just below the hem of her short skirt. Addison continued to keep her eyes closed. Derek reached down and pulled off one of her high heels, letting it drop to the Jeep floor. He squeezed her foot and then continued to push his hand up the inside of her thigh towards her skirt. His fingers snaked inside her skirt and up toward her panties, pushing her skirt up on one side. He ran his fingers around the rim of her panties and buried his head into the crook of Addison's neck. Derek tugged at the side of her underwear with one hand while continuing to squeeze her breast through her bra with the other.

Addie's heart began to beat harder and faster. Her breathing, too, became quicker. She clenched her eyes tighter, hoping the panic feeling would pass…..it didn't. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling of the Jeep. After a moment, Addison pushed against Derek.

"Stop."

Derek pulled his hand out from the side of her panties.

"Derek, stop." Addison tried to sit up and she pushed Derek's arm out from under her sweater. Derek removed his hand from her skirt, sat up, and ran both of his hands through his hair.

"Why?!"

" Addison, you got into the Jeep. You laid back. You seemed to be enjoying it. Why stop?"

"I know. I just…..I thought…No, I _did_. I wanted to, I did."

"Then, what's wrong?"

"At first, it was great…. but, then I felt you take off my shoe…. and I heard it hit the floor. It just…then I felt your hand pulling on my underwear and….it reminded me…I'm sorry… Derek." Addison bent her head down and began rubbing her ring again.

Derek furrowed his eyebrows as the realization hit him. "Oh, Addison. I didn't even think about…" Derek sighed and put his hand under her chin. He pulled her chin up and forced her to look at him. "**Hey**," Derek said a bit more sternly than he meant to. "You have no reason to apologize." Derek began rubbing her cheek with is thumb. "No one expects you to get over what happened in such a short time. It's biological. You know that. It's a defense mechanism. Your brain's protecting you. It's ok."

Derek pulled Addison close to him, tightening his hands around her back. She laid her head on his chest and let her weight lay against him. Derek took one hand from around her back and began caressing her hair while his hand traveled down her back. "It's ok. We'll go home. We'll go home and start over."

Derek pulled into the driveway and turned off the Jeep. He and Addison hadn't spoken on the ride to the trailer. They were both lost in their own thoughts.

Before Derek opened his door, Addison asked him, "Did you talk to Meredith before you left?"

Derek kept his hand on the lever of the door and stared straight ahead. Somehow he knew this question was coming at some point. "Yeah, I did."

"Why didn't you tell me about it?"

"I didn't intentionally keep it from you. I just didn't want to bring her up and you didn't ask."

"Oh." Addison looked out her window and then continued, "How did it go?"

Derek glanced at Addison and said, "It was hard. I didn't want to her hurt anymore, but I felt that I owed her an explanation. Some closure."

Addison turned back towards Derek and nodded. "I could've handled hearing about it."

"You don't need details. It's done." Derek opened the driver's side door and slid out of the Jeep.

Addison sighed and did the same on her side. She walked behind him and stood close to him while he unlocked the trailer's door. He pulled it open and allowed her to walk through the doorway. She craned her neck to see if Derek was behind her. "Are you coming in?"

"Yeah. I was deciding if I should get anything out of the Jeep or just leave it in there. The movers will be taking everything out tomorrow morning. The cars will be towed to Boston. Is there anything that you want out of your car?"

Addison shook her head. "No, it's fine. Just let them take it all. Come in."

Derek walked into the trailer and let the door slam behind him. Addison opened the refrigerator. "Hmmmm….a beer or….. a beer?"

"I'll take a nice hot red-headed drink for one." Derek came up to Addison and grabbed her waist from behind. Addison giggled. "Come on…do you want a beer or not? If not, I get two."

"Yeah, I'll take one."

Addison grabbed both beers and handed them to Derek. He twisted the tops off of them and handed hers back to her.

"It's not champagne, but we can still celebrate."

"It's enough for me." Addison took a swig of her bottle and then set it on the kitchen counter.

Derek set his bottle on the counter next hers without drinking any of it. "There's one more surprise that I have for you this evening."

"Really?, Addison asked expectantly.

Derek took both of Addison's hands in his and looked at her ring for a moment. She looked down as well and then back up at Derek.

"I may not be unemployed for long."

Addison smiled. "That's great! What's going on?"

"Richard and I have been in contact with a neurosurgeon in Boston. She has had her own practice for 4 years and is looking to gain a partner to share patients and surgeries with. I've been speaking with her for over a week now and we are on the same page with philosophies, medicine, and patient treatment. She seems great and it would be perfect for me. I could go back to less hours, which means more time with you. I could have patients but not do it all alone. We would share expenses and I'd be a full partner in the practice."

"She?"

" Addison."

"Ok, I'm sorry. I'm just a little shocked. I mean, ok, you work with women all of the time at the hospital, but that's different. You're going to be with this woman probably more than you'll be with me during the day."

Derek smiled, "jealous?"

"No!"

Derek tilted his head and grinned.

"Ok, a little. But, really, Derek, you need to know this woman. Really know her. I don't want you to jump into something just to be employed."

Derek was trying hard not to laugh at Addison. He knew she would not find that amusing. "Oh, I understand. You are trying to save my pride…not that you're jealous or anything. Uh huh, right."

"Shut up…..Sorry….I really am happy for you, Derek. I am! If this is really what you want and you think it will be professionally satisfying for you, then I'm completely behind you all the way. I'm proud of you. I've always been proud of your work and your dedication. She'll be lucky to have you beside her."

Derek placed his hands on either side of Addison's cheeks. He leaned in and kissed her passionately.

"Screw the beer. Let's begin the real celebration."

Addison smiled and began to unbutton Derek's dress shirt. He held onto her waist and turned her so that her back was against the side of the countertop. Addison removed Derek's shirt over his shoulders and began kissing his chest. Derek pulled his arms out of his shirt and threw it onto the floor behind him. He slipped his hands up under her sweater and began to gently slide her bra straps over the top of her shoulders. Addison leaned back and Derek lifted her sweater over her head. She shook her head, freeing her long, red hair from the bottom of the sweater. Derek moaned and tangled his fingers in her hair.

Addison bent down and began to kiss Derek's chest again. She licked each of his nipples and inched her way down towards his stomach. Derek tightened his muscles as she used her tongue to jab in and out of his belly button. Her fingers began freeing the clasp on the belt buckle of his pants. Derek continued to wrap his fingers in her hair, twisting and pulling gently with every kiss she gave him.

Hearing his belt buckle rattle made Addison want to free him more quickly. She abruptly rose up a bit and grabbed Derek's arms. She pulled them past her so that he could hold onto the counter that was behind her.

"No touching until I tell you," Addison teased.

"God, you're bossy." Derek teased back.

Addison lowered herself and crouched between the cupboards and Derek. She used her teeth to unbutton his pants while her fingers brought down the zipper. With a few tough yanks, Derek's pants and boxers ended up around his ankles. Addison glanced up at Derek. He had his eyes closed and his chin was close to his chest.

Addison smiled and began to rub his penis with her hands. She could feel his body tense when she stopped using her hands and began to use her mouth.

"Bossy is good," Derek muttered.

Addison continued giving him pleasure until she could tell that he was close to an orgasm. Suddenly, she stood up and Derek tried to grab her shoulders. Addison stopped him and said, "Hey! You aren't following directions!"

"Screw the directions."

Derek turned Addison around so that she was facing the kitchen counter. She placed her hands on top of the chilly Formica. Slowly he unfastened the hooks holding her bra onto her body. Next, he used his tongue to push the straps off of her shoulders. Addison tilted her head back allowing her hair to flow down her back to where her bra strap used to be. She let go of the countertop long enough to allow her bra to drop in front of her. Derek cupped her breasts with his hands and kissed her back through her hair.

Addison felt her stomach twitch as Derek's fingers left her breasts and traveled lower down her torso. Using both hands, he pulled at the elastic around her skirt. He then slid it past her rear and let it drop to her feet.

Derek used his fingers to push the front of her panties to the side. He kissed the back of her neck while slipping his fingers into her body.

Addison sucked in air at the penetration of his fingers. She bent her head toward the countertop, enjoying his touch.

"I need you, Addison," Derek uttered as he pulled his fingers from her. He slid her panties over her hips and let them fall to where her skirt laid. They both pushed off their shoes and stepped out from their clothes. Derek turned Addison towards him and then guided her to the bedroom.

Addison stopped swiftly when she saw the bed in front of her. Grinning, she said, "How did you….? When…?"

Red rose petals were strewn all over the comforter of the bed. There were also vases of white callalillies, so much like those she carried in her wedding bouquet 12 years ago, sitting on the end tables on either side of the bed. The room smelled earthly and sweet.

"I was hoping you'd say 'yes.' I had no plan if you said 'no.'," Derek admitted quietly in her ear.

"It's beautiful."

"So are you."

Derek gently led Addison towards the bed and she lay back, feeling the soft rose petals under her skin. He parted her legs and settled between them. Feeling her so close to his body was something he missed. He silently vowed, at that moment, to never take her for granted again. Derek pushed himself up from her and asked, "You ok? I don't want to rush you…"

"It's ok, Derek. I'm good."

Derek nodded and positioned himself over her.

"Don't close your eyes," he commanded. "Just watch me."

Addison did as Derek said, grateful for his patience and compassion.

He began to gently thrust himself into her. At first, Addison tensed as he entered her, but she quickly relaxed and began stroking his back. The feeling of him inside of her became familiar again and she held onto his back, not wanting to let go.

Derek continued to feel himself swell inside of her, but he wasn't ready to let go yet. He wanted this moment to last longer. He pushed himself away from her and pulled out from her body.

"Turn over," Derek directed.

Addison rolled over onto her stomach and pulled her knees up under herself. Derek grasped her hips and re-entered her. She lifted her head up and he stroked her hair while pumping her from behind.

After several minutes, Derek could no longer hold out. He plunged into her deeply and let himself go, allowing the climax he felt to make his head spin.

Wanting Addison to feel the same euphoria as he, while still inside of her, Derek began fingering her clitoris. She let her forehead drop against Derek's pillow, allowing herself to relax and enjoy his touch.

It didn't take long before Addison could feel the heat rushing to her face and the amazing feeling of dizziness that accompanied it.

Derek smiled as he felt Addison shiver and shudder beneath him. He released himself from her and they both laid side by side on their backs, hearts racing, trying to gain some normal breathing.

"Wow," Derek spoke breathlessly.

"Yeah, wow," Addison repeated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Miniature Melt Down**

Two weeks later, Derek and Addison were close to finishing unpacking their moved boxes and rearranging the furniture Addison had had delivered.

Addison was in the kitchen placing their silverware in the designated flatware drawer. Derek called to her from outside of the upstairs bedroom that he had claimed as an office for himself.

"Addie?"

Addison placed the fork inside the drawer and walked to the foyer. She looked up the stairs to see Derek at the top with a box in his hands.

"What's that?," Addison asked Derek.

"I believe it was placed in the wrong room."

"What's in it?"

Derek made a face and said, "Girlie stuff."

Addison smiled and walked up the stairs. "Could you be a little more specific?"

Derek opened one flap on the top of the box to reveal a package of tampons. "I have no use for these in my very masculine office."

Addison smirked and took the box from Derek. "I have no idea why not," she retorted. Leaning towards him, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek and headed towards the master bathroom.

Addison set the box on the floor and began to put away its contents. As she got to the bottom of the box, she found a small round container. Addison felt a momentary point of panic as she realized what it was. She picked up the disk and slowly opened it.

_Shit_, she thought. Somehow between wrapping things up in Seattle, the impromptu engagement, and moving to Boston, she had forgotten to take her birth control pills. Knowing that she couldn't just continue where she had left off two weeks ago, Addison popped out the rest of the pack and flushed them down the toilet_. I'm the most brilliant OB/GYN ever,_ she thought sarcastically. Addison sighed. _I'll just have to start the next set after I get this month's period. _

Addison finished placing the contents of the box Derek had given her underneath the bathroom sink and didn't give the pills another thought.

------------------------- 4 Weeks Later --------------------------

Addison was in full swing at the hospital. She had been working diligently for the past four weeks. With it being a children's hospital, there was never any lack of infants or pregnant moms that needed her help. Most of her patients were transferred to her from other hospitals that didn't have the level of care that they needed.

There was one particular doctor that she had attached to professionally. Dr. Matthew Freeman, 41, was a Pediatric Psychiatrist at the hospital and he took an instant liking to Addison. He introduced her to the staff and showed her around the hospital for the first week. After that, they hung out during lunch and just chatted, in general, about each other's lives. Matthew had been married for 10 years, but divorced his wife just a year ago. He wasn't interested in Addison for anything other than friendship and Addison appreciated his kindness and support on her first days on the job.

Three weeks later, they were acting more like brother and sister than colleagues. Matt would tease her about re-marrying her ex-husband and Addison would tease him about the women he chose to date. He was the kind of guy that Addison needed. He was someone that she could confide in one moment and joke with the next….all without feeling any kind of pressure from him.

--------------------------------------------

Derek had signed a contract with Dr. Rachel Adams the second week of living in Boston. He was thrilled. He was also very busy. Rachel had given him some of her patients and he was working hard on making sure they were well taken care of. At times, that meant having to be called into their affiliated hospital to perform surgeries or rounds, but he loved it all.

He enjoyed working with Rachel. She was professional, caring, and social. She took him to some of the fun restaurants in town during their lunch hours and she pointed out places that she thought Derek and Addison would like to visit in Boston.

Rachel was 38 and single. She told Derek that she just hadn't found the right guy. She knew some of that had to do with her job and she found herself a bit jealous of Derek. She told him he was a lucky guy. He had found his girl during medical school and never had to look further than that. Derek hadn't volunteered any more information on his life other than that fact, so he knew Rachel didn't really understand the whole story. But, to him, it didn't matter. She was a colleague, not a best friend. As long as she knew Derek was with Addison, that's all that mattered to him.

Addison had hired a decorator to fill his office with color and furniture. As Derek looked around, he was satisfied. Everything was falling back into place. He was beginning to feel content…he had a new job that excited him….he had a fiancé who he was lucky enough to have a second chance with…and he had a house with the acreage to play with when he needed some down time. Derek sighed and smiled at how things finally felt just right.

-----------------------------------------

Addison was standing at the nurse's station filling out a patient's chart when Matthew came up behind her.

"Hi Addison!"

Addison turned around to say hello back, but instead she shut her eyes and turned back to grab the station's counter again.

"You ok?" Matthew asked her with concern. He had seen a glimpse of her face before she turned back towards the station. Her normally fresh, glowing face had turned pale before his eyes. He reached towards her and placed his hands around her waist to help support her better.

Addison kept her eyes shut for another moment, letting the nausea and dizziness pass before turning back toward Matthew. He let his hands drop from her waist. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got dizzy there for a second. How are you?"

"Apparently better than you are. Have you eaten lunch yet?"

"No. That's probably what's wrong. I should really eat something."

"Let's go to the cafeteria then. I'm sure we'll find something that will truly make you dizzy there."

Addison laughed and told the head nurse to page her if she was needed. Together, they walked to the hospital cafeteria, chose their food, and sat down together.

"No wonder you get dizzy. Chicken noodle soup and crackers? That's it? Get something substantial woman!"

Addison laughed and replied, "This is fine. It's good, actually."

While they were both enjoying the beginning of their lunch, Derek walked into the cafeteria to meet Addison at their agreed upon time. Instead of seeing her at a table alone, he saw her sitting with a man he didn't know. Derek walked up to the table and said, "Ahhh, I see I've been replaced for lunch."

Surprised, Addison put down her spoon. "Derek?!"

Derek looked from Matthew to Addison absently. "I'm here for lunch. This is the right day, right? We did agree to meet for lunch, right?"

"Oh my God, Derek, I'm sorry. I totally forgot."

" Addison, it's not polite to forget your ex-husband's/new fiancé's appointed meeting times," Matthew joked.

Addison looked between Matthew and Derek trying to quickly come up with a way to get out of this. She decided to go the introduction route. "Derek, this is Dr. Matthew Freeman. He's a Child Psychiatrist here at the hospital. Matthew, Dr. Derek Shepherd."

The two men shook hands and gave each other two fake smiles.

"Matthew, please feel free to stay and have lunch with us."

Derek gave Addison a look in which she interpreted as not being so nice and excused himself to go and purchase his lunch.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Addison, but thank you. He seems like a …. You seem happy with him."

"Funny, Matt."

Matthew laughed and got up from the table, taking his lunch tray with him. "I'll see you in an hour for the Attending's Meeting in the conference room.

"I'll be there," Addison replied and went back to eating her soup. _This_ _day's going lovely_, she thought.

A few minutes later, Derek sat down across from Addison in Matthew's vacant seat. "So where'd the shrink go?"

"Derek," Addison said with exasperation. "Can you at least be civil? He's a nice guy."

"I guess so because it seems you've already explained your whole life story to him."

"Quit. He's a psychiatrist. He asks a lot of questions."

Derek smiled. "And you obviously had no problem answering them."

Addison rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry about the lunch thing. My head's been in the sand the last week with work and all."

Derek put his sandwich down and said, "I'll forgive you this time. But you may have to appease me later."

Addison performed another eye roll and chuckled at Derek's hint of his evening plans.

"What time is your shift over?"

"Six. What time do you leave the office?"

"Around the same time. I'll pick up dinner and a couple of movies if you'll pick up some wine."

"Sounds like a plan. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend with you."

"Me too. It's been so crazy this last month. It'll be nice to just lay around with you…..preferable naked," Derek teased.

"You are incorrigible."

"And I plan to stay that way."

Addison left the conference room hoping she could make it to the bathroom in her office. _I think Matt was serious about that cafeteria food. I'm going back to brown bagging it_, she thought as she quickly got onto the elevator to her Neonatal floor. She placed her hand on her stomach trying to settle it as the elevator raised two floors. _Come on, come on, come on. Finally_.

Addison exited the elevator and rushed to her office keeping her eyes on the floor hoping that no one would engage her in any conversations. She entered her outer office and told Mrs. Nettle, her secretary, that she would be in her office for a bit, but that she didn't want to be interrupted.

Addison opened the door to her spacious office, closed and locked it, and walked into the private bathroom. A huge perk of this job was the gorgeous office, its amazing window view behind her desk, and the convenience of a private bathroom.

Addison stood still for a moment before she knew she couldn't wait any longer. She approached the toilet and crouched in front of it. In an instant, all of her chicken noodle soup came up and filled the toilet water. She gagged once more and flushed the remains away. As she went to stand up, she again felt the same rush of dizziness that had come earlier that day. She lowered herself back to the floor and sat with her knees bent and her head in between them_. Thank God, it's almost the weekend. If I'm going to be sick, at least I won't be missing any work with it_, she thought.

Once her world stop spinning, Addison placed her hand on the turned-down toilet seat and used it to push herself up. She walked over to the sink and stared at herself. _Wow. You look bad. Throwing up is not becoming to you_. Addison found a washcloth in the corner of the vanity and ran cold water on it. She placed it against her face and allowed the chill to cool her cheeks.

She opened the drawer beneath the sink and took out a bottle of mouthwash. After swishing and rinsing multiple times, she put the bottle back into the drawer and left the bathroom.

As soon as she sat down on the chair in front of her desk, the sound of her secretary filled the room. Addison closed her eyes wondering why she had to have interruptions when she had asked for none.

"Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison pushed the conference button on her phone and answered her secretary. "Yes, Faith?"

"I'm so sorry to disturb you, but a patient of yours is insisting she reschedule and I needed a confirmation from you."

"Fine. What day does she need and when was she in last?"

Addison heard Faith rustling the appointment book before answering her. "She was in two weeks ago and she'd like to come in on Wednesday of next week instead of Monday."

Addison flipped her own calendar back two weeks and saw a small red 'x' on one of the date boxes.

She remained silent until Faith finally prompted her out of her thoughts. "Dr. Montgomery? Will that be ok?"

Addison shook her head, knocking her senses back to the current moment. "Yes, Faith. Thank you. She can certainly come in on Wednesday. That's fine."

"Thank you! Again, I'm so sorry to bother you."

"It's ok. I understand." Addison pushed the conference button again, disconnecting from Faith. She was still staring at the box with the little red "x."

Addison closed her appointment book and looked at the clock_. 4:00_, she thought. She still had rounds to finish before heading home. Five premature infants were in the NICU waiting for their afternoon exams. She knew she needed to perform those and leave write ups for the on-call doctor that was covering for her this weekend.

Addison sat in her chair for a moment tapping her fingers lightly on the desktop. She closed her eyes and thought, _Not now_. _This can't be happening now_. Sighing, she continued_, Heh. Of course it can. We didn't exactly prevent it. Smart move there, doc…..Ok, ok. Calm down. There's no need to jump to conclusions. I should know before I panic, right? I mean, I'm here….in a hospital. I can certainly get some results before freaking out. _

Addison stood in front of the supply closet deciding whether or not to go into it. She knew she should, technically, purchase the pregnancy test in the hospital's pharmacy. Addison also knew that approximately fifteen minutes after purchasing said test, everyone and their brother would be asking her when she was due. She didn't want anyone to know anything, so she had decided that taking it from the supply closet was the best option.

After scanning her surroundings, she entered the closet and shut the door. Looking on the shelves, she finally saw the pile of boxes that she was looking for. She grabbed a pregnancy test, marked it off of the inventory list, and signed her initials next to it. _There_, she thought. _Now I didn't really steal it. No one's going to be suspicious of an __OB__ taking a pregnancy test from the supply, right? _Addison smacked her forehead with the box and thought, _Ugh…stop thinking so much_.

Addison opened the door with one hand and slid the box into her lab coat pocket with the other. She began walking quickly with her head down towards the NICU. As she rounded a corner, she nearly ran smack into Matthew.

"Hey, what's your rush?" Matt jokingly asked, putting his hands out to stop Addison from bumping into him.

Surprised, Addison replied, "Oh! I'm sorry! I wasn't paying…I'm off to NICU to round."

"An emergency?" Matt asked her?

"No. I just have some things to wrap up before leaving for the weekend."

"Ok." He tilted his head and gazed at her, wondering why she seemed so tense. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I've gotta run. Have a good weekend."

"Thanks, you too." Matt moved sideways so that Addison could pass him. _She's not good_, he thought. _But, she'll tell me in her own time. _

----------------------------------------

Addison stood in the bathroom of her office fingering the pregnancy test box. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. _I've only had to do this one other time_, she thought. _I'm not sure what I want it to tell me this time. I'm not ready for it to be positive. I haven't had enough time with Derek this time around. He's right where he wants to be. He may not be ready to be a father. I'm not ready to be a mother. But, then again, how disappointed will I be if it's negative? Isn't this what I've always wanted? A baby with Derek? Just not now. Just…. not…. now. _

Addison opened the end of the box and pulled the test strip out. Yanking on the foil that surrounded the test, she broke it apart. She took off the clear end cap and performed the test. Picking up the end cap from the counter, she pressed it back onto the test, being careful not to look at the results window. If it was positive, she had no doubt that it wouldn't take long to show up.

Addison gently laid the test on the counter and walked out to her office. She glanced at the clock on her desk.

5:57.

Three minutes. She had to force herself to do something for three long minutes.

She decided to sit down at her desk and look through the small pile of messages that her secretary had left her. She made one return phone call and looked back at the clock.

5:58.

Sighing, Addison got up and paced the floor. She tried to think of the babies in the NICU. She went through each child's name, their parent's names, where they were born, and the problems that each of them had. She remembered how the smallest one, Kendall, had reflexively grabbed her finger when Addison placed her pinky into the tiny hand of hers. _They're amazing_, she thought. _They fight and fight until some just can't fight any longer._ Those were the hardest days for her. The days when Addison had done everything she could and she just had to let them go.

Addison stopped pacing and walked back to her desk.

5:59.

_One minute. One minute until I find out if my life will change forever. One minute until I find out whether I can handle what I'll see, no matter how it turns out. One minute until I find out if I'll need to take time off in a few months. One minute until I find out if I'll look back on this moment and wish it had turned out differently. One minute. That's all that's left_.

Addison unlocked the bottom drawer of her desk and pulled out her purse. She placed it quietly on the desk. After that, she leaned over and grabbed her briefcase from under the desk. She laid it next to her purse and looked at the clock.

6:00.

Taking a deep breath, Addison stepped into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror before picking up the test strip. After picking it up, she stared at the results window. She held the test in one hand and grabbed the foil with the other. Addison gently slid the test strip back into the foil wrapper and then pushed it back into the original box.

_It's time to go home_. Addison dropped the pregnancy test into her purse and then slid her purse over her shoulder. She picked up her briefcase and left her office. On her way out of the hospital, she pulled the test out of her purse, deposited it into a public trash receptacle, and headed home to begin her weekend.

---------------------------------

As Addison pulled her sedan into the garage, she noticed that Derek's side was still empty. _Probably still getting groceries_, she thought.

She entered the kitchen and put the wine bottle in the refrigerator to chill. She stepped out of her heels, left them next to a chair by the kitchen table, and walked into the foyer. She set her briefcase and her purse inside the foyer closet and headed upstairs to their bedroom to change her clothes. Pulling open her bottom dresser drawer, Addison chose a pair of denim stone-washed jeans, thinking, _I won't be wearing these in a few months._ Next, she walked to Derek's dresser and chose a worn-out Yankees t-shirt for herself. Even after a washing, she could still smell his scent on his clothing.

Addison took the bag that she had carried into the house and the clothes that she had picked out into the master bathroom. Opening the bag, she took out the box of saltine crackers and lemon drops that she had purchased at the store with the wine. Moving her 'girlie' items under the vanity aside, Addison shoved the box of crackers and package of candy behind them. She pulled the tampon boxes in front of them concealing the other items.

" Addison?" Derek yelled from the bottom of the staircase.

Addison jumped at the sound her of name and quickly shut the cupboard door beneath the vanity. Standing up, she walked out of the bathroom and opened the bedroom door to answer him.

"I'm upstairs. I was going to shower before dinner, if that's ok."

Derek had climbed the steps to meet her at their bedroom door.

"I called for you a few times."

"Sorry. I guess I just didn't hear you," she replied, still standing in the doorway.

Derek quickly kissed Addison and said, while grinning, "Take a shower. I'll start dinner and then you can take another shower with me later."

Addison smiled and kissed Derek back. "You mean we actually get to eat **first** this time?"

Chuckling, Derek teased, "Yeah, I thought I'd mix it up."

Addison laughed and made her way back into the bathroom to get ready for her shower.

A half an hour later, Addison walked into the kitchen and watched Derek placing a plate full of food at her spot on the kitchen table.

Derek saw her walk in and asked her, "Feeling better?"

Addison grinned and replied, "Yeah, thanks." She turned from him and sat down at the table.

"Cute shirt," he said while playfully tugging on her ponytail.

Addison looked down at the Yankees t-shirt and smiled, "It feels good."

"It _looks_ good."

Derek sat across from Addison and began eating.

"Did you get this cordon bleu from the deli?" she asked him.

"You don't think that I made this from scratch?! I'm offended!" Derek teased her.

Addison chuckled and said, apologetically, "I'm sorry. It looks delish."

Addison's stomach churned and she hoped it would soon pass. _How do I explain having to get up from dinner to throw up_, she thought.

"Are you going to actually eat it?"

"Oh! Yeah, of course." Addison picked up her fork and knife and began to slowly cut the meat apart. She moved the potatoes and green beans around her plate with the fork before sliding a piece of chicken into her mouth.

Derek began talking, between bites, about the practice. He talked about different patients and their conditions. He told her about Rachel's patients and how he will need to tend to them next weekend while it's his turn to be on-call at the hospital.

Addison nodded, but heard none of it. She was concentrating on getting her dinner to stay put in her stomach. Taking small sips of wine, she knew that this little amount wouldn't harm their baby. Luckily for her, Derek hadn't noticed what she had left on her plate or what she left in her wine glass.

About an hour later, Addison began clearing the table. Derek stood and walked over to stand behind her at the kitchen sink. He slid his hands around her waist and whispered, "You seem tired. You ok?"

Addison smiled slightly and turned her head towards him. "Yeah, I'm good. Just a little tired, I guess."

Derek led her away from the kitchen and into the great room. He pointed to the couch and told her to lay down on it. "We'll clean up later. Let's watch one of these movies and just relax."

Addison laid down on the couch, grateful for the chance to rest her body. Her stomach had settled a bit now that it was filled a little more. For that, she was equally grateful.

Derek popped in a dvd and sat on the couch next to her. He lifted her legs and laid them on top of his lap. With one hand, he absently began to massage her feet while using the other hand to begin the movie using the remote control.

Addison was asleep before the title flashed onto the screen.

-------------------------------------

Two hours later, Addison began to stir. Derek glanced at her, said, "Hey, sleepyhead," and then returned to watching the end of the movie.

Addison sat up and pulled her legs from Derek's lap. She lowered her head into her hands and hunched over her knees. "Hi," she mumbled.

He glanced back towards her and asked, "Ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good," she muttered. She stood up and headed to the bathroom. When she returned, she sat back down on the couch next to Derek. "What'ya watching?"

"Inside Out. It's a weird movie, but it's got a hot red-head in it," he said smiling at her.

Addison grinned and then rubbed her eyes. "Nice. Sorry I fell asleep."

Derek watched the credits begin to roll and he shut off the tv. "That's ok. You must be tired."

"Yeah, I must be."

Derek pushed back some of Addison's strands of hair that had fallen from her ponytail while she slept. "Ya wanna go upstairs or are you too awake now?"

Addison slowly stood up. "I'm not awake yet. Actually, I feel like I could go right back to sleep."

Derek stood and took her hand. "Well, I'll have to prevent that for awhile," he teased.

When they reached their bedroom, Derek slid out of his pants and began unbuttoning his shirt. Addison pushed off her jeans and lay down on the mattress, leaving her t-shirt on. She pulled the tie out of her ponytail, shaking her head to let her hair flow freely down her back. Derek threw his shirt on the floor next to his pants and climbed onto the bed, propping his back against the headboard. Addison moved so she could rest her head on his lap. He began stroking her head, letting his hand travel down her back over her hair.

Derek reached towards the end table and grabbed the remote. He turned on a Yankees/Red Sox game. They watched in silence for a moment. Then, Addison asked him, "Do you regret not having children?"

Derek's brows furrowed and he stopped petting her head. "Why are you thinking about that now?"

"Can you just answer me?"

"I don't know. I would've wanted one at some point, but we were always so busy. It really wouldn't have been fair. And then everything else happened and I just never thought about it any more."

"But, you would've been open to it?"

Derek had no idea where this was coming from and he wasn't sure how to answer it. "Yeah, I guess. But, then I would've had to share you. And I'm not good at sharing. I want you to myself," he said jokingly.

Addison smiled slightly. "No, you aren't good at sharing."

Derek pointed the remote at the tv and yelled, "Oh, come on!! He was out by a mile!"

"He wasn't out, Derek. He got there way before the other guy tagged the base," Addison argued.

"Are you kidding?! We can watch it again and I'll show you he was out!"

"I really don't care either way."

Derek sighed. "Ugh…5-1, this game is so over. I guess that Yankees t-shirt you're wearing isn't good luck tonight." He pushed the "off" button on the remote and the room went dark.

Addison pushed herself off of Derek and went to lie on her own side of the bed. Not facing him, she pulled her legs up and bent them at her knees. She felt Derek slide behind her, spooning himself to her back. Although she really wanted to go back to sleep, she also felt like she needed what he obviously wanted. She needed his closeness and his arms around her. She turned towards him and pulled herself up to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled him to her. He didn't know why, but he felt like she needed to be comforted. Somehow he knew she needed to be close to him.

When they had finished making love, they continued to hold each other in their arms while falling into a fitful sleep.

------------------------

Derek awoke early the next morning, noticing that light was just beginning to filter in through the bedroom windows. He rolled over and glanced at the clock, which read 5:45am. Groaning, he rolled back over and tried to shut his eyes. The sound of Addison, next to him, whimpering, forced his eyes back open. _Is that why I woke up_, he thought. _Did I hear her crying?_ He watched her silently for a moment waiting to see if she would wake herself up. She was facing him and he watched as a lone tear rolled down her cheek burying itself in her pillowcase. He propped himself up on his elbow and tilted his head. _Do I wake her? Or should I just let her get through her dream, which will probably cause her to wake herself up?_

Addison began moving, but she was still asleep. Derek watched as more tears fell from her closed eyes. He couldn't wait any longer. He began to whisper her name and rub her upper arm. "Addison?"

Derek got no response from her. He tried again, a bit louder than before. "Addison? Addie? Wake up, sweetie."

Again, nothing except for more whimpers and tears from her.

He began to shake her upper arm causing her whole body to roll back and forth a bit. "Addie. Come on….wake up."

Addison startled and her eyes flew open. She drew back from Derek, wondering why he was watching her so closely.

"Hey, there," Derek whispered. "You were having a nightmare."

Addison creased her eyebrows and tried to sit up. Before she did, Derek used his thumb to wipe away the remaining tears on her cheeks.

Addison sat up and pushed her legs over the edge of the bed, her back facing Derek. She hastily began rubbing her face dry. "Oh. Thanks for waking me up."

Derek moved towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "You're welcome."

He massaged her shoulders for a minute before asking, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Addison stood up, causing Derek's hands to fall to the mattress. "No. I'm going to take a shower."

"Addison, it's still early. You don't need to get up for anything."

She began walking towards the bathroom and said, "I can't go back to sleep now anyway."

Derek got off of the bed and pulled on his pants that were still on the bedroom floor. "Me either. I'll go down and get some coffee started."

From the bathroom, Addison said, "I think it's a juju day, Derek."

Derek chuckled and nodded his head.

After he left the bedroom, Addison shut and locked the bathroom door. She trudged to the toilet and began her morning routine in front of it. Once she was finished, she started the shower water. She turned it on as hot as she could physically stand it. Throwing her clothes into the hamper in the corner, she began to think about the dream she had.

Addison let the steaming water pulsate on the top of her head and fall into her face. Her mind wandered back to her nightmare.

_Addison was in the middle of an empty operating room and she was visibly pregnant. Derek was standing to her left screaming at her. "How could you do this," he yelled. I will never raise Mark's baby. You betrayed me. You lied to me. You are nothing but an adulteress slut." _

_Addison was openly crying and begging for Derek to forgive her. "It was an accident," she sobbed. "It was mistake. I just didn't think, Derek. Please don't go." _

_Derek continued to call her names and he refused to accept her excuses. _

_Her mother nodded her head in agreement and said, gravely, "We need a replacement child, Addison." _

_Addison began to shake her head violently and laid a protective hand on her large stomach. She looked toward her brother, hoping that he would protect her like he always used to. _

_Instead, he looked to his parents and then back towards Addison. "They're right Ad. They just want back what you took away." _

_Addison began to shake and said, again, still weeping, "It was a mistake. It was an accident." _

_The next thing she knew, she had awoken abruptly and Derek was staring at her. _

Addison absently pushed the water from her face. She turned towards the stream and tilted her head down so that the water fell from the ends of her hair onto the shower floor.

She turned her head when she heard the shower door open. Surprised, she asked, "How did you get the door open?"

Derek avoided her question by asking another. "Since when do you lock the bathroom door?"

When Addison didn't answer him, he placed his hands on her shoulders, gently turning her towards him and away from the stream of water. She raised her head and looked into his eyes.

"I just needed some time alone."

"Because of the dream?"

"Yeah. I just needed a moment to get over it."

Derek began caressing her upper arms. "The garage, again?"

"What?" Addison asked confused.

"Was it another nightmare about the hospital garage?"

Addison lifted her hands up to touch Derek's chest. "Oh, no. It wasn't that. I haven't had one of those in awhile."

Derek's hands left her arms and he folded them around her face. Leaning down, he said "Good. But, I'm sorry you had whatever dream you did," and laid his lips on hers.

Pulling back, Addison said, "Our juju is getting cold."

Derek ran his hands over the top of her head and down her back. "I'll re-heat it later. I have other plans at the moment."

Addison grinned and used a kiss as her agreement to his plans.

-----------------------------

Addison was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and reading the morning paper. Derek walked in after finishing his shower and noticed that she only had one piece of toast on her plate.

"That's all you are eating for breakfast?"

Addison looked up from the Lifestyle section and replied, "Yeah. I'm not that hungry. I left the Sports section out for you."

Derek began clanking pans as he decided what he wanted for breakfast. "Thanks. I guess we already know how that Yankees game turned out."

After Derek's breakfast was ready, he sat down across from her.

Addison glanced at his place, feeling her stomach lurch. She had already endured the smell of grease and cooked eggs while he was frying his bacon and eggs. Normally, those smells would comfort her, reminding her of earlier days in their marriage when cooking breakfast together was a habitual ritual. But, this morning, the stench was nauseating for her.

"Something wrong with my plate," Derek asked while he watched Addison staring at it.

Embarrassed at being caught, she muttered, "Oh, no. Just looking at it," and went back to looking at her newspaper.

Opening the Sports section, Derek replied, "I decided to go for some good heart-blocking foods this morning. I'm sick of that Muslix stuff."

Both of them ate and read in silence for a few minutes until Derek asked her, "What are your ideas for today?"

Addison pushed her plate away, with half of the toast still remaining on it, and said, "Nothing major. I want to rearrange some things in the dining room and probably do something outside."

"Sounds good. Let me know if you need help moving anything. I need to go into town for some lawn items. I have some ideas for the pond that I want to look into. I'll need to go to Home Depot and a nursery for that stuff."

Rising from the table with the dishes from her breakfast, Addison said, "Ok. Can you bring back a book on plants for me? I'd like to know what's already planted around here and what may or may not come back."

Derek followed her to the dishwasher with his plate. "You're not going with me?"

Addison placed her plate into the dishwasher and waited until Derek did the same. Then, she said, "No. I'll just stay here and get some things done."

Disappointed, Derek replied, "I'll be gone for a few hours. You sure you don't want to go along?"

Addison cleaned up the newspapers and set them in the recycling bin next to the trash can. "I'll be fine here, Derek. Just go. I can handle myself alone here."

Derek creased his brows wondering what the sudden change in attitude was for. Shrugging his shoulders, he grabbed his wallet and his keys from the counter and walked out the garage door.

As soon as she heard the garage door close and she knew he was down the driveway, she ran into the half-bath next to the kitchen and retched all over it.

-----------------------

The rest of the weekend went about the same as it started. Addison continued to hide her pregnancy and Derek continued to wonder why she barely ate, took naps she never used to take, and was, in general, in a lousy mood. They both went to bed early Sunday evening, knowing they had to get up early the next day to begin their commute to work.

Before falling asleep, Derek turned to Addison, who was lying on her back with her eyes open, and asked her, "What's wrong? You haven't been yourself all weekend. And don't tell me that you're good. That's always a cover-up."

Addison turned on her side to face him. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just irritable. Tired. I think everything's just catching up to me. The move, the new job, the hours. It's all just hitting me now that I have some down time, that's all." She placed her hand on the side of his cheek. "I'm sorry I haven't been in a better mood this weekend. I wanted it to be perfect for us and I know it was far from it."

Derek kissed her forehead and replied, "Nothing's perfect, Addison. Just being able to be with you, without being paged every hour, is about as perfect as it gets for me. But, if it's more than just burn out, I want you to tell me."

Addison let her hand drop to his shoulder and buried her head into his chest. He caressed her back in slow, rhythmic motions, until he could feel her breathing steady and he knew she was asleep.

------------------- One Week Later -------------------------

Addison was sitting at her desk in her office at the hospital filling out paperwork and snacking on saltine crackers when someone knocked on her door.

"Come in," she announced.

Matthew entered her office and sat down in the chair across from her desk.

"Hi! I haven't seen you much since the beginning of the week," Addison greeted him.

Mumbling, Matthew replied, "Yeah, it's always busy towards the weekend."

Addison tilted her head to the side and raised an eyebrow. "Isn't busy good?"

Matthew said, "Oh yeah! Busy is good."

Addison smiled and went back to filling out the never-ending paperwork.

"You still haven't told Derek, have you?"

Without looking up from her papers, she responded, "No."

"Why not? You're almost 8 weeks pregnant."

Still, not looking at Matthew, she said, "I have my reasons."

"What are you afraid of?"

This question made Addison raise her head. "I'm not afraid of anything! And stop psychoanalyzing me." She, again, began to write in the blanks on the papers.

"It's my job."

"I'm not a child."

"No, you aren't, but it's what I do. And it's unusual for a woman to not tell her husband she's pregnant unless she's afraid of something."

Addison gave no response to him.

Matthew crossed one leg over the other and rested a hand on the side of his shoe. "So, the dream. Let's talk about that."

Addison glanced up at him, rolled her eyes, and looked back down at the desk.

"The first part is probably all about guilt. You're pregnant now. You were pregnant before. I think you're still harboring guilty feelings about, one, having an affair, and two, terminating your last pregnancy. This guilt manifests itself in your dream by having Derek remind you over and over about what you've done. No doubt you are probably feeling guilty now for not telling him you are pregnant -- even though you _have your reasons_."

"Good work, Sherlock."

Matthew ignored her sarcasm and continued, "Did he not listen to you at some point in your marriage?"

Glancing up again, Addison asked "What?!"

"Derek. Did he ignore you or push your feeling aside?"

Addison's silence following his question was his answer. He could tell that, although she didn't look him in the eye, he had hit a nerve in her. "Because I have a theory on the second part of your dream and that would fit into it."

Addison sighed and said, "Yes, he became absent. I cheated on him and ruined our marriage. There, session's over."

"Hardly, but good try."

Holding her head up so that she could look at Matthew, she asked him, "Don't you have any out-of-control teenagers to counsel? Any ten-year-olds with a mommy complex?"

"Not at the moment."

Addison made a face and went back to her papers. "Lucky me."

"You've told me a lot about your life, but not much about your immediate family. Are your parents alive?"

"Yes," Addison replied without looking up at him.

"Still married?"

"Yes, each with their own careers and lives"

"Do you really have a brother?"

"Yes, an older one. He's a very successful attorney in LA."

Matthew nodded his head and said, "That's a lot to live up to."

Again, Matthew got no response from Addison, so he continued. "Ok, here's my theory now that I know that you were not hatched and left to be raised by wolves."

Addison smiled despite her desire not to.

"I think you had a difficult life growing up. I think--"

Addison interrupted him and looked up. "Oh, I get it. This is the old let's-blame-my-parents-for-every-stupid-decision-I've-made theory."

Matthew sighed. "Not really. Man, you're cynical."

Addison grimaced and went back to her paperwork.

"Anyway, I think there were some high expectations for you coming from your parents. And possibly from your older brother, as well. What's your brother's name?"

"Anthony."

"Ok, good. See, you're playing along. That makes my job easier."

"I'm not your patient."

"So you keep reminding me. I think you became a doctor, not only for the love of medicine, but to prove a point. Maybe your parents never thought that was possible, or, if the did, they never thought what you'd done, education-wise, was good enough. They had high expectations and they never acknowledged when you did well."

Matthew stopped talking; looking for a reaction from Addison. But the only thing he got was that she was no longer filling in the small blanks on the papers in front of her. Instead, she was fiddling with her pen, which proved to him that she was, at the very least, listening to him. "When did you stop speaking to them?"

Addison mumbled her answer. "When I turned 21. I took some of my trust fund money to pay for the rest of college and med school. I never replied to their repeated attempts to contact me. When I married Derek, his family became mine."

Matt nodded and asked her, "And Anthony?"

"He sided with my parents, telling me that I was a spoiled brat and an ungrateful child."

"So you didn't get much praise at home, possibly not much attention either, unless it was in a negative form. You find Derek, a guy who notices you and begins to build your self-esteem because he 'gets' you, and you marry him. Everything's great until he begins to, as you said, become absent. Your self-confidence is, again, shattered, and you turn to your husband's best friend. He's there and he's always put you on that pedestal when you've needed it."

Addison glanced at Matthew and said, irritatingly, "What does all of this have to do with my nightmare?"

"Cynical and impatient. A rough combination."

"Just get to the point. And, remind me in the future, to not spill my life-story to someone I hardly know."

Matthew smirked and continued, "In your dream, your family threatens to take this baby. They specifically call it a 'replacement' child. You are adding on to this side of your family, but you don't feel like you measure up to them. Even after all of these years, and your bazillion degrees, you think they would've preferred a different child than you. Becoming a mother can do that. It can make you reflect on your own upbringing."

Matthew let Addison think about what he said before going on. "Are you afraid you aren't going to measure up as a mother, Addison? Are you afraid that Derek will expect something out of you that you can't give? Are you afraid he'd desert you again?"

Still looking down, Addison wiped her eyes quickly with the back of her hands. She, then, stood up from her chair and faced the window behind her desk. Matt continued to talk to her even though her back was towards him.

"Tell Derek, Addison. Don't shut him out because you are afraid."

Addison whispered, through tears, while still gazing out the window, "It's not just being a mother. I'm afraid I'm not going to get that far. I know the risks of being pregnant at my age. I know all of the things that could happen. I don't want to see his disappointment in me if something goes wrong."

"That's not fair. This is his child too. He should get the chance to experience whatever happens. Even if it's horrible and gut-wrenching, Addison. He deserves to have the chance to feel it."

Addison turned from the window and walked towards her office door. "I have surgeries to scrub in for."

With her hand on the door knob, she waited when she heard Matthew call her name again.

"And Addison -- it's neither a weakness nor a failure to cry in front of someone."

Without looking back, Addison opened the door and left her office.

Matthew stopped by her secretary's desk on his way out. "Hi, Faith."

"Hello, Dr. Freeman."

"Please page me if Dr. Montgomery needs me. I have a feeling she's not going to have an easy day and I want to be around if she wants to chat."

Faith smiled and replied, "I certainly will, sir."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7 Con't.

-------------------- Following the Weekend -------------------------

Addison rolled over in their bed and felt something blocking the place where she wanted to stretch her feet. Straining to open her eyes, she saw a lump on Derek's side of the bed. He had been on-call at the hospital all weekend and she'd never even heard him come home. They had spoken in broken shifts on the phone when he'd had a chance to call her, but over-all; she was on her own all weekend. Sighing, she moved closer to his back, flinging her arm over his shoulder. He murmured a bit and went right back to sleep.

Addison thought back to the weekend where she was content to sleep when she wanted to, eat if she wanted to, and she hadn't needed to lock herself in the bathroom for her early morning sickness routine. She also thought about everything Matthew had told her late the week before. She knew he was right, but with Derek not home, it had been easy to avoid the subject. She pulled her self up a bit to read the clock next to Derek's side of the bed. She wasn't due into the hospital for a few hours and Derek had the day off to compensate for his on-call duties. She hated to wake him, but she wanted to talk to him before she had to go in. Smirking, she thought, _Ok, I want to do more than just talk to him. _

As Addison began rubbing Derek's back through his undershirt, that he hadn't taken off from the day before, Derek shifted a bit and muttered, "Morning."

Between her kisses on his back, she answered him. "Hey." But, before she could say anything else, the pager on the end table next to her side of the bed began to buzz. Resting her head on Derek's side, she mumbled, "Damn."

Rolling off of Derek, Addison sighed. She sat up on the edge of the bed, glancing quickly back at him. He seemed to have already fallen back to sleep. She grabbed the pager from the table and stared at the numbers. _NICU,_ she thought. Taking the pager with her, she grabbed the cordless phone and walked from their bedroom into the hallway, so as not to disturb Derek.

She dialed the number and informed them of who was calling.

"When did it happen?" She listened to the response from the head nurse and then continued, "The Resident is now handling it?" Nodding her head, she continued, "I'll be there within the hour. Call my cell if anything and I mean anything, changes."

Addison turned off the phone and walked back into the bedroom. Derek had turned onto his back and he was rubbing his eyes. "Hospital," he asked her.

As she was gathering some scrubs that she kept at home, she answered him, "Yeah. It's Kendra. She coded, but they have her stable at the moment."

Continuing to rub at his very heavy eyes, he asked her "Isn't she your favorite?"

Addison stopped gathering clothes and said, "I don't have favorites, Derek."

Derek placed his hand on the top of his head and tilted it sideways.

"Ok," Addison admitted. "She's my favorite."

Derek smiled and nodded. "You'd better hurry, but be careful driving."

Addison rushed over to the bed, bent down with her hands full, and quickly gave Derek a kiss. "I will hurry and I will be careful."

--------------------------

Addison pulled the sedan into her designated spot in the hospital garage. As she turned off the ignition, her cell phone rang. Leaning over her briefcase and purse that were sitting on the passenger seat, she winced at the strain she felt in her back. The slight ache of her back had plagued her during the entire ride into the hospital, but stretching to reach for her phone had aggravated that ache. Dismissing her pain, she checked the ID on the screen and saw that it was, again, the NICU. Flipping open the phone, she was determined to find out what had happened. Settling her phone under her chin and grabbing her briefcase and purse, she slid out of the car.

"What happened?"

Addison learned from Dr. Stanley, the Surgical Resident, that Kendra had gone into cardiac arrest for the second time in the last hour. Addison began spouting orders at him.

"I'm on my way inside now. Do not let her die on you."

Addison slammed her car door, closed her phone, and ran through the walkway into the hospital. When she pulled open the large hospital door, she felt the strain return to her back. Again, she ignored it, and continued toward her destination.

Forgoing the elevator, which she deemed slower than molasses, Addison ran toward the double doors leading to the stairwell. She began leaping up the stairs; taking them two at a time. Reaching the third floor, Addison was forced to quit. A pain gripped her lower abdomen so tightly that she immediately stopped running and grabbed the railing for support. Hunched over, she instinctively placed her hand below her stomach and closed her eyes waiting for the cramp to ease. It also gave her a chance to catch her breath that she hadn't realized she had lost until she was forced to slow down.

Once the pain subsided, Addison dashed up the continued two floors to the Pediatric/Neonatal floor. She stopped quickly in her office, noting that her secretary was not yet in for the day. Dropping her phone into her briefcase, she set it and her purse onto her desk. She quickly walked to the door and grabbed her lab coat, with the stethoscope that hung around it, off of the hook on the back of the door. While hurrying to the NICU, she pulled her arms into her coat and kept the stethoscope in her hand hoping she'd have the chance to use it.

Addison was halfway to the nursery when another gripping cramp forced her to slow down. She tried to continue walking through the pain, but eventually, she grabbed the stabilizer bar on the wall to steady herself. Shutting her eyes and wishing the pain away, Addison breathed slowly, stuffing any thoughts of why she was having them to the back of her mind. She had to focus on Kendra now. She told herself she'd take a rest later; after she knew the premature infant was stable.

The pain slowly receded and she continued down the hallway at a jog. She reached the NICU doors, punched in her code, and shoved open the door. Her vision went straight to where she knew Kendra's isolette was placed. What she saw there made her momentarily immobile.

She stood still listening to Dr. Stanley's sobering words. "Time of death, 9:03."

Dr. Stanley saw movement near the doorway and began walking toward Addison, bracing himself for what he was sure would be a lecture.

"How did it happen again," she asked him, stoically.

"I did everything you told me to do, Dr. Montgomery. I did it all. We did CPR for 20 minutes. We pumped her with drugs. We shocked her. We--"

Addison held her hand up signaling for him to stop. She nodded her head and asked him, "Has someone called her parents?"

"Yes, the nurse is doing that now."

"Fine."

Dr. Stanley took that as his cue to back away from her. Addison walked slowly to Kendra's isolette. She watched as the other nurses began pulling out tubes and iv's from her lifeless body. Once they were finished, she placed her hand on the top of Kendra's head, rubbing her small forehead with her thumb. The nurses gathered the medical supplies and left Addison alone with the baby. She heard the other infants' cries and whines, but they seemed like background noise to her. She was used to it and she was also caught up in her thoughts of Kendra.

What seemed like only minutes must have been closer to a half an hour because when Addison broke her focus from the preemie, it was because she heard whispers near the NICU doors. Kendra's parents had arrived. Addison watched while Dr. Stanley gave what she knew as the protocol death spiel. While he was still speaking to and comforting them, Addison looked back down at Kendra. She placed her pinky under the baby's tiny palm. Even though she knew it was impossible, Addison waited for a reflexive grasp that would wind around her finger. None came and Addison suddenly noticed how blue her fingertips and lips were. It was odd that she wouldn't have noticed that sooner, but she shook her head knowing that her emotions of losing a patient took over before her training had.

Dr. Stanley led the parents to Addison and Kendra. Addison pulled her pinky from underneath the baby's hand and gave them a candid apology.

"I'm so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Richland. We did everything we could."

Mrs. Richland nodded as tears ran down her face. Mr. Richland stood behind her wrapping his arms around his wife's waist.

Addison pulled a rocking chair close to the isolette and asked Mrs. Richland to sit down. She did so and her husband stood behind her watching Addison because he hadn't yet looked at his deceased child. He was trying to wait until the last possible moment before he had to accept that she was really gone.

Addison reached under the isolette and grabbed a blanket from the shelf beneath it. She carefully wrapped Kendra in the blanket knowing the warmth of it was futile. Sliding her hands under Kendra's limp body, she lifted the baby out of the incubator and placed her into her mother's arms.

Mrs. Richland peered at her baby for a moment before cradling her to her chest. Mr. Richland comforted his wife, who had begun to openly weep, by rubbing her shoulders and laying his hand on the back of Kendra's head.

Addison stood still, watching the parents grieve. Not wanting to intrude any longer, she began to walk away until Mr. Richland called for her.

"Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison stopped and turned towards them. "Yes?"

"Thank you," he said, sincerely.

Before Addison could respond, several thoughts flashed before her. _Thank you for what? For not getting here in time to save your child? For not keeping my promise to you that she would make it? For somehow falling in love with a baby that's not even mine?_

Mr. Richland saw the confused look on Addison's face and continued. "Thank you for this." He nodded towards his wife. "Thank you for giving us the chance to hold her one last time. For giving us a chance to make a memory with her."

Addison smiled slightly and nodded her head. She then, turned, and walked solemnly out of the NICU.

Slipping into an empty on-call room, she looked forward to the rest it seemed to guarantee. She flopped onto the metal bed with the thin mattress hoping it would give some relief to her still aching back. She closed her eyes and tried to empty her mind. That worked for a total of 5 seconds and then things started creeping back into it. The backache; the cramping; the pregnancy that Derek still had no idea about; Mr. Richland thanking her for what Addison felt like was less than her duties as a doctor; and Matthew and his crazy psycho-babble.

Addison began beating her forehead with her palms. _Stop whining_, she thought. _Just stop it. You have a guy who is giving you a second chance. You have friends in a brand new place. You have a job that you love. You have the baby with the guy you've always wanted to have the baby with._

She quit hitting herself and let her hands drift over her face. Tears started welling in her eyes and she thought, _Then why is everything so hard? _

Before she could continue her thoughts, another shot of pain radiated through her abdomen. This time, it truly took her breath away. She tried lying on her side, curling her legs up towards her chest, but the pain continued. She clenched her eyes shut and tried to focus on breathing through the pain. She tried to relax her muscles knowing this had a good effect on laboring mothers, but it didn't seem to be helping her in this situation. The pain continued and Addison sat up on the edge of the bed. Bending at the waist, she placed her hands where she felt the pain and knew she could no longer ignore what she feared was happening.

------------------------------

On her way back to her office, she saw Matthew at the nurse's station. Hoping to avoid him, she looked at the floor and kept walking.

"Avoiding me?" Matthew hurried to catch up to her.

"Oh! No. I, um, didn't see you."

"I heard you had a rough morning. I'm sorry about your patient." Matthew continued walking beside her down the hallway.

"Yeah. It hasn't been good."

They reached her outer office, said "good morning" to Faith, and entered Addison's office together. Addison stood behind her desk pretending to shuffle the papers that were lying next to her briefcase and purse while Matthew sat down in one of her chairs.

"Did you need something because I'm kind of busy this morning?"

"You were avoiding me," he teased.

She grimaced, placed her hand on her hip, and tilted her head to the side. "I'm not up for another session, Dr. Freeman. Apparently, my insurance won't pay for any more," she retorted sarcastically.

"I'm not here for you. Well, not for you personally. I'm here because I need a consult. I have a 13 year old patient with bulimia who is, I just found out, 11 weeks pregnant."

Addison sighed. "Ok. I'll add her and we can see her together this afternoon."

Matthew nodded and stood up from the chair. "Great."

"I'm sorry--about my--attitude."

Matthew smiled and said, "You've had a very difficult morning. You are excused."

"Thanks."

Focusing on her stomach, he asked "How's the baby?"

Hearing Matthew's question made Addison's heart drop to what felt like her feet.

Mumbling, she replied, "I'm not sure."

Concerned, he walked towards her. "What's wrong?"

Tears began to sting Addison's eyes, but she couldn't answer him. Another shooting pain came rocketing through her stomach. She bent towards her desk, placing her hands down for support, and letting her head droop.

Matthew walked behind her and began to rub her back. "Addison," he said authoritatively. "What's happening?"

Silently crying and trying to get through the pain, Addison just shook her head. She knew what was happening, but she was unable to voice it to him.

Matthew waited until Addison straightened her back to speak again. "I think you should call Derek."

Not saying a word, Addison walked into her bathroom and shut the door. She had recognized the feeling that had released during the last cramp. She was sure she was beginning to bleed.

Once she confirmed it, she changed into another set of underwear, a liner, and scrub bottoms that she kept in the cupboard of her bathroom. Opening the door, she had hoped that Matthew had left her office, but he was there, pacing the floor.

"If you don't call Derek right now, Addison, I will. This is obviously very serious and he needs to know about it," Matthew angrily said when he saw her walk out of the bathroom.

"You're not calling anyone. I'm calling my doctor and you are taking me there."

Addison picked up the desk phone and began to dial her OB's number. She had already seen Dr. Amberly once to confirm her pregnancy a few weeks ago. She informed the secretary of her situation and told them she would be arriving in approximately 20 minutes.

Matthew was surprised to hear the detachment in Addison's voice. Minutes ago, before going into the bathroom, she had been in tears. Now, she spoke like a composed doctor informing her underlings on when the next patient was to arrive.

Addison replaced the receiver, grabbed her purse, and said, "If you don't want to take me, that's fine. I'll call a cab. I'd drive myself, but seeing how these cramps come and go, I don't want to be stuck in traffic with them."

"I'll take you," Matthew replied in a huff.

Addison shook off her lab coat and hung it on the hook, along with the stethoscope that she had habitually hung around her neck at some point in the NICU.

While in Matthew's car, Addison had several more cramps. She tried not to let him know about them, but it was obvious to him because whenever one would begin, she'd instinctively stiffen and look out the window.

Matthew shoved his hand in his front pocket searching for his cell phone while keeping his eyes on the road. Finding it, he withdrew the phone and, without saying a word, offered it to Addison once she took her gaze from the window.

She stared at the phone for a moment before slowly plucking it from his palm. Biting on her bottom lip, she flipped the top open and dialed their home number.

Derek picked up the phone after it had rung a couple of times. "Hello?" He had no idea who it was since he didn't recognize the cellular number on the Caller ID screen.

"Hi, Derek. I'ts me."

"Addison?"

"Yeah, it's me." She turned a bit to look out the window. "I need you to do something for me."

"Ok. Whose phone are you using?"

"It's Matthew's. He's doing me a favor."

Derek grimaced and asked, "What did you need?"

"I'm having some -- uh -- problems. Well, pain, really and I need you to meet me at my doctor's office since I'm not driving there myself. Matthew's taking me there now." Addison clenched her eyes shut trying not to react to the next cramp that was assaulting her stomach.

"Pain?" Surprised, Derek began looking for his car keys while still on the phone with her. "Is it localized? When did it start? Was it sudden?" Grabbing his keys from his dresser, he shoved them in the pocket of his blue jeans. He, then, went downstairs on another search for his wallet. "Is it something you've had before? -- Since when do you have a doctor here in Boston already?"

"Derek, please. Just grab a pen and take down my directions. I'll answer everything later."

Derek stopped searching for his wallet and grabbed a pen from the kitchen counter. He took a napkin from the holder and copied the directions she had given him.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Don't let anyone schedule anything for you until I can get there and see what's wrong."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Derek, I'm sure it's nothing serious. I just want to get it checked out."

"You wouldn't leave the hospital in the middle of the day unless it was pretty bad, Addison. I know you. -- Ok, I'm on my way."

"Thank you. I love you."

Derek mumbled, "I love you too," while rushing to find his wallet so that she could leave the house.

Addison shut the phone closed and laid it on the center console. She laid her head back on the headrest and whispered, "Thank you."

Matthew stared at the road and replied, "You're welcome. I'm glad you called him."

Addison closed her eyes. "You didn't give me much choice. -- Talk to me. Tell me about your childhood, your parents, the last date you went on. I don't care. Anything to take my mind off of imagining Derek's face when he finds out what's happening."

Matthew grinned and began telling her about the horrible date he had had two nights ago. By the end of the story, Addison was giggling and happy for the distraction.

Because of the heavy traffic in the city, they arrived at the doctor's office in 40 minutes instead of the normal 20 minute drive it normally took. Matthew pulled up to the entrance door and stopped the car. "Do you want me to wait with you?"

Addison lifted her purse and opened the car door. "No, thanks. I can take it from here."

Matthew nodded and said, "Let me know how you are doing, later."

Grinning, she slid out of the car, promising him a report later in the day. Taking a deep breath, she closed the car door and walked into the OB/GYN clinic.

Addison signed her name on the attendance log, noting her reason for the visit, and sat down in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room. Glancing at the table next to her, she saw a Baby Talk magazine with the headline of "Are You Ready To Be A Mother" and a picture of a tiny newborn on the cover. She resisted the urge to pick it up.

The inner office door opened slightly and a nurse poked her head out from it.

"Addison Montgomery?"

Addison smiled and stood up. The nurse pushed the door open and allowed her to walk into the exam room area. She pointed to a bathroom and instructed her to give a urine sample.

Before entering the bathroom, Addison asked, "You do know that I'm spotting, correct?"

The nurse looked at her and said, in a condescending tone, "Yes, I understand that. But, we need one to confirm that you are, indeed, still pregnant."

Addison opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it, and entered the bathroom.

------------------

Addison sat on the exam room table waiting for the doctor to return. She had come in, greeted her, and then asked the appropriate questions to assess her situation. Now, Addison was alone while Dr. Amberly went to retrieve the ultrasound machine. As a doctor, Addison knew this was no small task. As soon as she'd go to get something, someone would stop her and request something else. She tried not to be impatient, but it wasn't easy. She was also anxious knowing that Derek should be there at any moment.

A knock on the door disrupted Addison's thought. A phlebotomist walked into the room informing her that he was taking some blood from her to assess her HGC levels. Addison nodded and watched while he attempted to puncture Addison's vein. After a few sticks, he waited while blood poured into the vial. He withdrew the needle and placed a swab of cotton on the area. Addison bent her elbow, pulling her hand close to her shoulder. She was sure that, in a few hours, she'd have a nice purple bruise there.

Again, she was left alone. Still dressed, Addison shifted on the hard exam table and looked around the room. She saw the doctor's various awards and accreditations. She also saw posters of fetuses at various stages of development. Tearing her eyes from the pictures, Addison sighed.

Another knock on the door interrupted her alone time. Addison saw the ultrasound machine enter the room before Dr. Amberly did. She bit down on her bottom lip, knowing that this machine would either give her relief or complete heartache.

As the doctor was setting up the machine, she instructed Addison on what would be happening. Because she had never given the doctor a description of her profession, Dr. Amberly described things in detail even though Addison could've recited every word for her. Addison laid back onto the table barely hearing her words.

As the doctor went to the counter to retrieve the ultrasound gel, a third knock on the door sounded. A nurse poked her head into the room and gave a sheet of paper to Dr. Amberly. The nurse also looked over at Addison and said, "There's someone here to see you. I believe it's your husband."

Addison sat up, ignored the incorrect assessment of their relationship, and replied, "Show him in, please."

Derek came into the exam room looking completely confused. He saw the ultrasound machine first and then he saw Addison sitting on the table. He walked around the machine towards her.

Addison began the introductions to avoid Derek's first question. "This is Derek. My fiancé. Derek, this is Dr. Amberly."

Derek tilted his head at Addison, then turned from her, and shook Dr. Amberly's hand.

"Nice to meet you."

Dr. Amberly replied likewise and said, "Ok, Addison, are you ready?"

Derek moved around to stand between the exam table and the wall to give the doctor better access to Addison.

She slowly laid back, avoiding Derek's deep stare.

Derek took her hand in his and asked her, "What's going on? What's she looking for? Did you have a cyst rupture or something?"

Addison continued to look at the ultrasound machine while she untied her pants with her free hand. The doctor pulled her shirt up, exposing her stomach. She, then, pushed the waistline of Addison's scrub pants down a bit over her hips.

Glancing at the screen that was turned away from Addison and Derek, she asked, again, "Ready?"

Addison nodded and tried to quickly prepare herself for what she'd soon see. Derek looked from the doctor to Addison wondering why she wasn't answering him. "Once I find out that you are ok, we are going to talk about this," he muttered to her.

The doctor held the bottle of ultrasound gel over Addison's stomach. "I'll warn you that it's very cold," she said sweetly.

Addison flinched as the cold gel hit her abdomen. Dr. Amberly placed the transmitter down and began moving it around. Minutes passed, with no sound, except for the keyboard clicks from the doctor's fingers.

Derek was getting impatient. He had no idea what the doctor was looking for and with no input from her, he was close to bursting. "How long does it take to find out if she needs a cyst removed, doctor?"

Addison swiveled her head towards him giving him a nasty glare.

Dr. Amberly wasn't ruffled. She kept her professionalism intact by responding, "It wouldn't take long to find that out. But, we aren't looking for a ruptured cyst. We're searching for a heartbeat."

Derek, shocked, began stuttering. "A heart-? Heart-? A heartbeat? Addison?!"

Dr. Amberly saved Addison from having to respond to Derek by turning the ultrasound machine's screen towards them.

Addison held her breath and frantically searched for some sign of life on the monitor. Dr. Amberly began pointing to the screen, unaware that both Addison and Derek had already recognized the image. Addison closed her eyes and exhaled loudly after she spotted the tiny blinking dot in the center of the screen.

Derek squeezed Addison's hand and said quietly, "A heartbeat."

Addison turned her head towards him, her eyes glassy with newly formed tears, "Yeah, it's a heartbeat."

Dr. Amberly continued describing what the ultrasound was showing them. "The placenta is nicely attached to the uterus. Cervix is still shut. Plenty of amniotic fluid available. That -" she said as she pointed to the monitor, "small peanut-shaped beauty is your baby. And he -- which I use in the most general terms, mind you -- is approximately 19mm long. Perfectly normal size."

She pushed a button on the keyboard and returned the transmitter to its base on the ultrasound machine table. Using a towel, Dr. Amberly wiped the gel from Addison's abdomen. "I want to caution you that although everything looks good at the moment -- and your HGC levels have risen like they should -- a natural termination could still occur. However, with what I've seen today, I suspect that your cramping and spotting is your body's way of adjusting to the pregnancy and missed menstrual cycle. This can happen in an early pregnancy such as yours. So, far," she said smiling in a comforting way, "so good."

Addison pushed her shirt down and retied her scrub pants. Derek placed his hand on her upper back to assist her in sitting up. He, then, asked the doctor, "So what do we do now? Where do we go from here?"

"I need you, Addison, to come back in 72 hours for another HGC level check. At that point, I'm hoping they'll have doubled as they should and they will be as high as they will br for the rest of your pregnancy."

Addison nodded her understanding.

"I also need you to take it easy for the next few days. If, at any time, the cramps or bleeding continue or get worse, go directly to the ER."

Addison again nodded, and said, "Thank you. I will."

Dr. Amberly opened the exam room door and pushed the ultrasound machine out of the room. Once she had shut the door behind her, Derek walked around the exam table to face Addison.

"You're pregnant."

Addison moved her legs off the side of the table to let them dangle over the edge. She folded her hands in her lap and stared at them. "Yes, Derek. I'm pregnant."

Derek ran his fingers through his tousled hair. "How long have you known?"

"A month," Addison mumbled.

"A month," Derek repeated, sighing. He handed Addison her shoes and said, "Put your shoes on. We'll make the next appointment and finish this at home."

---------------

As they were walking to Derek's SUV, he said, "Maybe we should stay in town; closer to the hospital."

When they reached his car, he opened the door for her and she slid into the passenger seat. "If it happens, it won't matter where we are, Derek. Once it starts, it's over," Addison said, gravely.

Derek closed the door and walked around the truck to enter the driver's side. Those three sentences were the only ones spoken between the couple until he was pulling into their driveway. Derek had noticed, during the 45 minute trip, that Addison had cringed and stiffened five times on the way home. He knew that she was in pain during those times, but she never said a word. She got through them without speaking. He had wanted to reach out to her during them, but he wasn't sure what kind of reaction he'd get from her. So, instead of following what he wanted to do, he left her alone. There was also a part of him that was still stewing on the fact that she knew she was pregnant and didn't tell him. The more he thought of it, the more agitated he became. Thus, Addison was left to get through the pain virtually alone.

As he was pulling into the driveway, Addison broke the quiet that had filled the interior of the truck. "Am I going to get the silent treatment for the next seven months?"

Derek turned off the ignition and sat staring at the garage wall. Addison saw his jaw clench, but he said nothing.

"I get that you are angry. You have every right to be. But, I do have my reasons for not telling you. I do-"

Before Addison finished her sentence, Derek had opened his door and gotten out of the SUV. Addison sighed and did the same. Derek unlocked the house door and he followed her into the kitchen. Before she had walked very far, Derek said, "You said Matthew brought you to the clinic."

Addison stopped and turned around to answer him. "Yes, he did."

"Did he know why you needed a doctor?"

She watched him as he moved closer to her stopping just inches away. "Yes."

"He knew you were pregnant?"

"Yes." Addison could see that Derek was becoming more irritated with each answer she gave him. But, at least he was speaking to her now.

"How long has he known?"

Addison hesitated only a second and then quietly replied, "I told him right after I found out."

Derek slammed his palm on the kitchen counter causing Addison to flinch. "Damn it, Addison! This is what we've talked about! I don't care what your reasoning is! You can't continue to --" He stopped mid-sentence when Addison brought her hands up and placed them on his chest.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I was shocked. I didn't expect it. I-"

Derek took her wrists in his hands and pushed them off of him. "Go upstairs. We shouldn't be doing this now. You need to be resting." He released her wrists and she let her arms drop to her sides.

"Derek -- "

"GO!"

Addison took one last look at him; then turned and walked away. She stopped in the foyer long enough to take off her shoes and place them on the mat in front of the closet. She glanced towards the kitchen, but Derek had walked out of her line of vision. Sighing, she began going upstairs to their bedroom, having to stop only once when another cramp pinched inside her stomach. She stood still through the pain and when it subsided, she continued up the steps.

Once she reached their bedroom, she flopped on the ground. She sat with her back against the footboard of their bed and pulled her knees to her chest. After wrapping her arms around her legs, she let her head drop and rest on them. The weight of the day had finally taken its toll on her emotions. Addison squeezed her arms together, hugging herself, and began to sob.

Derek paced the kitchen after Addison had left. He wondered if she had even gotten to eat anything all day. He hadn't asked her about Kendra either. Feeling badly for his blow up, he opened the fridge and took out some items to make her a sandwich. After that was done, he filled a glass with ice water. He placed the plate with the turkey sandwich and the glass of water onto a tray and headed up the stairs to their bedroom.

Before he reached the room, he could hear her. He stopped in the hallway and just listened to her cry for a few minutes. Although, it tore at his heart to know she was crying over him, he wanted her to have a chance to release it. Once he heard her sniffing loudly, he entered their bedroom. He set the tray on the top of her dresser and sat down next to her. Without saying anything, he draped his arm around the back of her shoulders and pulled her to him. She began crying again and he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

He let her continue to weep for a few more minutes and then watched as she sat up sniffling. She wiped at her eyes smearing the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. Derek took one of her hands in his and said, "I brought you a sandwich. Are you hungry?"

Addison smiled slightly and said, "Not really."

"You should eat." He let go of her hand, stood up and retrieved the plate from the tray. As he was bringing it back to her, he asked, "What happened this morning -- with Kendra?"

Addison sniffed again and took a deep breath. "She was gone when I got there. I didn't make it in time."

He handed her part of the sandwich and replied, "Oh, God, I'm sorry."

Addison took a bite, but she felt the familiar nausea return as she began chewing. She put the rest of the sandwich back on the plate. "I had to stop so many times on the way to the NICU. I kept cramping and the more I ran, the worse it got. If I hadn't of stopped so many times, maybe --"

Derek tilted his head. "Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. She was a sick infant, Addie."

"I know. I just -- I just keep thinking I could've done more if I had gotten there sooner."

Derek picked the plate off of the floor, stood up, and held his hand out so that she could grab it. She took it and pulled herself from the ground.

"You need some rest. Try to eat some more and then take a nap or something."

Derek pulled back the covers on the bed and Addison climbed inside of them. "I need to call the hospital soon. I'll need to tell them I need a few days off."

"Fine. Call them and then rest."

Derek walked to her dresser and grabbed the glass of water. He set the glass and the plate on the end table next to her side of the bed. He handed her the phone. "This conversation -- the one from the kitchen? It's not over. It's merely postponed."

Addison took the phone from his hand and nodded her head. "I get it."

Derek smiled at her and kissed her forehead. "Rest! I'll be in my office if you need something."

Addison grinned and replied, "I promise I will rest. At least for this afternoon."

Derek shook his head and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Feeding New Life

-------------The Next Morning -------------

Addison walked into the kitchen rubbing her eyes. Derek was putting his breakfast dishes into the dishwasher. He looked up, grinned at her, and said, "You look like hell."

Addison plopped down on a chair at the kitchen table and replied, "Thanks."

"Why are you up so early? I told you I was going into the office for a little while this morning, but I was hoping you'd sleep in."

Addison pushed her hair out of her face and said, "I slept too much yesterday, I think."

Derek leaned back onto the counter. "You look a little pale."

"Vomiting does that to me."

Derek chuckled. "Ahh, a good sign, indeed. Any more cramping?"

Addison shook her head. "It seems to have stopped."

Derek grinned. "Great news. So, I would assume that you have a due date -- something else you've chosen to withhold from me."

Addison sighed. "Yes, we have a due date."

Derek looked at her expectantly. When she didn't answer he asked her, "Are you going to fill me in or should I just guess?"

Addison grabbed the newspaper that Derek had left on the table. She pretended to read it while answering him. "March 23rd."

Derek stared at her. "March--23rd?"

Addison nodded.

Derek laughed sarcastically and said, "Mark's birthday?"

Addison grimaced. "Yeah, Mark's birthday. Cosmic, isn't it?"

"We'll have you induced earlier."

Addison tore her eyes from the newspaper and said, "Oh, gee, Derek, thanks for taking me into consideration when planning a time to yank this baby out of me."

"You should be induced anyway."

Addison tilted her head. "Why? Because I'm old?"

Derek laughed. "No! Because I'm not sure if I could live with you if you went past 40 weeks."

Addison smirked. "Very funny."

Derek pushed himself from the counter and walked over to her. He nudged her chair back, opened her knees and squatted between them. Laying a hand on her stomach, he began talking to it. "Hey, there, nineteen--"

"Nineteen?" Addison interrupted.

Derek glanced up at her and said, "Well, I hate when people call their baby 'it' and I can't say he or she yet, so -- nineteen it is."

Smiling, she replied, "The baby _will_ grow, you know."

He smiled back at her and said, "I hope so." He looked back down at Addison's stomach and continued. "Here's some advice for you. Your mom can be a major pain in the a$-"

"Hey!" Addison smacked the top of Derek's head.

Derek chuckled and said, to the baby, "Like I was saying, she's a major pain in the a$$ -- and a bit abusive--but she's also incredibly intelligent, amazingly compassionate, and although she complains a lot, she loves you and doesn't want you to go anywhere."

Derek glanced at Addison and she raised an eyebrow. "Ok, she hasn't said that, but I can tell. I know her. So, here's the thing. Listen to her. Do whatever she tells you to. That's my best advice. And stay where you are. I've been close to that spot a few times and I know it's pretty nice in there."

"Derek!" Addison said while laughing.

Derek chuckled in response. He removed his hand and gently kissed her stomach through her night shirt. Rising, he placed his lips onto hers and tangled his fingers in her hair. Breaking the kiss, he stood up and walked back to the kitchen counter. He grabbed his briefcase and walked towards the door to the garage.

"I'll be gone for a few hours, but I will check on you. You'd better be resting and very near a phone! Oh, and I'm still mad at you."

Addison saluted him and watched him walk out the door. She looked down at her stomach, placed her hand where Derek's was only a few minutes before, and knew he was right. Her fear of losing this baby had paralyzed her to not tell Derek, but she wanted this baby. She had always wanted _his_ baby.

The doctor's office

Addison and Derek were waiting on the blood results from her HGC test. Addison, with a drape wrapped over her lower half, sat up on the exam table drumming her fingers on her thighs.

"Stop it. That's making me more nervous," Derek said while he laid his hand over hers. Looking at her finger where only the engagement ring laid, he mentioned, "Hmmm, looks a little bare. I guess this means we need to get married soon, right?"

Addison glared at him. "You know that I tap when I'm nervous. And yes, we'll be moving the wedding up a bit."

Derek removed his hand from hers and began to pace the room. "Maybe we should file after we're done here. While we're in town."

Addison agreed, flatly, "Sure, that sounds great."

Derek turned towards her and cocked his head. "What's wrong? You've been surly since I came home from the office 2 days ago."

She sighed and replied, "I'm just waiting, that's all."

"I'm sure the baby's fine. You've had no pain or bleeding since the last time we were here."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then, what are you waiting for?"

Addison was about to speak when they heard a knock on the door. Dr. Amberly appeared and Derek stepped behind the exam table.

"Good morning!"

Addison and Derek mumbled their greetings.

The doctor placed Addison's chart on the counter and began to wash her hands. "We have good news." She dried her hands and continued, "Your HGC levels are right where they should be. They have doubled, again, since you were here last and they are in the normal range for your gestational week."

Addison smiled politely and nodded.

"I'll take a quick peek to make sure everything looks good and then I think we can go back to a regular visit schedule. Lay back and we'll take a listen to the heartbeat first."

Addison gently laid herself back onto the table. She pulled her shirt up, revealing her bare stomach. The doctor placed her stethoscope onto her abdomen. Listening for a moment, she smiled and said, "There it is. Next visit, we'll let you take a listen as well." She removed the stethoscope and said, "It sounds great. Very fast and very strong." Addison didn't ask for an exact number. She was just relieved to hear that it was still there.

While Dr. Amberly arranged her mobile table and slid her gloves on, Addison pushed her shirt back down over her stomach. Derek reached out and placed his hand on her forehead. Addison shut her eyes and felt the doctor placing her legs into the stirrups.

After a few minutes, the doctor patted Addison's leg and said, "Looks good. Cervix is still closed and your bleeding has definitely stopped. You can sit up now."

Addison removed her legs from the uncomfortable stirrups. She pushed Derek's hand off of her head and used the table to help her sit up.

Dr. Amberly began going over the next visit and said, "You may go ahead and resume a normal life for now. But, try to take it a little bit easy."

Derek mumbled, "You don't know her that well."

The doctor laughed and said, "Addison? Will you at least try to remember that you are sustaining another life and that little one sometimes needs you to slow down so he or she can grow properly?"

Addison opened her mouth to speak, but Derek interrupted her, "Addie knows that. She's a doctor. She's a neonatal surgeon."

Addison's mouth shut. She shut her eyes momentarily.

"Oh! I'm sorry. You must think I'm treating you like a child."

Addison smiled. "Not at all." Glancing at Derek, who had walked around to the front of the table, "I just wanted to be treated like a regular patient. I wanted to hear everything. It's different when you're the one on the table."

Dr. Amberly agreed, and said, "I understand. Doctors are the worst patients, right?"

Addison and Derek chuckled politely.

"Ok, Addison. I'll see you in about 3 weeks and proceed from there. Please let me know if there's anything else that should come up before then." Before leaving the room, she looked at Addison again and said, "Oh gosh. I just figured out who you are. You used to practice in New York, right?"

Addison nodded her head.

"I've read articles about you. Wow. You'd think with a name that isn't that common, I would've figured it out sooner. I'm sorry! It's a pleasure to get to know you. Now, I'll be a little more nervous when I'm taking care of you and your baby," Dr. Amberly teased.

"Oh, please. Don't be. I'm just another patient."

The doctor nodded, said goodbye to them both, and left the room. As soon as she closed the door, Addison let Derek have it.

"Why did you just do that? Why did you answer for me?"

"I'm sorry! I didn't know that you didn't tell her. But, seeing how that's how you've been lately, I should've figured that out."

"Don't throw that in my face."

"We're not done with that original conversation."

Addison replied, running one sentence into the next. "I understand that and that's what I was talking about. I am waiting for you to start yelling. I'm waiting for you to start telling me how foolish I was to think that hiding it from you was the better option. I'm just waiting for the yelling. And I can't wait any more. I just need you to do. Get it over with. Rip the stitches." Taking a breath, she asked him, "Can you hand me my underwear please?"

"No."

Addison looked at him, surprised. "No?"

"No. I'm holding it hostage until you get this all out. Now."

"Oh,Jesus." Addison, while trying to hold the drape up to cover herself, jumped off of the table. "I can get it myself."

Derek moved in front of the door to the small locker where Addison had hung her panties and slacks.

"You're seriously not going to let me have my clothes?"

Derek didn't move. "No."

Addison backed herself to the exam table. "This is ridiculous."

Derek leaned his back against the locker door and said, "Go. Start talking."

"_You_ start talking!"

"Fine. What the h.ell is wrong with you?"

"Me?? There's nothing wrong with me, except for the fact that soon, I'm going to be insanely huge while performing surgeries on tiny infants. I have to figure out how this baby fits into our current screwed-up situation. We've been back together, for what, a little over a month, and we are having a baby? That's a little screwed-up. And although this baby means the world to me, I have no idea what he or she means to you."

Derek opened his mouth, but Addison continued, "And I know you are going to say something about me not knowing how you feel because I didn't tell you about it. I get that. But, you've been so d.amn nice to me for the past few days and I can't take it. It's wonderful, but I can't take it. Because I know you are waiting to blow up at me. And although I'd take that over you being absent any day, it's still hard to hear. It's like a time bomb ticking in my head. I know what having children mean to you, Derek. I know you love your big family. I want that for us. I do. But, I don't know if I'm cut out for it. And I don't know if you'll feel the same about me if it doesn't happen. So, I just need you to yell. I need you to get it all out so I can figure out what to do next."

Derek stayed silent waiting to see if she was finished. "Are you cold?"

"What?!"

"You look cold." He moved away from the locker and opened its door. Pulling out her clothes, he handed them to her.

Addison grabbed them, turned toward the exam table, and put them on. When she was finished, she turned back towards him, and mumbled, "Thank you."

Derek nodded. "Let's go get the marriage license."

Addison watched him warily, "That's it? No other response from you? No yelling?"

"Addie, I wouldn't yell at you in a doctor's office. Besides, I think I've heard enough answers to skip the yelling."

Addison's Office One Week Later

Addison and Matthew were sitting in her office going over the pregnant, bulimic patient's chart. Now that she was back to work, Addison was looking forward to working directly with him on this patient's progress. The girl had been re-admitted after a weekend of binging and purging that had left her and the baby dangerously dehydrated.

While looking over Brittany's chart, Addison said, "We have fourteen days. How do I plan a wedding in that amount of time?

Matthew laid his feet on the top of Addison's desk. "What kind of wedding do you want?"

Addison looked up from the chart and said, "A small one. But Derek's idea of small includes his 4 sisters, his mother, and all 100 of his nieces and nephews."

"100?"

"Ok, a small exaggeration. What do _I_ want? I want Derek, with you and Rachel, Derek's partner, as witnesses. That's it. I've done the big wedding thing. I do _not_ want to go through that again."

"You should include his family."

"Why do you always take his side?"

"I don't. -- By the way, how's the baby?"

"Fine, thank you. I go back in two weeks for another check up. How's your dating life?"

Matt chuckled and replied, "Touché. I'm going out with a librarian this Friday night. I'll let you know how it goes. Inviting _your_ family?"

"No. Where are you taking her?"

"You should. Maybe it would help to heal some things. Just offer them an invitation. Dinner and a movie."

"How original. It will heal nothing. My mother would freak if she found out about the baby. It makes no difference that Derek and I were married for twelve years. If I'm pregnant and getting hitched after that fact -- I'm just another disappointment."

"What's wrong with dinner and a movie? How about just inviting Anthony, then?"

"Nothing's wrong with it. Just a little boring, that's all. But, then again, she _is_ a librarian. Anthony doesn't need to know anything else about my life. He chose to give up those rights a long time ago."

"Don't diss my date!" Matthew glanced at his watch and lowered his feet from her desk. "Ok, time's up. We need to actually perform some doctoral duties together now."

Addison stood up from her chair, closed the chart, and grabbed it off of the desk. She walked around it towards the door, grabbing her lab coat before leaving. "Thanks for the consult, doc. Now, let's see if we can help this poor girl overcome her fear of eating so her baby has a chance at survival."

Matthew walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Great idea. And thanks for wanting me in your wedding."

Addison smiled and replied, "I wouldn't want it any other way."

------------Later that evening ----------------

Addison and Derek were in their bed relaxing for a bit, while watching television, when Derek decided to continue a conversation they had started during dinner.

"He's _not_ going to be in our wedding."

Addison looked away from the crime scene on the screen and furrowed her eyebrows. "Why not?! I thought we were done with this. He's been a good friend to me at the hospital."

"That's great, but he doesn't need to witness our wedding. We can have my sisters do that. Or -- someone else."

"You're being petty, Derek. I don't know anything about Rachel, but I wouldn't mind having her watch us get married."

Derek continued to talk to her, but kept his eyes on the television screen. "Rachel doesn't know about our entire lives. _She_ wasn't the first person who found out you were pregnant." Addison flinched at the obvious dig towards her. "Heck, she wasn't even the first person I told--"

"You told someone?!"

Derek peeled his eyes from the tv and looked at Addison. "Nancy called the other day. I let it slip."

"You let it slip?? Derek, 'oh-by-the-way-Addison's-pregnant' doesn't just slip out. I thought we agreed to wait until I was past twelve weeks along?"

Derek ran a hand through his hair and replied, "We did. But, she always gets me to say stuff without me knowing that I'm saying it."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Ok, so now your entire family -- and maybe half of New York -- knows about the baby."

"Probably," Derek muttered, sheepishly. He lifted the covers from the bed and scooted closer to her. "I'm sorry. I'm just incredibly happy about this baby."

Addison sighed and felt her anger melting away. "Then put the jealousy aside and allow me to pick who I want to be in this wedding."

Derek began to kiss her shoulders. Between kisses, he mumbled, "I can't help but be jealous."

Addison smiled and turned towards him.

Derek began pushing her silk nightshirt up above her chest. He looked directly into her blue eyes and whispered, "We can do this, right?"

Addison let her fingers entangle themselves in his hair and she quietly replied, "Yeah, we can do this."

Derek grinned and continued to softly kiss her neck, stopping for a moment to nibble on her earlobe. Addison giggled and raised her head. "You know that tickles."

Derek gazed at her and replied, "That's the point. Relax."

Addison smiled, fell back onto the mattress, and allowed her head to make a small dent in the pillow.

Derek let his lips graze over her chest between her breasts, barely touching her skin. He continued lower over her abdomen, stopping for a second to lay his hand there. Using his fingers, he rubbed her soft belly, imagining he could feel the new life within her.

Lingering a bit, Addison interrupted his thoughts. "Derek --"

Looking up at her, he said, "I told you to relax."

"I can't speak?"

"No."

Addison laughed and raised her arms over her head resting them against the headboard.

Derek began using his teeth to remove her panties. Addison raised her hips and called out when Derek gently bit her thigh while lowering her underwear. "Hey!"

Derek chuckled and reminded her of his rule. "Shhh. I told you not to speak."

"Then don't bite me," Addison said, while still smiling.

"Just be quiet."

Derek raised himself over top of her and began pulling off his boxers. He leaned down and placed his lips directly onto hers. Whispering, he asked her, "Are you sure this is ok? It's not too soon?"

Addison smiled sweetly and replied, "Nineteen's fine."

Derek let his head fall between Addison's face and her shoulder. She pulled her arms up and wrapped them around his back. Derek opened her legs using his own and slowly penetrated her. They quickly fell into a familiar rhythm. Not wanting to hurt her, and still worrying about the baby, Derek gently made love to her. It was a slow and peaceful lovemaking. There was no urgency on either of their parts. They both wanted the intimacy of being together, uninhibited, to last as long as possible.

Derek felt Addison tense and he knew she was close to climaxing. Slowing down, Derek placed his cheek on her chest so he could feel her body shudder. When she did, he couldn't hold out any longer. He allowed himself to let go.

After their double tremors ceased, Derek moved onto the mattress next to her. He grabbed her hand and laid it on his chest. After catching his breath, he glanced towards her without turning his head. "You're glowing."

"It's the sex," Addison replied, grinning.

"It's the baby," Derek countered.

"Maybe it's both."

----------------------Addison's Office -----------------

Addison had come into the hospital early this morning. She had finished two surgeries and was completing those charts when her secretary interrupted her thoughts.

"Dr. Montgomery, there's a Margaret on the phone for you. She said you would know her."

Addison closed her eyes and felt her stomach tie into knots. Her mind ran through a hundred excuses for not answering this call, but she knew she could only run for so long. Swallowing quickly, she replied, "Thank you, please put her through."

Addison picked up the handset and pushed the blinking line button. "Dr. Montgomery."

"Oh, Addison, are such formalities really necessary?"

"What do you want, mother?"

Margaret let out a purposeful sigh, a silent admonishment for her daughter. "I wanted to let you know that, although, you've chosen to write us off, your father and I do still care about you. We hear that you are getting re-married very soon. I would hope that you would remember your manners and invite your family for this occasion."

Keeping her voice level, Addison replied, "How do you know anything that is going on in my life?"

"We keep track. Like it or not, we are still your parents. And -- Mrs. Shepherd called to let us know. She was very excited to hear that you were expecting. I guess that's also something that you've chosen to keep to yourself."

Addison placed her elbows on the desk and laid her forehead in her palms. "We weren't telling anyone just yet. Derek let it slip."

"Well, I can certainly see why you were embarrassed to tell people, seeing as how you aren't legally back together yet."

Exasperated, Addison said, "We aren't embarrassed. It's complicated."

"It always is with you, dear. Actually, you should be very thankful that he's taking you back. What with everything that happened. Luckily, I was able to tell a few little white lies to our friends so no one knew a thing."

Addison mumbled, "Yeah, luckily."

Margaret continued, ignoring Addison's smart comment. "I assume you still know where we live? I'll expect an invitation."

"Actually, it's just a small ceremony, so we aren't -- "

Her mother interrupted her by saying, "It's not that small if the Shepherds are invited."

Addison used one of her hands to rub at her eyes. "We're still planning things."

"You don't have much time, do you?"

"Mother, I need to go. I have little lives to save. Thank you for calling."

"Fine. You go, but don't think that this is the end of things. You are now carrying a Montgomery heir. You will no longer ignore this side of your life." Margaret ended the call by saying, as if this was the most pleasant call in the world, "Have a good day."

Addison muttered her reply. "Thank you. You too."

She returned the handset to the phone and laid a hand on her stomach. She felt the familiar feeling of nausea return. Standing up, she stood still for a moment, hoping her stomach would settle. _God, 18 years of no contact and now she's got me trapped._ Noticing that this wasn't working, she rushed into her bathroom. Crouching next to the toilet, she retched for the next few minutes.

---------Derek's Office ---------------------

Derek was sitting in his chair with his elbows resting on top of his large mahogany desk. "Calm down," he told her.

"Calm down?! Calm down?!" Addison exclaimed, while pacing the floor of his office. "Before coming here -- Derek -- I spent ten minutes vomiting in my office bathroom!" Addison stopped walking for a moment and muttered, "And _you _want me to _calm down_."

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "Getting upset isn't good for the baby."

Addison moved directly opposite of Derek, placed her palms on his desk, and leaned towards him. "Neither is having a btch for a grandma."

Derek watched Addison stand straight up and begin to pace again. "_Your_ mother called _my_ mother! Why, Derek? Why would she do that?"

She paused for a second and shot a look at Derek, who shrugged his shoulders. Continuing to walk and talk, Addison said, "I don't know either. She knows about my family. She's known, since the beginning of you and I, that I don't speak to them. So, why would she call them??"

Noticing her pause to breathe, Derek quietly said, "Maybe she's just excited about the baby."

Addison stopped walking and looked at him. "Well, that is_ fan-tas-tic_. But, maybe, just maybe, she would've stopped to remember the dysfunction of my immediate family, and held off on sharing the joy," she said, sarcastically.

Suddenly, a satisfied look appeared on her face. Derek looked at her warily, wondering what was going to be spewing out of her mouth with a look like that.

"Ok, here's what we are going to do."

Derek raised his eyebrows at her.

"We're going to cancel the wedding."

"What?!" Derek blurted out.

Addison, while talking and using her hands at the same time, replied, "Wait! Hear me out."

Derek leaned back in his chair waiting for this sudden revelation to continue.

"We're going to cancel the wedding. For now. Then, after the baby is born -- or shortly before -- or whatever -- we will secretly get married. With no family. Just you and me. Bam!" Derek blinked rapidly. "We're married," Addison continued, barely stopping for air. "And we'll tell them after the fact. See? No arguing. No crazy family fights. Just a quiet Montgomery-Shepherd wedding. No drama."

Derek decided that he'd heard enough of her flipping out. Standing up, he walked over to her. Addison immediately put her hands up to keep some distance from him. "Oh no," she said. "You are _not_ going to solve this with a Derek pout and a hug. I am _not_ going there."

He wrapped his fingers around her wrists and pulled her to him so that her hands lay on his chest. She could feel the rhythmic beating of his heart under his palms.

Derek began, in a serene voice, "I booked the church for the wedding, and the restaurant for the reception, this morning. We _are_ getting married next week. I don't care if our families cause a volcanic eruption that brings the church to the ground, because, Addison, we _will_ get married. And after everything clears, you and I will be the last two standing. I'm _not_ going anywhere. I'm _not_ hiding from anyone. And I'm _not_ postponing our wedding day."

He placed a hand behind her head, allowing his fingers to entangle in her hair. He, then, lowered his head and placed his lips on her forehead. Leaving a slow kiss there, he pulled her towards him. She sighed while resting her cheek on his shoulder. Derek encircled her back with his arms, tightened his grip on her.

After a few minutes of their silent hug, he grasped her shoulders and gently pushed her away from him. She brushed away the few tears that had threatened to escape during their embrace.

Derek picked up Addison's purse from the chair in front of his desk. "Go and feed Nineteen before your next surgery. He -- or she -- must think you are an Indian-giver."

Addison sniffed quickly, smirked, and took her purse from his fingers. "Thank you," she whispered.

They kissed, chastely, and Derek told her he would see her at home later that evening. Addison went to open his office door and was surprised when Rachel opened the door before she did.

Rachel awkwardly let go of the door handle and said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know --. I didn't realize Derek had anyone --. I mean --."

Addison smiled politely and replied, "It's ok. We're finished. I was just leaving. Good to see you, Rachel."

As Addison walked past her and out of the doorway, Rachel muttered, "You too."

Rachel shut the door behind her. "I'm sorry, Derek. I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

Derek grinned. "Not at all. Just the normal life of living with a fiery, red-headed, hormone-filled fiancée."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

-----------At Home-----------

Addison had made dinner, ate dinner, and cleaned up dinner. Alone. She had expected Derek would be home for dinner that night, but he wasn't there. After wiping the kitchen table clean, she took her glass of wine into the family room to relax. She plopped down onto the pristine, off-white couch, resting her legs on the ottoman in front of it.

When she had returned home from the hospital, Addison had showered and dressed in a pair of old grey cut-offs and one of Derek's college t-shirts. She always felt the most comfortable in his older shirts. They were well worn and his smell was permanently embedded in them.

She set her wine glass on the end table next to her and picked up the text book that she had left lying there last night. She was reading as much information on teenage bulimia as she could. Brittany had been released a few days ago on her parents' watch, but Addison was worried that she'd be re-admitted for more dehydration soon. Although the baby was her primary responsibility, she wanted to learn more about the disease that Brittany was already inflicted with before becoming pregnant.

She was so engrossed in the chapter, that she hadn't heard the side garage door open until it slammed shut and Derek entered the kitchen. Looking up from her book, she watched as Derek kicked off his shoes and dropped his briefcase by the door. His actions weren't lost on her. Derek hadn't had a good evening.

"Hey," Addison said.

Derek looked into the family room and mumbled his hello. No apology was given for being late, but Addison had figured it was some type of emergency.

Removing her glasses and setting them next to the wine glass, Addison said, "I left you some dinner on a plate in the fridge. Do you want me to heat it up?"

Derek shook his head. "I'll do it."

A few minutes later, Derek walked into the family room and sat down next to Addison with a plate of hot food. He picked up the remote control and turned on the television. Without looking towards her, he asked, "Drinking?"

Addison furrowed her eyebrows and glanced at her wine glass. "It's just a little wine. It's fine. -- What's wrong with you?"

Derek stopped between bites and replied, "Just a bad night. An old patient of Rachel's had to be direct admitted and ended up needing emergency surgery. I decided to take it and let her go home. I want to work as much as I can now so I can take some time off when the baby's here."

Addison smiled slightly. "Ok." She went back to reading her book and Derek continued flipping channels while eating his re-heated dinner.

Soon, Addison grew tired and closed her book. Derek had finished eating and was just lying back against the couch watching a baseball game. Although she knew he was in a foul mood, she needed to talk to him about having to go to her check up alone.

"I had my 12 week OB appointment late this afternoon. You didn't show. I was hoping you'd be there."

Derek looked towards her. "That was today? I completely forgot. Things got crazy after you left my office."

Addison nodded. "Ok.-- It went fine. You really didn't need to be there anyway. Nothing too interesting. Everything's fine." Addison stood up from the couch and grabbed her wine glass. "Just fine."

Derek was back to watching the ball game. "Good. What was the heart rate?"

"Derek, can you at least look at me when you ask me a question?"

Derek raised his head so their eyes met. "What was the heart rate?"

"158 bpm"

"Good."

"Yeah, it's good. I got to hear it this time with the Doppler. Actually, I'm proud of myself for not cheating and trying to listen to it earlier."

Derek grinned despite his nasty mood. "And I presume Nineteen needs a name change?"

"5.6 cm. Not a great name, Derek."

"Huh, yeah, I'll stick with Nineteen."

Derek picked up the remote control and began channel surfing again. Addison took it as a sign that their conversation was over. She walked into the kitchen and placed her wine glass in the dish washer. She gave a quick wipe to the microwave where Derek had re-heated his dinner. Once she felt the kitchen was spotless again, she headed back towards the family room. Standing just inside the doorway, she leaned against the frame, watching Derek stare at the tv. She knew he was crabby from the late evening, but she still wondered if there was more to his mood than what he was telling her.

"Does she always just walk into your office unannounced?"

Derek drug his eyes away from the screen to look at Addison. "What? Who?"

"Rachel. Does she always just walk right into your office?"

Derek shrugged. "I guess. I don't know. I never noticed."

"What if you were with a patient?"

"She probably checked the appointment book first and saw I wasn't scheduled with anyone."

Addison nodded, but was not totally convinced. She turned to go upstairs and then stopped and swiveled back towards the family room. "Are we ok?"

Derek sighed. "We're fine. Don't make a big deal out of this. You had a freak out moment today. I had a long, tiring evening. Let's just let this day end."

"Ok. -- I guess I'll go to bed. -- Are you coming?"

"Later. I need some down time first."

Addison nodded and sadly climbed the steps to their bedroom alone.

The next morning, Addison awoke to Derek stroking her thigh. She smiled while keeping her eyes closed, enjoying her semi-conscious state. Derek scooted closer to her when he didn't feel her tense against his touch. After twelve years, Derek knew when the Heisman was coming. First, her body would tense. Then, she would pull her legs up against her chest. And finally, he'd get the dreaded, "Not now, Derek." Fortunately for him, she rarely refused him.

Addison pulled her arm out from under the covers and held her index finger up towards him. "Hold that thought." She pushed back the covers and began to climb out of their bed.

Derek buried his head against her pillow and mumbled, "Kinda late for birth control, Addie."

As she headed for the bathroom, she turned towards him and replied, "Har har. Not funny."

A moment later, Addison began her morning routine of dumping any and all contents left in her stomach into the toilet. Generally, there wasn't much left and the retching quickly turned to dry heaving. She paused and pulled her head up to rest. As she did, she saw Derek leaning against the bathroom door jam.

"Does this happen every morning?"

Addison let go of the hair she had been holding back and replied, "Pretty much."

"Are you finished?"

"I don't know yet."

When Addison instinctively grabbed her hair again, Derek swiftly walked into the bathroom. He knelt down behind her and took her hair in his fingers so she could use both hands to steady herself against the toilet. With his other hand, Derek slowly rubbed her back while she went back to fiercely vomiting.

When he felt Addison push against him, he knew she was finished. He let his hands drop, but pulled her towards him so that her back could rest against his chest.

"I guess I wasn't finished."

"I guess not. I thought this was supposed to end by the second trimester."

"If our baby was a textbook baby that would be true. But, he or she, is a you-and-me baby. Enough said."

Derek chuckled and reached around to clasp his fingers in hers. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"You ok to get up now?"

Addison let go of Derek's hands and started to push herself up. Derek got up and stood in front of her. He held his hands out for her to grab. She did so and said, "Ahhh, chivalry isn't dead."

Derek laughed. "Well, I _am_ McDreamy."

Addison rolled her eyes and replied, "Oh, you are _so_ _not_ McDreamy."

Derek feigned surprise. "How can you say that?"

"Would you really like me to start listing things?"

Derek smiled and kissed her cheek. "We don't have that kind of time. Why don't you take a quick shower and I'll get you some juice and crackers."

Addison leaned in and kissed Derek's check back. She smiled mischievously. "Sounds great. Then, when I'm clean and fed, you can make me dirty again."

"I'll look forward to it."

Addison poked her head into Derek's office after taking her second shower of the morning.

"I'm leaving," she told him. "To shop. Need anything?"

Derek turned away from the computer screen and towards her. "Nope, don't think so," he replied. "The wedding's in a week. You shopping for a dress?"

"Yes. Wish me luck. I haven't done this for awhile."

"You could just pull out that one you wore last time," Derek teased.

Addison smirked. "Hmmmm, a little too 90s. I'm going for the 21st century maternity-wedding-wear look this time."

Derek chuckled. "And you will look amazing in it."

Addison smiled. "How's the tux shopping coming?"

"Done. And I sent the invitations out last week. The catering is ordered. The band and photographer - all booked."

Addison walked towards Derek swinging her bag back and forth. "The invitations? You sent them to my family?"

"On their request."

Addison stopped in front of him. He scooted his chair back a bit to avoid the whack from her bag.

"I wish you wouldn't have. And I really wish we could just get married without all of _that_. No invitations. No band. No caterer."

"I know. But, it is what it is. Face your family, Addie. Then, we can go back to _us_." Reaching out, he placed his palm on her stomach. "And Nineteen."

Addison pouted. "I don't _want_ to see them."

"I know that. I know how you feel about them. And it's warranted, but sweetie, it's just _one_ day. You'll be fine."

Addison removed Derek's hand from her abdomen. She sighed and said, "You're right, Derek. I _will_ be fine." She turned and walked towards the office room doorway. Before leaving, she added, sarcastically, "Thanks for all of the support."

"Addison! I didn't mean to sound….."

Addison interrupted him. "No, it's fine. Really. I'm - fine - with it. I'll be home later."

--------------------Sitting in her sedan----------------------------

Addison leaned the comfortable bucket seat back so she could recline while talking on her cell phone. She ran a hand through her hair while continuing her conversation.

"Seriously, Callie, I'm sitting in my car in the bridal shop parking lot. Talking to your voice mail. I miss you. Why don't I want to just run into that store and start trying on gowns? This whole wedding thing is stressing me out. As much as I love Derek, I want to strangle him for planning this freak show wedding. God, Callie. We are sophisticated surgeons, right? We are above a big, crazy second wedding. And I don't even want to see my parents. I think I'm starting to show and I can only imagine what I will look like in a form-fitting gown. Ivory. It's got to be ivory for obvious reasons. I mean maybe if the whole Mark thing hadn't happened, I could get away with white since I'm remarrying my first husband, but Brownstone sex kind of ruined that idea. So, ivory it is. Which is fine because white would just show the baby bump more." Addison paused when she heard Callie's voice mail beep, rendering her call over. Addison sighed.

_Ok, I've resorting to rambling to an unanswered telephone. Suck it up, Addie. Get your bloated stomach in there and pick out a wedding dress_.

------------ the evening before the wedding --------------------

Addison was arriving home later than she had anticipated. It had been a difficult week. Monday morning, she had been paged at home because Brittany, the pregnant, bulimic patient, had tried to commit suicide. By the time Addison had arrived at the hospital, Brittany's stomach had been pumped and she had gone into pre-term labor. Addison, at first, was successful in stopping the contractions. Brittany stayed overnight for observation. Addison slept on the couch in her office. Neither had a fitful night's sleep. But, two days later, Brittany was re-admitted. Her contractions had begun again. Addison was forced to deliver Grace Noel, stillborn, at 17 weeks. Brittany was left on the maternity floor under the care of her pediatrician, Dr. Morris, and Matthew's psychiatric care. In between caring for Brittany, she had, along with Dr. Showman, the perinatalogist, delivered two sets of triplets. Each set was doing as well as could be expected given the circumstances.

Addison had hoped to be home in time for dinner, but it was well past eating hour now. She opened the door to the kitchen from the garage. Derek walked in with a beer bottle in her hand.

Greeting her with a quick kiss, he said, "Hi! How are you? You look exhausted."

Addison set her purse on the kitchen counter and grabbed the bottle from Derek's hand. She took a sip and answered, "I am." She saw Derek's frown and gave the bottle back to him. "I swear, I just needed one sip. And a bed. I need our bed."

"I have a surprise for you," he said while retrieving his beer bottle from her.

"Oh, God. I'm not sure my body can take any more surprises this week. Attempted suicide, early contractions, drugs, and babies. Billions - or so it seemed - of babies. I can't take one more surprise."

Derek pouted. "But you'll like this one."

"Huh. Wait. Shouldn't you be packed and sleeping at the hotel in town? You can't stay here. We're getting married tomorrow."

"I know. I'm not staying here." Derek grabbed Addison's hand and pulled her into the family room. "Surprise!"

Addison stood shocked to see Callie and George sitting in her family room. Callie stood up and walked over to Addison. They hugged while the guys back away to give them some girl time.

Releasing each other, Addison said, "I can't believe you are here!"

Callie smiled and said, "Derek called last week and said you needed a friend." Addison glanced at Derek. She smiled gratefully and he winked at her in return. "George and I needed a vacation. So - here we are. Let's party!"

Addison laughed and put a hand on her abdomen. "Nineteen makes it hard to party."

Callie furrowed her eyebrows. "Nineteen? Huh?"

Addison shook her head and said, "Nevermind. I'll explain later."

Derek walked towards Addison and she threw her arms around his neck. "Thank you," she whispered.

Derek returned a whisper and said, "You're welcome. I knew you needed more than me."

George kissed Callie goodbye. Derek grabbed his overnight and suit bags. "George, let's leave these girls to their girly stuff. You and I will check into the hotel and grab ourselves a drink."

George replied, "Sounds good, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek looked back at George and said, "O'Malley, if we are spending the night together, you can call me Derek."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah! Right! Of course."

Addison and Callie walked the boys to Derek's SUV in the garage. Derek gave Addison on last hug and kiss.

"Have a tame girl's party, please. See you at the church tomorrow."

"I'll be there."

"I never had a doubt." Derek left a lingering kiss on Addison's lips.

As soon as he had driven down the driveway, Callie put an arm around her friend's shoulders and said, "Ok, girl. Spill it. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Addison scrunched her eyebrows together and held the door to the kitchen open for Callie to enter into the house.

"What? Nothing is wrong with me."

Callie walked into the kitchen with Addison following her. Addison stopped in front of the fridge and opened it's heavy stainless steel door. She looked over at Callie and cocked her head.

"No,thanks. I've got a beer open in the family room."

Addison nodded and grabbed a bottled water. They both made their way to the couch in the family room.

"Addison, I know I haven't known you very long, but I do know that Derek is a private guy. He wouldn't call me and ask me to fly here if you weren't freaking out on him."

"He just invited you to the wedding. Don't read into it. He knows I'm irritated about the big plans he's' made and he wants to appease me."

Callie took a swig of her beer and said, "He said he thought you were hormonal."

Addison scrunched her nose and said, "He said that?"

Callie nodded, "He did."

"God, he knows I hate that."

"I'm just telling you. He's worried. I'm sure he's a sensitive, caring, guy." She lowered her voice and, "Not that I've seen it towards you."

Addison tilted her head quietly admonishing her.

"But, you obviously love the guy. So, what's really up? And cut the bull shit, Addison. It doesn't work on me."

Addison sighed. "I've had some difficult cases lately."

"Nothing new. Try again."

"I don't like the neurosurgeon he works with."

"A little more interesting, but I don't think that's it either."

"I'm pregnant."

"Already a known fact. You are pregnant and?"

Addison began running one sentence into another. "And - my parents, who I've basically cut out of my life, are now back in my life thanks to Derek's family. This heir - " She paused long enough to place her palm gently onto her stomach and glance downward. "is, according to them, their biological right to come back and torture me again. Then, there's me. I'm a surgeon. I live for the OR. So what happens when I, by necessity, choose the hospital over my child? I know what it's like to be brushed aside - put off - until there's more time. It's all fine for Derek. He's a guy. He can come and go as he pleases. I hid this baby from him. What kind of wife does that? What if I completely screw up this whole mother thing? What if my child comes to me at eighteen and tells me to stay out of his/her life because I was never fully in it in the first place?"

As Addison paused to breathe, Callie said, "You _are_ hormonal."

"Shut up."

"Ad, ok, look, I've seen you with babies and children. You had more compassion, honesty, and devotion than anyone at that stupid hospital. Give yourself more credit. Give Derek more credit - which pains me to say given what I saw." Callie quickly took another long drink of her beer.

"What? What do you mean -?"

Callie winced and said, "I saw the tail end, no pun intended, of prom sex."

Addison grimaced. "I could have gone my entire life not knowing that."

"Sorry."

"Ok, maybe you are right," Addison conceded. "Maybe I just need to lighten up." Addison held up her bottle of water and Callie did the same with her beer bottle. "Cheers. May tomorrow come and go without me killing anyone."

Callie smiled, "Here, here."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Starting Over

Addison and Callie were in the dressing room of the church getting ready for the ceremony. Addison was dressed in an ivory colored gown that hugged her frame and showed off her amazing curves. The dress was covered in lace and beading, and it had cost her a fortune, but she had decided that this was definitely the last time she was going to get married. Her train was bustled behind her for the moment. Addison had gotten much entertainment from trying to watch Callie pin up the bustle. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, Callie had it done just perfectly. Addison had chosen two inch manolo blahnik heels in a matching ivory color to complement her outfit.

She had pulled her hair from her face and fastened it on the top of her head with a wide, ivory colored barrette. She had used large rollers on the sides and what wasn't held up by the barrette hung over her shoulders in large, loose ringlets. She had passed on the veil this time. No sense in overdoing it, she thought.

In her hands, she would be holding a small bouquet of baby's breath that was surrounded by cream colored calla lilies. This, other than her gown, was the one thing that she had insisted on for the wedding. She had carried white calla lilies during their first ceremony and she wanted the baby's breath to be cradled in the middle of this bouquet in honor of Nineteen.

Addison wore a minimal amount of jewelry. In her earlobes, she had inserted two diamond studs. Derek had given her these stunning, two-carat, beauties for their fifth wedding anniversary. Around her neck, she had attached the matching pendant that he had insisted she couldn't be without a month after she had received the earrings.

Breaking Addison out of mentality checking over her attire, Callie said, "So, are we ready?"

Addison turned away from the full length mirror in front of her, smiled, and replied, "We are."

Before they walked to the door, a knock sounded from the other side. Immediately following the knock came four overly excited voices.

"Addison?!"

"Hey, it's us!"

"Let us in!"

"Yeah, open the door!"

"Unless you aren't decent….oh, wait….you're never decent."

Tremendous laughter followed the last statement, which was uttered by Derek's most ornery sister, Nancy.

Callie looked at Addison for an explanation of whom and what she was hearing.

Addison grinned and said, before opening the door to let the gaggle of women in, "Derek's family."

Callie raised her eyebrows wondering how quiet, brooding Derek fit into a family with such ostentatious mouths.

As soon as Addison turned the door handle and pulled the door towards her, the women practically fell into the room. With more joyous squeals, each sister, plus Derek's mother, took a turn giving Addison a tight squeeze and a quick kiss on her cheek. Along with these affections came ample belly rubs that made Addison blush. Her family had arrived.

Addison began the introductions, "Callie, this is Laura, Derek's mother. And his sisters, all MD's, Kathleen, Nancy, Elizabeth, and Grace."

Laura stood in front of Addison and placed Addison's hands in hers. "Addison, I am so sorry about the baby thing. I had no idea that your parent's didn't know, but I shouldn't have called them."

Addison smiled warmly, "It's ok. We all make mistakes."

"Yes, yes, we do. Even you and Derek. But, I'm glad that you've been able to forgive each other and find your way back together. I've missed you as part of the family. You're good for Derek. He's never as happy or content away from you as he is beside you."

"Thank you. I've missed you as well." Addison said as she pulled Laura towards her for a welcoming hug.

"Hey, Addie?" asked Grace.

Laura and Addison broke from their embrace and Addison replied, "Yeah?"

"When's this little bundle of joy due?"

Addison mumbled, "March 23rd."

The women all furrowed their eyebrows trying to figure out what date Addison had given them. Nancy was the first of the women to figure it out. "Did you say March 23rd?" She started laughing as Addison barely nodded her head.

"What's so funny?" Kathleen asked.

"I didn't hear what date Addie said. What was it?" Elizabeth whined, upset that she didn't get the joke yet.

Nancy filled them all in as Addison's cheeks turned a deep crimson. "She said March 23rd." Nancy stopped to wait and see if anyone was catching on, but they all looked at her with blank faces. "Oh my God, you are all so dense."

"Nancy." Laura admonished.

"Just spill it," Grace commanded, aggravated that her sister was dragging out the answer.

Laughing, Nancy said, "Derek and Addison's baby is due on Mark's birthday!"

"Oooooh, ouch," Kathleen muttered.

"Wow, that sucks," Grace retorted.

"Aww, Addison. It's not so bad. Really. We've forgiven you for sleeping with Mark, even though it nearly destroyed Derek. But, really. We're not upset anymore. This baby is a blessing no matter what the date will continually remind us all of," Elizabeth said, through clenched teeth.

Elizabeth's last statement only made Nancy laugh harder.

Addison closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them, she'd be alone. _Damnit. Didn't work_, she thought.

"Ok, girls," Laura began. "Addison needs some time to clear her head before walking down the aisle to our Derek. Let's go and say hello to him before the wedding begins." She walked towards the door giving Addison a quick, apologetic smile. As she opened the door, she nearly ran smack into Matthew Freeman.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for Addison Montgomery," the gentleman said.

"She's right here," Laura replied.

Matthew walked into the dressing room, slightly embarrassed. "Addison. I thought you'd be alone."

"Alone, huh?" teased Nancy.

"He's hot," Grace whispered.

"I don't like him," Elizabeth whispered back to Grace.

"Good God, Beth. Get over it. Derek cheated on Addison too. He isn't perfect."

Matthew turned towards Nancy. "That's not what I meant." He held out his hand for her to shake it. "I'm Dr. Matthew Freeman. I work with Addison."

Nancy shook his hand and replied, "Nice to meet you. I'm Nancy, one of Derek's many sisters. And this is Kathleen, Grace, Elizabeth, and our mother, Laura."

Matthew shook all of their hands and noticed Elizabeth glaring at him. He turned towards Callie and said, "Did they forget you?"

Callie smiled, "No, I'm not one of them."

Addison interjected, "Matt, this is Dr. Callie O'Malley, a friend from Seattle."

Callie and Matthew exchanged pleasantries and a hand shake.

Laura motioned to her daughters. "Let's go girls. Addison, we will see you in the sanctuary," Laura said, bidding her a goodbye.

Matthew shut the door once Derek's family had exited the room.

"They're exhausting," Callie remarked.

Addison grinned, "They are, but I love them."

"Addison, you look beautiful."

"Thank you. I'm wondering if this wedding is ever going to happen."

Matthew chuckled. "It will."

"How's Brittany?"

"We have her on suicide watch for the next ten days. After that, we'll need to re-evaluate her safety at home. I still feel guilty. I should've predicted her attempt when she was admitted before."

Addison took a moment to explain the case to Callie. "Matt, there's no way you could've known. Yes, I know there were signs of depression along with her bulimia, but I didn't think she'd intentionally hurt herself and her baby."

Before Matthew could respond, they heard another knock on the door.

Matthew noticed Addison tense for a moment. He looked at her questioningly, but it was a fleeting emotion.

"I'll get it," Callie offered. As she walked to the door, she mumbled, "It's like Grand Central Station around here." Opening the door, she stood surprised when she saw the two people standing on the other side of it. "Chief?!"

"Chief?!" Addison repeated.

"Chief?" Matthew asked.

"Not our Chief," Addison explained.

Callie moved aside and allowed Richard and Adele to enter the room. Matthew moved to the side with Callie as Adele rushed towards Addison.

"Addie, honey, you look beautiful." Adele grabbed Addison into a bear hug. While continuing the embrace, Addison looked towards Richard and asked, "What are you doing here? I mean-," Addison broke the hug so she could continue. "I'm happy that you are here, but-"

Richard replied, "Derek mentioned you needing someone to walk you down the aisle." He glanced over at Matthew and Callie. "But, maybe you don't."

Addison shook her head. "No, Richard." She smiled and said, "He's not walking me down the aisle. He's a friend. A colleague, actually." Using her hands to help with her introductions, she said, "Matthew, This is the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital, and my dearest mentor, Richard Webber and his gorgeous wife, Adele."

They all exchanged hand shakes and Addison said, to Richard, "I'd love for you to walk me down the aisle." She went to Richard and wrapped her arms around him. "Thank you."

After the hug, Richard held onto Addison's upper arms and said, "Don't thank me. Thank your soon-to-be husband."

Addison grinned and replied, "I certainly will."

Another knock at the door broke the pleasant scene as they all swiveled their heads towards the sound of the knock. All of them except for Matthew, who watched Addison for her reaction. As he had silently predicted, another fast moment of anxiety passed over Addison's normally calm face.

Callie put her hands up and said, "Stay where you are. I'll get it. Again."

Richard, Adele, and Matthew walked towards the back of the room as Callie opened the door to Addison's next guest.

"Hello. I need to speak with Addison, briefly, before she begins the ceremony."

The man in the doorway was in his late sixties, handsome, and very tall. Callie guessed he was approximately six foot four or so. She backed away from the doorway and allowed him access to the room. As he walked towards Addison, Callie joined the others at the back of the room.

Addison stood perfectly still with her arms straight at her sides. He stared at her for a full thirty seconds before saying, "If you all wouldn't mind, I'd like a few minutes alone with my daughter."

Richard, Adele, Matthew, and Callie began to file towards the door.

"No!" Addison said, putting out her arm towards the group. "They stay. Whatever you have to say to me can be said with them in the room."

Alexander tilted his head and glared at Addison. "I don't think you want that to happen, Addison. You don't want them to hear what I have to say to you."

"I've already made my decision."

"Fine. You always were the stubborn one."

"Not always a bad thing," Addison retorted.

"I was hoping your smart mouth was just an adolescent phase. It's time to grow up, Addison."

She folded her arms and said, "I'm not following you."

"Let me explain it to you. Professionally, you're on top of your game. You're at a good hospital furthering your reputation. But, personally, your life is shit."

Addison blinked slowly at his description of her. "And how would you even know this?"

"The same way we've always known about you. We know people who know people. But, that's not my point. The point is you are now carrying a child. It's not all about Addison anymore. You used to be able to make bad decisions that would affect only you and Derek. Whoring your vows would be an excellent example of that."

Richard stepped forward. "Excuse me, sir,"

Addison, again, held up her hand silencing him. Richard stepped back with the others.

Alexander continued, "Making those decisions now will destroy a child. Your mother and I will not sit back and watch that happen. We allowed you to get away with one poor decision that cost us a child, but we will **not** make that mistake again.

"I was young," Addison replied, quietly.

"A young lady with an appropriate amount of responsibility in which you failed at and it resulted in the fatality of your sister."

Addison heard the audible gasps of her group of friends from the back of the room. She ignored them and kept her focus on her father. She knew that breaking eye contact now would show weakness. It was something she had heard over and over from him while growing up.

"It was an accident. I didn't cause it."

"I think you are now old enough to stop telling yourself that lie."

Addison let her arms fall to her sides. "Are you finished?"

"Have I made my point?"

Addison made no movement to answer him.

"My point is that the decision you make about having your mother and I as a part of this child's life can be either easy or difficult. It's up to you. You can make sure we are free to visit upon request or we will talk to James and draw up papers stating our rights to do so."

Alexander turned towards the group in the back of the room. "I'm sure your friends had no idea you had a sister named Ashley. You should really share that story with them." Looking back towards Addison, he ended the conversation by saying, "The next time I tell you that I need to speak to you alone, will you make the same decision that you did today?"

Addison watched as her father turned from her and walked out of the room.

Richard, Adele, Matthew, and Callie all came toward Addison offering their support and comfort.

"No," she stated. "Everyone out. Go."

"Addie, honey, we're not going to leave you -" Adele whispered.

Addison interrupted her. "I said everyone. I meant everyone. Out."

Adele looked at Addison with pity, but she started towards the door.

Addison pointed to Matthew. "Everyone, but you. You can stay."

Callie opened the door and muttered, "I knew that best friend stuff was crap."

Following Adele and Callie, Richard said, before closing the door, "I'll wait for you in the hallway by the sanctuary, Addison."

Addison nodded and sighed when the door was tightly closed.

Matthew took Addison's arm and pulled her to the small dressing room couch. They sat next to each other and he began their conversation.

"You knew he was coming, didn't you?"

Addison nodded.

"Did you know he would bring up your sister?"

This time she shook her head at him.

"Why didn't you tell me? We had the whole dream conversation. You never mentioned your sister."

Addison twirled her engagement ring around her finger. "I didn't think it would ever come up."

"I know we don't have much time and maybe you don't even want to talk about it, but I'm here if you need me."

Addison forced a smile to her lips and replied. "Thanks." She waited a beat before continuing, "It really was an accident. I was ten. She was four. I should've been watching her better. She somehow got out the back door and wandered onto our deck. I was in the pool earlier in the day and forgot to latch the lock to the gate when I went to the pool house. Ashley must have gone through the unlocked gate."

Matthew noticed her stoic voice in telling what had happened that day. He wondered if she had ever truly felt the emotions she needed to feel to release the guilt she wouldn't admit to.

"She must have tried to reach a toy floating in the water or something. When I noticed that she wasn't playing in the same area that she had been, I looked for her. I eventually found her submerged in the middle of the pool."

Addison stopped retelling her memory to use her fingertips to wipe away the tears that had threatened to fall onto her cheeks. "I can't do this now."

Matthew took Addison's hand. "I understand. Does Derek know about Ashley?"

Addison nodded. "He knows about everything in my life."

"Ok, good. Let's go get you married."

"Yeah, I'm sure I'm running a little late," she joked.

"Once they get a look at you, they'll forget the wait."

She smiled, kissed his cheek, and said, "thank you."

Matthew helped Addison stand up and handed her the bouquet of flowers. "I should get back to my date. I'll be incredibly lucky if she hasn't left yet."

"Who is it this week?" Addison teased.

"Jody. She's a bartender."

Addison shook her head and laughed as Matthew left the room. She took a deep cleansing breath, closed her eyes, and then slowly exhaled. _I've gotta get this wedding over with_, she thought and headed out to meet Richard.

_Canon in D_ played as Addison stood with Richard in front of the closed double doors.

"Cold feet?" Richard asked.

She smiled and replied, "Not at all."

"Then, let's go."

Addison nodded and the two gentlemen performing the ushering duties for the ceremony pulled back the wooden doors allowing the natural light of the stained glass windows inside the sanctuary to seep into the hallway. It mesmerized her for a moment and then she began walking with Richard beside her. They slowly made their way down the narrow white aisle together barely noticing those staring at them from the pews.

Derek felt his legs tighten when the doors to the sanctuary were opened. Although this was the second time he'd seen her in a wedding gown, his heart thumped against his chest as if it were the first time. _God, she's beautiful_, he thought. _She's right in front of me and I feel like I can't breathe._

He physically relaxed his legs a bit to keep his circulation flowing. _She'll kill me if I faint during our wedding._

Addison smiled warmly at Callie, who was standing just to her left. She turned back towards Richard, let go of his arm that she had been clutching, and left a quick kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Always," he replied quietly.

Addison faced Derek and whispered sheepishly, "Hi."

Derek smiled and replied, just as softly, "Hi."

"Sorry I'm late."

"Not a problem. This will be quick and painless, I promise."

She grinned and said, "I could use some quick and painless."

Derek tilted his head and said, "So I've heard."

The minister leaned towards them and quietly asked if they were ready to begin.

Answering simultaneously, they both whispered, "Yes. Sorry."

"Welcome family and friends. We are gathered here today to join two hearts into one. Although I don't know Addison or Derek very well, I could tell upon meeting them that they have a passion for many things; their careers, their families, and, above all, each other. They are two unique and intense individuals. As they continue their journey through life together, I want them to remember this moment of rediscovery."

"Today they will pledge their faith and love in one another under God's presence. We, as their witnesses, will promise to support them as the single unit they will become. It can no longer be just Addison or just Derek. It now must be a joined name. AddisonandDerek."

"Let's begin. Addison, please join hands with Derek."

She turned to hand Callie her bouquet and then gently took Derek's hands in hers.

"Please, repeat after me. I, Addison, take you Derek, to be my lawfully wedded husband."

Addison took a quick breath and tried to steady her quivering hands. "I, Addison, take you, Derek, to be my lawfully wedded husband."

"To have and to hold from this day forward. For richer, for poorer. For sickness and in health."

Addison repeated his words, "To have and to hold from this day forward. For richer, for poorer. For sickness and in health."

"Forsaking all others until death do us part."

Addison paused and bit into her bottom lip before beginning the next phrase. "To have and to hold from this day forward. For richer, for poorer. For sickness and in health."

Derek grinned and released one of his hands from hers. He used his thumb to wipe away the first tear that Addison had let go of.

Pastor James waited until Derek had again held her hand and then continued with the vows. "This is my solemn vow to you."

Addison whispered, "This is my solemn vow to you."

Derek repeated the minister's vows and then turned to George to take the rings from him.

"George, the rings?"

"Oh! Yes, Dr. Shepherd. I have them. Just a minute."

George reached into his jacket pocket, trying not to see Callie's eyes blazing into his. Finally, he felt the cold metal that he had been looking for. Pulling them out, he carefully handed them to Derek.

"Thank you," Derek whispered. "And I told you to call me Derek."

"Yes, thank you sir. I will try to remember that."

Derek handed the rings to Pastor James who held them high above his head and blessed them.

"Addison, please take Derek's left hand in yours."

As she did, he placed Derek's ring into her palm. She stared at it for a moment thinking back to the first time she had done this. It was like déjà vu. _If I could only erase the last few years….,_ she thought.

The minister's words broke into her thoughts. "Addison, repeat after me. This ring is forever a symbol of my vow. It is a constant circle that cannot be broken. It is a promise of complete faithfulness and unconditional love. With this ring, I thee wed."

"This ring is forever a symbol of my vow. It is a constant circle that cannot be broken. It is a promise of complete…." Addison's voice began to crack and her hands, again, began to shake. She barely spoke the word, "faithfulness." Tears began openly flowing down her soft, flushed cheeks.

Derek whispered, "Don't do this, Addie. Shhhhh. That's over. We've moved on. Don't do this to yourself. I promised you quick and painless."

Addison caught a glance to the people in the pews and hooked eyes with Alexander. He was giving her that disappointed look that every child knows no matter how old they are.

Derek cupped her face with his hands and turned her head towards him. "No anesthesia. Addie. Rip the stitches."

Addison smiled through her tears and continued quietly. "It is a promise of complete faithfulness and unconditional love." She slipped the ring securely onto his finger and said, "With this ring, I thee wed."

Derek took Addison's ring from Pastor James and repeated his words. As he came to the sentence where Addison had stumbled, Derek's eyes never left hers. He wanted her to understand that he had truly forgiven her and that he would never make the horrible mistakes of the past again. Taking her fingers in his, Derek quickly closed his around hers before sliding her ring onto her finger. "With this ring, I thee wed."

The minister laid a hand on each of their backs and finished the ceremony. "With the exchanging of vows and the giving and receiving of rings, I am now proud to pronounce you husband and wife. Derek, you may kiss your bride."

Derek grinned. "Finally," he said, breathlessly. They both placed their hands on the side of each other's faces. Derek pulled her to him and softly placed his lips onto hers. He could taste the salty residue of her fresh tears.

Addison closed her eyes and pressed deeper into Derek's kiss.

As they broke free, Addison wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder so her chin fit perfectly in the crook of his neck. He breathed in her sweet scent and joined her embrace.

After a moment, they parted and looked into the congregation. Addison noticed that the seats her parents had been sitting in were empty. _They left_, she thought, with a strange mix of relief and sorrow.

Derek grabbed Addison's hand while Callie gave Addison her flowers back.

Winking at Addison, Derek said, "Let's get this party started."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The reception had been in full swing for about an hour when Addison decided she wanted something. And she wanted that something right now.

"I'm hungry. Where's the cake?"

Derek furrowed his brows while setting down his glass of alcohol. "Addie, we haven't even had dinner yet. Didn't you get some hors d'oervres or something?"

Addison frowned. "Yes, I did, but Nineteen's asking for cake."

Derek chuckled. "You can't use the baby as an excuse for wacky cravings yet. You aren't far enough along for that."

Tilting her head and placing her hand over her slightly swollen stomach, she replied, "Are you going to deny your first born child cake when he or she wants cake?"

"That's emotional blackmail."

Addison smiled broadly, "I'll use it when I can. And whose wedding is this for, Derek?"

"It's for you, sweetheart. I'm going to talk to the caterer now."

"That's what I…I mean….Nineteen…likes to hear." She leaned over and gave Derek a quick peck on the cheek as her thank you.

He laughed and shook his head as he walked away from the table on his search for the head caterer. Addison sat back and perused the restaurant's ballroom. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Derek's mother and sisters were grooving on the dance floor with George and Callie. Richard and Adele were sitting at their table quietly talking to one another. Matthew and Rachel were standing by the bar talking with who Addison had to assume was Matthew's date. She was tall, thin, and blonde. _Definitely Matt's date,_ she thought.

Two pieces of cake and a three course dinner later, Addison was ready to dance. She and Derek had joined the other guests on the dance floor. They enjoyed some fun songs and they were now slow dancing enjoying the closeness of each other.

"Is Nineteen full now?"

Addison giggled, "Nineteen is a very happy baby at the moment, thanks to his or her very sweet, handsome, adoring daddy."

"Mmmmm, that sounds so good to me. Daddy."

It warmed Addison's heart when she heard him say things like that. She had been so worried about Derek's reaction at the beginning of her pregnancy. He seemed to be falling more in love with this child every day and Addison couldn't wait until she got to see Derek hold him or her for the first time. Moving a bit so she could see the guests better, she asked, "Is that Rachel that Matthew is dancing with?"

Derek tried to inconspicuously look backwards to see behind him, although he wasn't overly worried about anyone spotting him spying on them. He knew their guests had frequented the bar many times that evening. "Yeah, it looks like they are getting along well."

Once Derek turned back towards her, Addison replied, "He has a date. Why is he dancing with _her_? And she has a boyfriend. I know he isn't here, but still, she's attached."

"They're dancing Addie, not getting engaged."

"I know, but…well, you know what happens between guests after the reception ends…"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Relax. They're just dancing."

Addison drew her head back and widened her eyes. "They're doing much more than just dancing _now_."

Derek turned back around and saw Matthew and Rachel in a deep embrace and locking lips. _Oh God_, he thought, knowing how Addison's reaction was going to be. "Ignore them. Just let them be."

"I can't believe she's kissing him! Her boyfriend is taking depositions in Washington and she's here kissing some stranger."

"_**Addie**_-" Derek warned.

"I like Matthew, Derek. He's a good guy. I don't want to see him hurt."

Slightly offended by the accusation of his partner from his wife, he replied, "Maybe you don't know all of the facts. Let's not burn her at the stake just yet."

Addison scoffed and stood still for a moment waiting for the song to change. Another ballad came on and they continued swaying to the music together.

"You don't like her, do you?" Derek asked.

"What? Why would you say that?"

Derek cocked his head. "I get the snarky comments you've made about her before tonight. I just choose to ignore them. She's my partner. She's intelligent, pretty, and extroverted. Patients love her, but I know you don't. Just don't let her know your feelings, please. I like our pleasant work relationship. Besides, you're accusing her of dancing with someone other than her boyfriend, but _your_ colleague is nowhere near his date. Kind of hypocritical, don't you think?"

Addison curled her lip and conceded the disagreement to him. Once Derek was busy at the bar, she'd have a quiet discussion alone with Matthew. _One plus for being pregnant right now_, she thought, _is_ _that I'm completely sober while everyone else's brains are mush._

It was several hours later and Addison hadn't had the chance to talk to Matthew alone. Derek's sisters had captured her and insisted they dance together, which included, to Addison's dismay, a conga line, around the banquet room. Once that was over, they had all headed towards the bar and took turns choosing shots for one another. Addison had decided she had had enough after she had to endure watching Elizabeth vomit all over the bathroom floor following her 6th shot of fire water. Being the only sober person near her, Addison had volunteered to escort her to the bathroom. After mopping the floor with wet paper towels and returning Elizabeth to her sisters, Addison decided to look for Derek to end this reception before they were unceremoniously kicked out.

"Richard, have you seen Derek? I seemed to have lost my husband already."

Richard smiled, pointed behind him, and said, "I saw him a bit ago out on the terrace, through those double doors."

"Thanks."

Before Addison began to head for the entrance to the terrace, Richard told her he and Adele were leaving. "We have an early flight back tomorrow morning. Give Derek our congratulations. And you know where we are if you need anything."

Addison smiled slightly. "Thank you. I'll let him know you had to leave." She reached forward and gave her mentor a long embrace. "I miss you both."

As they pulled away from each other, Richard replied, "We love you both as well. I mean it, Addison; call me if you need **anything**." He placed his palm under her chin, holding it upwards in a fatherly way. "Be good to each other. Take care of this little one. And wrap up this family business so it doesn't involve your child."

"I'll try my best."

"That's all I've ever asked of you."

After another quick hug, Richard left Addison standing alone contemplating his words.

"Hey there lonely girl."

Addison smiled as she immediately recognized the sultry voice behind her. Turning around, she said, "Hey, yourself. I was just going to send a search party out for you."

Derek chuckled. "Sorry. I was getting some fresh air. I saw you take my incredibly intoxicated sister – one of many it seems – to the restroom. I did have plans to rescue you."

"Thanks, but that was awhile ago."

"I know. Again, I apologize. George corralled me and I was stuck discussing his future at Seattle Grace versus Mercy West for the last hour. I did, however, make him bring me a drink for my amazing advice."

Addison reached up and placed her hands on Derek's chest. "Would you mind if we left our guests here, after we sign a non-responsibility clause of course, and begin our honeymoon? I promise if you allow us to leave _right now_, I'll do all of your favorite things. _And_ I'll let you watch while I very slowly pull this well-fit gown down over my well-fit frame," she teased.

"Where's the car?"

--

"Derek, you need to wait until we actually _get_ to the suite," Addison giggled as she batted his hand away from the buttons on the back of her gown.

"Then, you need to walk faster. Take off those ridiculous heels."

Addison stopped walking in the hotel's hallway, bent down, and removed her pristine ivory shoes. Handing them to Derek, she asked, "What's the room number?"

"6019"

"Give me the key card, please."

Derek obliged, moving the heels to his other hand.

Addison flashed him a slanted grin and took off running down the hallway until she reached the correct doorway. Looking back to make sure he wasn't right behind her, she slid the keycard into the slot, and waited impatiently for the green light to blink. Once it did, she pushed open the door and shut it behind her.

Derek stood in the hallway contemplating the punishment he could dish out once allowed into the honeymoon suite; the honeymoon suite that he had ordered, booked, and paid for. "Addison, come on. Let me in or I will forever hold your shoes hostage. I did that with your clothes once, remember?"

Addison laughed beyond the door and replied, "I have multiple pairs of shoes. _You_ will have to wait until I am ready for you."

Derek closed his eyes and bent his head toward his chest. "The longer I wait out here, the worse your punishment becomes."

He could hear her rustling movements inside the room. The porter had brought their luggage to their suite earlier in the evening and was supposed to make sure everything was just the way he had asked for it to be.

Addison smiled and began undressing. As she reached behind to unbutton her gown, she yelled, sarcastically, "Oooh, I'm shaking."

Derek smirked and looked back at the doorway, wishing she would hurry up. "You should be, you little smart ass."

She laughed out loud and stepped out of her dress. Opening her leather suitcase on top of the large bed, she pulled out an ivory silk negligee, and slipped it over her head. Bending down to slide her hose from her legs, she noticed the unused garter she had placed on her thigh hours earlier. After taking off the hosiery, she replaced the garter high on her leg, knowing Derek would appreciate taking it off in his own way later.

Addison dutifully hung her wedding gown in the hotel's closet and placed her luggage on the floor underneath it. She walked into the bathroom suite and turned the Jacuzzi jets on, watching the water bubble to the top.

"Addison?"

Walking back to the main room, Addison answered, "I'm almost ready. Be patient."

Derek sighed. "Can you move a little quicker? I'm afraid someone will call security soon."

Grabbing the bottle of champagne from the ice-filled tub on the round table in the back of the room, she popped the top and filled the two crystal glasses to the top. She stepped back and looked around the room. _One last thing_, she thought. Reaching to the top of her head, she pulled the barrette free from her hair. She let her large curls hit and bounce onto her shoulders once before shaking her head to let it naturally place itself down her bare back.

Derek heard the handle of the door click and was relieved as he watched her pull it back and allow him into the room. "Finally," he muttered, letting her heels drop to the floor.

Addison stood still waiting for a reaction from him. "Do I still have to take that punishment you've been out there thinking of?"

Derek's eyes roamed Addison's body as if they, themselves, could feel the softness of her skin. "Yeah, you do. You promised me that I could take that dress of off you," he mumbled softly.

Addison grinned and replied, "So…. punish me."

Not waiting for another invitation, Derek slid his hands around her waist and pulled her to him. He placed his lips onto hers and forced them open with his tongue. She responded by slipping her hands behind his head and entangling her fingers through his hair. They quickly made their way to the bed and she began to help him out of his tuxedo. Derek pushed the bed clothes back and, together, they crawled under the sheets. He slid his hand between her thighs and noticed the garter she had left there. Grinning, Derek pushed the negligee to her waist and grabbed the garter with his teeth. He gently slid the lacy material down her thigh, past her knee, and over her foot. Addison laughed as he flung it from his mouth onto the floor. Stifling her giggles, he brought his mouth onto hers and worked the negligee over her head. He sat back only long enough to throw the silky covering onto the floor next to the garter.

Bending back over her, he quickly removed his boxers and pushed his legs in between hers. As he inserted himself inside of her, she wrapped her legs around his waist. Using his cheek, he nuzzled his face in the crook of her neck and listened to her soft moans as he continued pushing deeper into her. After a few moments of enduring pleasure, Addison whispered, "_Now_, Derek."

With one final push of full penetration, Derek allowed himself to give in to the pleasure between the two of them. Addison followed his lead and gave in to her release. They both laid next to each other enjoying the bliss they had shared and trying to catch their breath.

Soon, Addison spoke. "That was some good punishment."

Derek turned his head to look at her and replied, "Oh no. _**That….**_ wasn't it. You've got a lot more punishment coming to you."

first day back to work after the weekend wedding

Addison had an hour before she needed to prep for her next surgery. She hadn't seen Matthew since the reception and decided she would pop in for a quick chat.

After knocking on his door and waiting for his welcoming reply, she walked into his office.

"Hey you," she said, greeting him with a smile.

Matthew was sitting at his large desk filling in papers that he felt would never diminish in amount. "Hi! How's the bride this morning?"

Addison laughed and said, "She's getting fat."

Watching her playfully pat her stomach, he smiled and shook his head. "You can hardly tell."

Addison plopped herself into a chair opposite his desk. "Aww, thanks. You are a real friend. So…."

"So? So, what?"

"So, what happened to your date at the reception?"

Matthew set his pen down and leaned back into his plush chair. "She left early with the restaurant bartender. Apparently, he was more fun than I was."

Addison made a face. "Ouch."

"Yeah, well. There's a reason for everything, isn't there?"

"I'm not sure I believe that one. But, uh, speaking of that – I uh – I guess I was a little – surprised – I guess – "

"Ad, I have an appointment coming in here in a half an hour. Spit it out."

Addison sighed. "I know it's none of my business, but I like you. You're a good friend and you've been so great to me since I've started here. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw you with Rachel, Derek's partner, during the reception. I don't think that's the best person for you."

Matthew folded his fingers together and placed his elbows on the top of the desk. "You're right. It isn't any of your business."

Taken aback, she said, "Ok. I get that. I do. But, I think you should know that she has a boyfriend; a serious boyfriend. A boyfriend who was out of town on business at the time. She's not exactly available."

Staring at her, he replied shortly, "I know. She told me."

His change in attitude should have been a warning sign for Addison, but for some reason, she couldn't stop herself from questioning him about their time together. "You don't think that you being with her that night was a little – I don't know – wrong? You don't know anything about her. Did you even think that she could just be using you for a night? Maybe she was lonely. Maybe she needed a body next to her. I was just surprised to see you together the way that I did."

Matthew pushed himself from the desk and stood up. "This coming from a woman who slept with her husband's best friend? Kind of hypocritical, don't you think? Thanks for the head's up. I'll take it into advisement."

Addison felt like she'd been kicked in the gut. Never did she think that he would use something that she told him in private against her. She rose and muttered, "I just don't want to see you hurt."

Before she walked out of the door, Matthew said, "That's not for you to worry about. Try focusing on your own problems. We both know that you have enough of them."

Addison lowered her head and left his office.

When Addison returned home later that evening, Derek had already started on dinner. She could smell the chicken roasting in the oven as she hung her coat on the hook in the mud room and stepped out of her heels.

"Yum. Smell's good in here." She walked over to Derek, who was chopping vegetables at the kitchen counter, and placed a quick peck on his cheek. She set her purse and cell phone a few feet away from his work space.

He grinned at her as she washed her hands at the sink and went back to refining his cutting skills on the green pepper he was slicing. "How was your day?"

Grabbing another wooden cutting board, a knife, and an onion, she replied, "Um, ok. I had one scheduled surgery and two emergency c-sections that went well." She decided to leave out the spat she had had with Matthew. No doubt that whole conversation wouldn't go well, she thought.

"Good. Feeling ok?"

"Yeah, fine. How was your day?"

"Great. All regular appointments and a set of rounds at the hospital this morning. Everything routine."

Addison nodded her head. They went on talking about nothing in particular until she decided she needed to ask him something. It had been on her mind since the reception, but until now she had avoided the topic.

As she placed her sliced onions in the frying pan on the stove, she casually asked him, "Have you talked to Mark since we left Seattle?"

Derek, surprised, stopped cutting and wondered where his wife was taking this question. "No."

Again, she nodded, but didn't respond vocally. Returning to the counter, she began to run her fingers up and down the knife's metal edge.

Derek cocked his head to look at her. "Have you?"

She glanced quickly at him and shook her head. "No."

He watched as she continued to slide her fingers back and forth over the slippery metal. "You're going to slice yourself."

Addison held the knife in her hand, but she moved her fingers away from the sharp blade.

"Addie, you asked me that question for a reason, right? You haven't brought up Mark since we moved here."

Laying the knife back onto the cutting board, she looked at him, and sighed. "It's nothing really; just something Callie said to me after the wedding."

Derek watched her expectantly, silently urging her to go on.

She ran one hand through her hair. "Apparently, according to Callie, Mark has been seeing someone since we left. She's a respiratory therapist at the hospital. Callie said she's gorgeous and they are very, and I'm using her word here, 'serious.'"

Derek chuckled. "Serious? Mark? I don't think it's possible to use those two words in the same sentence."

Addison forced a smile, but for some crazy reason, what he had said had pained her a bit.

"He _can be_ serious."

"Oh, sure he can. As long as she's giving him exactly what he wants. Once he's bored with her, he moves on."

Before she could stop herself, she blurted out, "So, I guess it didn't take him long to decide I wasn't a good enough lay for him."

Derek placed his own knife down and turned towards her. "What?! We weren't talking about you! What – are you jealous of this girl or something? Why is this a big deal? So, he's getting some from a beautiful girl. So, what?" He added, sarcastically, "good for him."

"You're right. We weren't talking about Mark and I – until you assumed that he is incapable of having a serious relationship with anyone. He was there Derek. Don't forget that. He was there for me when you weren't."

"Oh God, Addie, are we going to go through this again? Get over it. We both screwed up. And stop putting Mark on a God damn pedestal. He's an ass. _You_, I can try to forgive; him, I don't have to."

"You can _try_ to forgive me? So, you really _haven't_ forgiven me. You're just _pretending_ to forgive me."

Derek turned and walked into the mud room and shoved his feet into his running shoes. Addison followed him, but he ignored her. He pushed past her and went through the foyer to the great room.

"What are you doing? Where are you going?" she pleaded.

"I'm going out for a walk. This whole thing is ridiculous. I can't say one thing without you twisting everything around. While I'm gone you can ask yourself why you're still hung up on Sloan."

She grabbed the back of his shirt, but the material slid from her fingers. "I am not still – God, Derek. Listen to me. We didn't even finish –" She watched as he unlocked the sliding glass door and roughly pulled it to the side. "Derek, don't-"

The sound of metal scraping along the frame as he pulled the door shut in front of her interrupted her sentence. "-go." Addison pushed her palm against the chill of the glass door and watched him walk down the hill toward the thick trees. Once she could no longer see him, she went back into the kitchen. Using hot pads, she pulled the chicken from the oven and turned it off. The smell that had once made her stomach growl was now making her nauseated.

As she set the hot pan on the counter, she noticed her cell phone that she had set there when she arrived home. Sliding the pan towards the back of the counter, she picked up her phone. Knowing the number by heart, she began dialing.

--

Darkness had set outside as Derek yanked on the sliding glass door. Slipping inside the warm house was a relief for his escape hadn't afforded time to grab a coat and winter's chill was just beginning. After stepping through the threshold, he winced as metal scraped against itself while he pulled the door shut. Addison had reminded him multiple times to fix it, but he hadn't gotten around to it. It was another reminder of why he needed to be home more. Before completely entering the great room, he saw the top of her crimson head on the curve of the couch. Her arm was dangling off to the side with her fingers hanging loosely towards the carpet. Walking silently towards her, he found her sound asleep with dark streaks of mascara tattooed on her cheeks. He crouched so that his hamstrings touched his heels, stared at her for a few moments, and then began to collect the wadded Kleenex she had littered the floor in front of her with. As he stood up, he noticed her open cell phone on the coffee table next to the half-filled box of tissues. _Did she call someone_, he thought? Grabbing it along with the used Kleenex, he made his way back into the kitchen. After tossing the evidence of her break down into the trash can, he clicked through her phone looking for recent calls.

"I didn't call anyone." Her scratchy voice startled Derek and he quickly closed her cell phone, embarrassed that he was caught checking up on her. She pushed herself to an upright position and began instinctually wiping at the dried area under her eyelids. "I was going to. I started to. But I didn't."

He nodded and tossed the phone back onto its original position on the kitchen counter. He looked around the kitchen noticing that not much had changed since he'd walked out. Other than the chicken being taken out of the oven, it looked like no time had passed.

"You didn't eat." It was a statement of fact towards her and not a question.

Slipping her fingers through her tousled hair, she answered, "No." She hadn't wanted food before he had left. She had wanted a conversation; some type of answer. If she had been honest about it, she had wanted a fight. She had instigated him with the mention of Mark, and again, he had walked out instead of standing in front of her arguing his point of view.

Derek took out two plates and began preparing their late dinner. After re-heating her food, he brought the plate and a tall glass of milk to her. He set them down on the coffee table and directed her to, "Eat."

She moved herself to the edge of the cushion and stared at his offering. "I hate milk."

"Drink it anyway. It's good for Nineteen," he commanded.

Looking up at him, she pouted, but grabbed the glass anyway. He watched as she took a sip and grimaced after swallowing it. Satisfied, Derek went back into the kitchen and made the same meal for himself. He sat opposite her on the couch and they both ate without a word to each other.

Finishing her food, but leaving her glass of milk intact, Addison broke the silence between them. "I'm sorry – about the Mark thing." Shrugging her shoulders, she continued, "I didn't mean for it to go where it went."

Chewing his dinner, he nodded his head, but offered no apology of his own.

Sighing, Addison flopped backwards allowing her tired and always now aching back to rest against the couch. "I made a lot of people angry at me today."

Derek continued to eat, but listened intently figuring this was the time to keep quiet. Obviously something had bothered her today since she didn't normally attack him the moment she got home from the hospital.

"I had my OB appointment early this morning. I went into the hospital after that and apparently rubbed everyone the wrong way. Even the babies hated me."

Derek glanced at her and chuckled. She always had a way of adding her trademark sarcasm to every story she told.

Addison fiddled with her fingers before going on. "The Chief called me into his office after the first emergency C-section that I did. He told me that the neo-natal nurses had gotten together and told him that I was being domineering and rude to them. Domineering? Seriously? I was giving orders. Just like always." She shrugged her shoulders and allowed more weight to press into the back of the couch. "Apparently, I had an edge to my orders today or something. Anyway, I got called in like a _child_ and told to knock it off. He said maybe I could get away with an attitude like that in New York or Seattle, but it wasn't going to work _here_."

Biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing out loud, which he knew would cause him some type of pain from her, Derek set his fork down and turned towards her. He brought his leg up to rest on the couch next to her thigh.

She glanced at him, but made no attempt to move her legs. "After I left that office, I went to see Matthew. I hadn't had a chance to talk to him since the wedding and…"

"You didn't?" Derek interrupted her fearing he knew where this part of the daily confession was going. "Tell me you didn't bring up Rachel."

Addison looked at him sheepishly from the corner of her eye.

"Uhhh. Addison," he admonished. "I warned you."

Agreeing, she nodded, "Yes, you did. I know you did. And you're right. The conversation didn't go well. So, I single-handedly ticked him off as well. Clearly I was really good at that today."

Although he wasn't thrilled that his wife was still making other people's business her own and he was no friend of Matthew's, her recount of the day made him feel sorry for her. Sliding closer to her, he slipped his hand behind her neck and fiddled with her hair. "You've had a rough day."

Nodding, Addison closed her eyes enjoying the slight tug at the roots of her mane.

Cocking his head, Derek asked her, "Everything fine at your check up?"

"Um, yeah. Basically."

"Basically? What does that mean?"

Sighing, Addison tilted her head back while Derek continued to massage the back of her head. "Nineteen is great. Growing well. Looking good. Ten and a half inches long, 9.8 ounces, and a 152 heart rate. All very normal."

"Good. Sounds nice and healthy."

"Yeah, she is."

"_She_?"

Grinning, she replied, "Oh, sorry. She _or_ he. My instincts still say girl. I didn't peek during that part, though."

Derek chuckled. "Good girl. So, I assume there's more since everything you've said so far is all great and the word 'basically' doesn't cover that."

"I think I know too much, ya know? I saw something during the first ultrasound and today's look confirmed that."

"If something was wrong then, why didn't Dr. Amberly present it?"

"I think she was hoping I either didn't see it or that it would correct itself before this appointment. I have complete placenta previa."

"The placenta's covering your cervix?"

Nodding, she continued to explain the condition for him, "Yes. It hasn't moved in the weeks since the last sonogram. And although, it can still migrate as the uterus grows, it would've had a better chance if we had seen some movement in the previous weeks. It's not a large concern right now, but it will be near full term."

Derek sighed. He had wanted an easy, uneventful pregnancy for her. "Ok. We'll take things as they come. Our baby's healthy. You're healthy. That's all that I need."

Lifting her head she turned towards him. "If it doesn't migrate by the time I deliver, I'll have to have a C-section. We also have to watch for third trimester bleeding…which also means no more sex."

Raising his eyebrows, he plopped backwards on the couch. "No sex for 4 months?? Ugh, I'm a goner. I'm done. I'll perish."

Addison giggled and slapped his leg. "Shut up. I do have other talents, you know."

Sitting up, Derek held her face in his hands. "You do. And I love all of them. Hey…"

"Yeah?"

"Next time you get news that bothers you? Try not to take it out on the whole city."

"I'll see what I can do."

Derek leaned in and placed his lips onto hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. As they pulled away, he pointed to her hardly touched glass of milk. "I'll clean up. Drink your milk."

Addison scowled and grabbed the glass. She looked at him and chugged the entire thing, shuddering afterwards.

"There ya go." He grabbed the glass out of her hand. "Nice work, doctor."

"Funny."

"Go on up to bed." He gave her a peck on the cheek and said, "I'll be up as soon as I finish putting things away."

"Ok. I love you Derek. I'm a lucky girl."

Derek smiled. "I love you too. And I feel pretty lucky myself."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Let the Earth Rattle

Derek rubbed his temples while trying to block out the constant beeping noise that was emanating from the monitor a few feet from his chair. Usually, it was a comforting sound; a sound that reminded him of normalcy and stability. In these early hours, in this hospital room, it was nerve-wracking. He had to steel himself from grabbing the pole that held the machine with the offending noise and throwing it against the drab, concrete walls. Hearing the door swish open broke the monotony of Derek's surroundings. He followed Dr. Amberly with his eyes, but made no attempt to stand up.

Before reaching Addison's bedside, the somber physician asked Derek, "She's not awake yet?"

Derek murmured his answer while shaking his head negatively.

Dr. Amberly glanced at him, smiled briefly, and replied, "She will. Soon, I'm sure. When she does, I'll be back in to discuss everything with her."

"Thank you." _Better you than me_, he thought and then felt guilty for it. He should be the one to tell her. He should be the first one she hears it from. But, Derek knew that probably wouldn't be the case. He would allow her to come back into the darkened room and inform a newly awake Addison, medically, how the past 24 hours had come to pass.

After a quick check of the patient's chart and monitors, the least affected doctor left the room. One was left in a state of unconsciousness and the other was left in a state of gravity.

Derek glanced at his silent wife, slid his fingers through his already mussed hair, and allowed his elbows to rest on his knees. The last twelve hours had seemed surreal. Multiple messages from Addison. One informing him that she wasn't feeling well and had decided to take the day off. The others ensuring him that she was "fine" and how she had post-it noted names in her 50,000 Best Baby Names book for him to review when he got home. The final call, hours after the last, cryptically told him that she was still "not up to par" and she wanted to know when he could leave the hospital. Addison rarely asked him to leave before she knew he was finished for the day. Hours after that, arriving home to find her unconscious and lying on the cold kitchen tile, blood the color of her locks, pooling around her thighs. The frantic call to 911 requesting a life flight. Checking her vitals and using anything he could find nearby to reverse the blood loss. Going against protocol by picking up her limp body and holding her in his arms while waiting for the impending helicopter. Whispering to her during the twenty minute flight, hoping something he said would somehow sink in. He wanted direction from her. This was her area of expertise. She would've known exactly what to do. She would've been barking orders and expecting nothing less than perfection from the flight doctor. All he could do was hold his breath hoping hers would continue. Jogging behind the stretcher, entering the hospital doors that he had recently vacated, keeping his eyes on her and simultaneously listening to the beeping monitors attached to her arms and abdomen. Watching in a blurred haze as Dr. Amberly arrived and declared an OR be prepped immediately. It was different being on this side. Not being in control or proactive. Having to helplessly watch his colleagues touch his wife. Holding her hand and feeling her fingers slip through yours as the staff rushed her to the open OR. Pacing the hallways, telling himself that he should've taken a moment to call her back during the day instead of relying on her hopelessly positive voice mail messages. She never wanted to worry him needlessly. Checking his watch only to find that at some point, the battery had died and it was stuck on a perpetual 11:00. The watch had been thrown into a trash receptacle during one angry, pacing, moment. Using a slight touch to her forehead in the Recovery area. Leaving an even lighter kiss on her cheek before walking away from her. Being allowed to see his critical son in an incubator for a total of thirty seconds before he was whisked away to the NICU. Signing the permission slip to have the unnamed child transferred to Boston Children's Hospital. Her hospital. Her NICU. And now, here, anxiously awaiting a conscious state in her private room.

Sighing loudly, Derek stood and stretched his aching muscles. He hadn't slept, for, what? _A day? A day and a half? No, almost two_, he thought. He could've fallen asleep in the wooden chair if he body would've let him. Instead, thoughts of the past twelve hours swirled in his head.

Turning slightly at the whoosh of the exam room door, he waited to see who emerged. Another doctor? A nurse? Derek saw Matthew peek his head around the half ajar wooden door.

Derek nodded his approval and Matt walked in keeping his eyes on Derek. He wasn't sure if he wanted to see Addison in the condition she was in, but he knew that's why he was there.

"Congratulations," Matt murmured.

Knowing he meant the baby, Derek replied, "Thank you. How did you know?"

"Aubrey, the NICU nurse, paged me when he was brought in."

Derek nodded absently.

Matthew held out his hand, giving Derek a Polaroid picture. "I figured you didn't have a chance to snap a photo of him before they transferred him."

"Thanks." Derek took the picture and stared at his son, who was barely visible beneath the tubes and wires that surrounded him.

Matt awkwardly glanced towards Addison. "She'll want to see him."

"Yeah," Derek agreed.

"If you need to go and get something to eat…or something…I'll stay with her," Matt offered.

Derek thought for a moment. He needed to get away from the dull four walls that seemed to have caved in on him in the last half an hour, but he also wanted to be there for her if she awoke.

"I'll page you immediately if she has any signs of consciousness."

Derek nodded his head knowing he had to trust the man that his wife had befriended.

As he solemnly left the room, Matthew pulled his chair closer to Addison's bedside. He hadn't expected to be in this position. Seeing her so vulnerable and immobile under the thin sheet and blanket. Although their friendship was fairly new, he had grown to care for her. She was a strong woman who had endured much in her lifetime. He was concerned for her. How would she handle what life had dealt her now? What if her son didn't survive? At twenty-six weeks, it would take a miracle. Their NICU miracle-worker was unavailable. How would she handle that issue? One thing he knew about her was that she wasn't patient. He chuckled as he thought about Derek having to literally tie her to the bedposts to keep her from scrambling to the other hospital.

But, right now, all she could do was survive. She had survived the surgery. She needed to survive the post-op. She needed to survive mentally, keeping her child alive through thoughts, until, at the very least, she could hold him in her warm arms.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Little Earthly Miracles

Derek trudged to the cafeteria barely aware of the patrons who sat there. Standing in line, he thought about what to order. His stomach grumbled at the smells that filled the air, but he didn't want to leave Addison for more than a few minutes. Finally, it was his turn and, still, he hadn't made a decision.

"He'll have a cinnamon bagel and a black coffee; two sugars, please."

Derek turned his head to see Rachel standing behind him. Nodding to the lady behind the counter, he pushed his tousled hair back with his fingers. Fleetingly, he wondered how long it had been since he'd actually used a brush in it.

"Find a seat. I'll bring the food and drinks," she commanded to him knowing that he was beyond capable of making any decisions right now.

Derek chose a small table with two chairs near a window with a view of the busy street in front of the hospital. He was hoping for distraction, but only received more time to stare outside, not actually knowing what he was looking at.

"I'm sorry. I should've called you. Everything happened so fast."

Rachel sat across from him removing their lunch from the plastic tray. Shaking her head, she replied, "It's okay. Matt called me. How is she?"

Derek shrugged with as much effort as he could handle. "Still asleep."

"How's the baby?"

"Critical."

Rachel reached out to place her hand over his on the table. "They'll be okay, Derek. Give them some time."

Derek pulled his hand out from under hers, picked up the paper cup, and sipped the black liquid inside of it. Setting the coffee back down more roughly than he intended, he said, "I need to do something. Call someone. Or something. I can't just sit in her room and watch her…."

"Derek, it's normal to feel helpless. Why don't you go and see your son?"

Picking at the bagel, and realizing that Rachel remembered things about him that he knew he didn't remember about her, he answered, "I will. Later. She needs to know. She just needs to know first. She just needs to…" Derek let the rest of his thoughts fall into the space between them. Grabbing the coffee cup, he stood up. "I should call my sister. Addie would like that. She's close to them. I'll just call her, let her know how they are, and then go back to her room."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Take your time, Derek. They'll page you if she wakes up."

Nodding, Derek mumbled, "I won't be long."

--------------

Not more than twenty minutes after Derek had left the cafeteria, he was back on the Maternity floor, heading towards her room. Nancy had gone ballistic on hearing the news, insisting that they all catch the next flight out to Boston, but he had not so gently told her to stay home. Addison didn't need an audience. He assured her that they could all come and fawn over the baby when he came home from the hospital. He wasn't sure how he had played it all out so easily, knowing himself that his little boy would be lucky to make it through the next twenty four hours.

As he rounded the corner in front of her room, his pager began vibrating. Picking up speed, he got to her room in a rush and pushed open the door. A nurse was taking Addison's vitals while Rachel and Matthew stood towards the back of the room, out of the way. When they both saw Derek enter, they very quietly made their exit.

Derek quickly scanned the machines giving out her most important medical numbers and sighed as he saw they were all in the normal range. Tilting his head, he gave her a relieved smile as she tried to keep her eyes open and focused on him. "Derek," she whispered.

"I'll let Dr. Amberly know she's awake," the nurse informed him and then left them alone.

"Hi." He moved closer to her and began gently stroking her forehead pushing her hair from it. "I was afraid I'd have to tickle you to wake you up."

Addison forced a smile. Closing her eyes again, she murmured, "What happened? And don't sugar coat it. Did I lose him? Or her?"

_Always the straight facts for her_, he thought. As she re-opened her eyes, he said, "He's fine."

"He?" Grinning, she asked, "we have a son?"

"We do. He's gorgeous. Small, but beautiful like his mother."

"Derek, he was only twenty-six weeks gestation. He's more than just small. I want to see him." She began to push herself up into a sitting position, wincing from pain, but pushing herself against it.

Derek placed his hand on her shoulder. "You can't see him yet. You need to rest."

"You're not telling me everything."

Pulling the Polaroid from his pocket, he handed it to her. "A picture of him."

Addison took the photo from him and stared at it. "Tell me what's wrong. Everything," she said flatly, holding back the tears she knew would fall like rain if she didn't squeeze them in. Her baby looked sick; _worse than sick, really_, she thought. She knew she could probably rattle off fifteen conditions he could have at this young age. She also knew she could rattle off the statistics of a twenty six week old fetus and the life expectancy of said child. But, this was her baby. Her son. All she could do was rub the tiny body in the photo and silently pray for his survival.

"I haven't had an update in awhile. They transferred him right away."

"He's not here?"

Derek shook his head waiting for the explosion he knew would be coming.

Before she had a chance to answer, Dr. Amberly entered the hospital room. Derek stood and moved to the other side of her bed. He gently picked the photo from between her fingers knowing the exam the doctor would need to perform on his recently awake wife. Addison scowled and laid back onto the bed.

"Ahh, I see someone is awake." The doctor smiled as she removed her stethoscope from around her neck.

Addison sighed knowing she just needed to accept the role of patient until she figured out a way to get out of the bed she felt she was bound into.

After an initial exam, she pulled a chair closer to Addison's bed. Derek stepped away and turned to gaze between the curtains surrounding the window of her room. He knew it was cowardly, but he couldn't watch as his wife learned the details of what had happened since she arrived here.

He listened with his back turned toward them as Dr. Amberly mechanically went through the moments after Addison had arrived in the Emergency Department. She explained everything with as much medical jargon as possible, knowing that Addison would understand every bit of it. Derek missed the moments when Addison had nodded and bit her bottom lip to keep from letting her emotions flow out in front of her physician. He missed the times when she didn't look at the doctor, instead focusing on her right index fingernail, and scraping at it with her left thumb. Anything to keep from losing it at the realization that she is now forever barren. This baby; this tiny infant that had little to no chance of survival would be her last. He missed it all because he knew if he added that to everything else that had happened in the previous day to the things that he knew would be coming in the next few days and months, he would have to literally force himself to not run away. He knew watching her mourn for the loss of future children between them and the probable loss of the child she just bore could quite possibly ruin everything they've worked so hard to rebuild. So, instead, he stared blankly out the small opening left between the curtains.

A quiet moment passed after Dr. Amberly left the room. Addison was the first to break the silence. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Continuing to gaze outside, he simply said, "I couldn't."

"You should've."

Derek heard the break in her voice and knew she wasn't going to hold it in much longer. He sighed and turned towards her. "You needed to know about the baby."

"I needed to know about the ones we won't have."

"I wasn't keeping it from you. You needed time."

Addison shut her eyes hoping it would stall the tears that were bound to come. "I don't have time, Derek. We don't….If he doesn't survive…."

Sitting on the bed beside her, he rubbed her covered legs. "He's at BCH."

Slowly opening her eyes, she said, "He's in _my_ hospital. He's in _my_ NICU."

Derek nodded. "He's in the best place, Addison. You know that." He handed her the photo, thinking that she needed something concrete to hold onto; silently thanking Matthew for it.

Sniffing, she whispered, "He needs a name. Even if he….he still needs a name."

"I didn't get a chance to look at your book."

Addison smiled slightly. "My favorite was Darren. A little bit of me and a little bit of you."

Derek grinned, "Perfect."

"Darren Christopher."

"Mom will be pleased."

Addison chuckled the best that she could, but the dam finally broke. Pulling the picture to her chest she began sobbing for what she had already lost and for what loss could come at any moment. Derek folded his arms around her, hugging and rocking her, meshing his tears with hers.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Darren had survived the first 72 hours of his life; technically, not on his own, but his tiny heart was still beating and at this point that's all Derek and Addison had hoped for. It was day 3 of Addison's confinement to her hospital bed and her husband, who knew her so intimately, was sure she was about to try an escape.

Slowly opening the heavy door to her room, Derek peeked inside to see if she was asleep, or more likely, missing. Smiling as he saw the lump under the covers where her feet were resting, he ventured in. "Hey, there," he greeted. "I've brought juju!"

"Derek, I'm _done_. I've got to get out of this hell hole and be with our son."

Sighing, Derek placed the drinks on the side table near her bed and placatingly put his hand on her arm beyond her IV tubes. "You have to hang in there. You both need time."

Yanking her arm away and crossing it with the other one, bending the IV line in the process, Addison scowled and retorted, "Hang in there, hang in there. That's all anyone ever tells me. _God_, I get it. I need some recovery time. But, I also need to see my son. Why can't I be transferred yet?"

"It's too soon."

Addison threw her head back onto the pillow and threw up her arms, again, yanking on the IV line. "Dammit. I can't do anything with _these_ in my arm. Tell the nurse I'm fine. Look." Addison paused to pinch the back of her hand. "…I'm hydrated. See, the skin just goes right back. I don't need fluid anymore. In fact, if they took them out, I could stop trying to lurch myself to the bathroom every half an hour. I'm _sick_ of it, Derek. I'm sick of the alcohol smell. I'm sick of people traipsing in and out of my room like its Grand Central Station; which I miss, by the way. I'm sick of pretending to eat from a plastic tray like I'm in an old lady's home. I'm sick of…"

"You're pretending to eat??"

"I eat a few bites to keep them off of my back. The rest I hide under the covers until I can get to the bathroom to flush it away. Which like I said, is fairly often."

Derek grinned and shook his head at her.

"Stop smiling. There's nothing to smile about. It's humiliating. Just pull rank and get me out of here."

"Doctors make the best patients," Derek said sarcastically. "I'm not the Chief. I can't just discharge you."

Addison cocked her head. "I'm not on the top floor, Derek. I can choose to leave whenever I want to."

"True, but you won't, because even if your pretty little head is ready, and it _is_ a beautiful little head, your body isn't. It needs more time. Rest while you can because when Darren comes home, you'll need your strength."

Pouting, Addison replied, "Thank you."

"For what?" Derek questioned.

"For saying _when_ he comes home and not if…"

Derek bent his head and gently kissed her forehead. "It _is_ when, Addie. You just have to hang in there a little longer." Backing away and taking his cup from the table he said, "I'm going to my office for a bit. After that, I'll check on Darren and be back here this evening, okay?"

Addison nodded resolutely. She obviously wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, so what else could she do?

Derek walked to the nurse's station and began talking to a nurse that he had acknowledged a few times while wandering the hallways. Giving his best McDreamy smile, Derek sweetly said to the young woman, "Hi. I'm Dr. Derek Shepherd, Addison's husband. She's in Room 3019."

The nurse nodded and waited for him to continue.

"She's extremely anxious today and I'm pretty sure she hasn't slept in quite awhile. Could you possibly advise Dr. Amberly, for me, to administer a mild sedative for her? I'm afraid if she keeps this up, she'll reduce her recovery time."

Raising her eyebrows, the nurse responded, "I'll see what I can do doctor, but…."

Derek interrupted her reply. "I know this is highly unusual, but I _am_ a neurosurgeon. She needs some down time so her body can work on healing itself." Again, he flashed his magical smile that seemed to work for him as an adult as much as it worked for him as a kid.

Smiling back at him, she nodded and said, "I'll consult with Dr. Amberly and give her your request."

"Thank you so much." As he turned around to walk towards the elevators, he almost ran smack into a short, stout woman standing in front of him.

"Why are you requesting sedation for your wife who, by the way, just risked her life to give you a son? Are you _really_ that stupid?

Derek stepped back, furrowing his brows. "Dr. Bailey?! What are _you_ doing here?"


End file.
